A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys, hope you can help me out.I'm involved in a LDR with a man who lives 5 hours away, we love each other very much but have recently been going through a bad patch. Me and him are pretty much opposites, so we don't always understand each other. I find him to be a very complex person; his unpredictable moods, the way he withdraws every time we get close, etc. It honestly drives me mad as I'm constantly worrying if it's just him or whether I've said/done something to cause upset (he's the sensitive type).Anyway, the situation is that we've had a massive misunderstanding recently and although we talked it through, he is still offish with me. He seems to have put all the blame onto me, while I feel that he should be taking some responsibility too. Basically, we just haven't been communicating at all in the past few weeks - but to be fair, our communication hasn't been great for a while now. This is what I mean when I say he withdraws, everything will be perfect and then suddenly he disappears and I don't hear from him for a short period of time. Judging by this, I don't see myself as in the wrong, it's just the way he is and I've learnt to accept that, because I know that what we have is too special to throw away. Going back to the misunderstanding. I went on holiday abroad last month - he already knew about it but I just thought it'd be nice to send him a facebook message before I went. As usual I was my friendly self and just blabbed on about how hectic things had been, asking how he was, then wrote 'take care' (with loads of kisses) at the end. Needless to say, I actually expected a reply! But when I got home, nothing. So I thought that perhaps he'll get in contact in a couple of days time, he didn't. Being a pessimistic person, I took it quite badly thinking that he doesn't give a f**k about me. I was angry but also hurt when he didn't even bother to ask how my holiday went. He was online a lot too! Every time he's done the disappearing act it's got me upset, but this time I was seriously considering that this could spell the end for us. He is the most frustrating man I have ever met, but I love him with all my heart. So after about 3 weeks, he has finally contacted me (I was waiting for him to make the first move). It was along the lines of “hey how are you? you not talking to me these days?” So I thought, hold on a second you are the one who's not talking to me! Anyway, as it turns out he did reply to my message but I just didn't receive it. He seemed quite upset and expressed how worried he was that I wasn't talking to him, then going on to say how much he loves me and asked if it was still ok for him to come over in a few weeks as we'd planned. I apologised about 3 times to him, saying how concerned I was that I didn't hear from him and also how I hate us not being in much contact anymore (hinting at him to start making more of an effort), then as well as telling him that I still love him, I promised that I'd make more of an effort too - if I don't hear from him then I won't be so stubborn and try to contact him again - which is a real challenge, as I perceive not getting a reply as 'rejection' and that's like a stab in the heart to me. During this conversation, he didn't seem to acknowledge his role in all of this. It was just him pointing the blame at me, while I was explaining myself. Maybe it has been all my fault, I don't know. I felt so guilty when he was saying how much he'd missed me. He wasn't being argumentative at all and seemed to forgive me, but still very distant. Shortly after he said he was going to bed and that we'd talk the next day. And so we did! Only he was still cold with me, to the point where I just couldn't wait for the conversation to end. He seemed really down, like he was depressed. I was just being my normal self hoping he'd come around but my efforts failed. Then he worried me to death saying about an operation he's having on his chest on Monday, I asked questions but he just didn't reply. More than anything I want things to go back to normal. I've come to realise that he's an insecure person, so maybe I should be proving my loyalty to him? but he makes it so difficult for me. If anyone can shed a bit of light on the situation that would be much appreciated. I'm really confused.
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depressed, facebook, insecure, on holiday, period Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much :) I'm sure i'll find someone in the future, who is actually a genuine person. It's been a real struggle the past few weeks since this happened but I'm coping better now and moving on with life. I think you're right about him showing up in my life again, he is definitely the type to come running back when things go wrong. I'll be strong though, and won't let him emotionally manipulate me again. Although I still love him, the trust and respect has gone... there is absolutely no going back x
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2011): I'm so sorry you were hurt by this person, but also very glad you were able to see the truth. Don't be surprised if he shows up in your life again at same point, saying how foolish he was to leave, etc. That's a common tactic used by people like this to suck someone back into their lives when they're feeling lonely. Remember to take things slow in a relationship and follow your gut. I'm sure you'll go on to meet a truly awesome man who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve! Best wishes!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey previous poster!I'll be honest... when I first read your response I just didn't want to believe he was a bad person, so ignored it. I've been defending his behaviour for as long as I can remember now, as I genuinely believed he was a decent person. I've been so wrong. He's now in a relationship with someone else, so has basically been leading me on for months and months. I feel so hurt, but at least i've found out the truth and I'm going to try my very hardest to move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): You are being manipulated and lied to by a master, possibly a narcissist. I highly doubt he sent you a message that you "just didn't receive." He's blaming you because he knows if he makes you feel guilty, you'll become even easier to manipulate and control. Your gut is telling you that "something" is wrong and you're ignoring it (no, you didn't say that in your question; I'm guessing). You may have noticed other behaviors that might make you feel suspicious or even crazy (see "gaslighting"). My bottom line advice is run away very fast and don't look back. Don't be sucked in by his lines and maneuvers, and do look up narcissism online and find out about it. When you're done looking up narcissism, look up codependency and don't go down that path. Good luck and best wishes to you.
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