A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I would like to know what are some of the major obstacles couples face in a long distance relationship. I know that all couples need to work twice as hard to maintain a long distance relationship vs in person relationship... but what are some things they need to put extra effort in?This is my second year in a long distance relationship. During the initial year and a half, he make time for us to be together.. To cook together virtually, to eat together vitually, to watch movies on our computers together virtually, and spent a lot of time talking about anything and everything. However, recently in the past 6 momths or so, he feels being on the phone accompanying me to and from work every day is enough time spent together. He's looking to go out every night instead of cooking, eating, and watching movies with me. He acts like a single guy going out to eat, drink, and play poker.I recently started a new job that was quite stressful. I wanted him to be there for me after work to talk or share a meal or watch a movie together.. but he prefers going out to eat and drink with his friend. He starts to go to the gym once I get off work and stays at the gym til his friend gets off work at the restaurant, then he goes to the restaurant to meet up with his friend to eat, drink, and play poker til 2-3am. He never once thought to spend time with me. I've been at my job 7 days already, and he's been out all 7 days.I can't say he doesn't love me, cuz for someone who is not into arts and crafts, he went to a clay room and created/colored a heart container for me to place on my new desk at work.It just doesn't seem like he wants to spend much time with me anymore. How can we work on this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2015): I'm the OP here - thanks so much for all your responses!We have discussed me moving to live with him next year and we are looking at homes for purchase and exploring options to rent if we can't find a house yet. However, eventhough there is a plan in place to be physically together, I don't want to make the move until I am sure we are both comitted and have a common goal.His arguement is that he doesn't understand why he can be out hanging, drinking, and eating with friends even if he's in a relationship. He says I don't understand how much he values hanging and chillin with the guys. My argument is that of course he can, but occassionally, not every night or every other night. I suggested that he be home by midnight during weekdays, this way, he can hang with his friends, eat, drink, go to the gym, and still be home by midnight to spend some time with me before I go to sleep. (I'm 3 hours behind him, so his midnight is my 9pm). He says that is too early and he prefers to be home by 2am... which is my 11pm and I'd be sleeping already. Also, I know that he can stay home and give up his friends for his ex. She required him to drive her to and from work everyday and once off work, she expected him to stay with her, so during the three years they were together, he almost never saw his friends. He only went out with them once or twice a year during special ocassions. SO by me asking him to be home by midnight isn't too demanding, but he seems to think so.I feel that he's trying to train me - he goes out when he wants, with whomever he wants, I have to allow him and trust him, if not I'm giving him a hard time and I'm wrong. If I call him and he's busy he won't answer or decline my call and I can call back or text, I just have to sit there and wait for him to call me back when he wants to.I honestly feel the way he's treating me is WRONG!!!
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 November 2015):
 Thank you for the follow up - when I wrote my original response I could only see the response from Ciar.
If you see each other about ten times a year that means one would think he'd be more comitted to you.
Yet his actions, in moving towards a lifestyle where you are secondary, is not showing a greater commitment to you.
I think your concern is very reasonable, in the circumstances.
All the more reason to schedule that discussions that Xearo has suggested.
An LDR can be expensive if there is a
great distance to travel.
Yet if you're able to see him ten times a year and he's becoming emotionally detached and he's opting for opportunities to spend less time with you then it's time to question where this LDR is going.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (15 November 2015):
Long distance relationships without a centered goal of being together will just fail as more time passes. Unfortunately, one person will try harder and the other person will try less. He's not a bad person, it's just human nature. Within the first year, the couple should meet and by year two, things should be more realistic on arranging plans in either meeting more to setting plans to spend much longer time together.
Currently, he is doing what he feels like which is in disregard to you, so you might want to re-evaluate the relationship before things get worse. You don't have to pretend everything is fine and wait until things go completely wrong. At the moment you expect a certain level of attention and rightly so. But being forgiving of his behavior and expecting him to do the right thing isn't the way to go.
Discuss with him that you need his support and that you feel more pressured now in your life. Discussing your problems in a calm manner is the first and only way to go. Then, you can see what he does. If he keeps up his single lifestyle, then I don't know what more signs you need that this isn't going to work. If he changes, and supports you, then thats fine and all will be well.
It doesn't avoid the fact that you both need some concrete direction in terms of a physical relationship.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 November 2015):
Next time you cook while he's online with you mix things up and make something he's never seen you make. Taste things and make it sound good so he knows what he's missing out on. Let him know that the kitchen smells amazing. Show him that he missing out and feel no guilt about flirting with him as you cook.
Travel a different way to work and talk about the describe what you are seeing.
Change your hairstyle and maybe even the color of your hair, this may shake him up a bit but at least he'll sit up and notice.
Put some music on in the background that you love, then one day switch to some stiring classical music. Say nothing until he asks. It will confirm that there is more to learn about you than he doesn't know everthing about you, yet.
Go out to see a great film or play with some friends. That lets him know that you're socializing too. If he does not want to lose you it just might motivate him to come see you.
He enjoyed the initial novelty and did some nice things with you and for you.
But he's missing the human contact of you being there.
Is there anyway to align your two schedules so that you can meet up and see each other in person more often?
When talking to his friends they may have convinced him that he's missing out by remaining in a LDR.
His current lifestyle does sound that of an uncommitted fancy free bachelor.
lots of socialising, eating out frequently with his friends and playing poker.
Ciar is correct too in her summation. For without some plans to progress to something more permanent and physically together in the same place (more often or permanently - then a LDR can be difficult to sustain.
Often a LDR peters out due to the difficulty of keeping it lively and engaging and fun. Or missing and yearning for the person to beside you rather than far far away.
Doing the things that 'grow' a relationship are far more possible when all the elements, sight, smell, touch, hearing, taste and emotional and psychological commitment with physical contact are all possible to stimulate the senses and engage together to contribute to a satisfying relationship
Has he asked recently for a more permanent arramgement, where the two of you live in the same place at the same time, preferably together?
If he's actively sought a more permanent relationship with you, then that's a good sign.
But if he's started looking at the ladies and has not yet had the courage to tell you then that's not a good sign.
Don't accuse him of any transgression at the moment. But do explore with him where he sees the relationship progressing in the next 12 months and the next 5 years. His actions right now are already telling you a lot.
It is possible that his commitment to you is waning. Going to the gym almost seems like behaviour that allows him to avoid you.
Fingers crossed he will 'discover' you all over again and spend some time talking things over about the future the two of you can plan together.
I do hope this can be worked and that the relationship the two of you share can grow in stength and commitment.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2015): I have made a lot of mistakes and bad choices. I believe in second chances. I believe that today is a fresh start. I believe that people change. I believe everyone deserves to be loved for who they are not what someone else wants them to be. I believe that sometimes things can be fixed and sometimes they cant. Either way we have the strength within us to do what we have to do.
I'm a mother of 7...and I'm a full time EMT. That means I give emergency medical care and drive an ambulance. I am an adrenalin junkie and I love helping people. :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2015): I am the OP here. We are not 'online only'. We visit each other quite often, about 10 times per year.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (14 November 2015):
 I think it's more a case of him losing hope in an online relationship, which is what a 'long distance relationship' really is. Unless you two have definite plans for one or both to relocate, there isn't much point to this.
Besides, the contact you had didn't leave much time or energy for anyone or anything else and after a while you run out of things to talk about.
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