A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Last night my bf and i were talking and i told him that we need to incorporate more foreplay in our love making. More blowjobs, touching, stimulation, etc. He told me he noticed how i wasnt as into sex and i told him it was because i am usually not horny or wet when we have sex. Its only penetration he kisses me a little rubs my breasts, then we have sex. Then he told me that i was hard to turn on and he wishes that i could be like other girls that dont need clitoral stimulation. I told him many women need clitoral stimulation. He insisted i was wrong and got upset that i dont just cum from penetration and let him do it. So im wondering if i should just act into it and fake it? Then just have secret orgasms in the shower from stimulation when hes not around? I just dont want him to be upset when we have sex!
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blow-job, breasts, foreplay, horny, orgasm Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (30 May 2012):
 Like I said...sex is for and about HIM. HE gets to feel good, plus he gets to look good by making you feel good. Your pleasure is more like a collateral benefit, not the goal.
I suggest you keep it simple. Do what you need to do to enjoy yourself and tell him as much. Keep it brief and be firm. You explained the situation, you made it clear what the problem was and what you wanted/needed. He can't or won't accommodate so it's left to you alone to solve. You do what YOU need for YOU. Stop worrying about he might feel about it. If he wants sex badly enough, and men keep telling us they do, he'll adapt.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2012): Hi op again. My problem is i dont get horny unless i stimulate myself he tries but it hurts, hes too rough and ive tried to tell him to be gentle. I mentioned oral sex because i want to please him like i used to, i used to do it more often and he enjoyed that. I was trying to initiate so maybe he would do more also. He rarely rubs me and when he does it is uncomfortable and i want him to stop. The actual problem though is that he gets upset when i stimulate myself he wants me to cum through penetration and wants to stimulate me himself, which is ok, if it felt good and if i could cum that way...
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (29 May 2012):
The clarification helps somewhat. At least I have a better idea of the sort your boyfriend is, but I'm a bit confused about what it is you want.
When you say you need more foreplay, what exactly do you mean? Isn't rubbing you and sucking your breasts part of foreplay? You mentioned fellatio. Do you need to perform fellatio on him in order to become more aroused yourself? Do you actually like doing this?
When you say 'it feels not so good' is it because he is too rough or too quick?
He's going to need specifics.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 May 2012):
 IF your B/F is sufficiently disinterested in YOUR satisfaction, during intimate times, that YOU come away feeling empty, THEN your "relationship" is destined to go nowhere......
Most men are notorious for not wishing to partake of foreplay... as we think that "getting off" (ourself) is THE primary goal of "lovemaking."
IF - and ONLY IF - you are lucky enough to find a guy who actually gives a darn about YOU.... and enjoys being YOUR real partner during lovemaking.... will you get to have a good love-life. Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2012): Hi i am the poster of this question. I should clarify that he is reffering to the other women hes been with. 3 were only one time, but his previous relationship of 4yrs was of course more. She was a virgin when they met and i was not. He tells me its better when i am turned on and he does try to rub me and suck on my breasts, but i dont get much out of it and it typically is uncomfortable when he rubs me. This is why i suggested more foreplay and i told him i feel i need to tend to him like i used to, more kissing touching blowjobs...he wont perform oral sex on me bcuz he doesnt like it but we can still do other things. I dont mind telling him what i like and he doesnt mind either, but he wants to do it and when he does it feels well not so good. He wants to make me cum himself... But i will try intiating more foreplay and see. We have been together 3yrs.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (28 May 2012):
Well, we know what option his previous girlfriend's took, don't we? If they'd have been honest with him, you wouldn't be living with this now. Don't just pass this off on to some other woman to deal with.
He clearly doesn't have the expertise he thinks he has. Not at performing nor at reading his partners' body language. This is the very definition of a bad lover, a guy who sucks in bed.
Normally people balance their wants with those of their partner, but since your boyfriend is focused entirely on himself and unwilling to negotiate, you'll have to take matters into your hands, so to speak.
First, see to your own orgasm. And second, have sex with him on your terms. That means do only those thing you actually like doing and only when you feel like doing them.
And always be cheerful and confident. If he thinks you're doing this out of anger it will fail. He'll just wait out your bad mood until things return to normal.
You've discussed this with him and it didn't work. No more talking. When he asks for sex and you're not up for it, say so. If he sulks (and he will), ignore it and go about your business. When he complains pretend you don't know what he's talking about. You know the way they do when they hurt or annoy us but don't want to admit it and 'can't understand what [we're] uptight about'?
If and when he eventually asks what's going on, be honest, but keep it brief. Don't give him any ultimatums. Simply inform him that if you're left to solve problems on your own you cannot guarantee they'll be solved in a way he likes.
If you've already had dinner by yourself, would you cook again just so you can watch him eat?
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (28 May 2012):
 Your boyfriend is living in lala land! Either he's never actually been with a woman before, they've all been faking, or he's watching way too much porn. Either way your boyfriend is wrong on all accounts.
First off, most women need clitoral stimulation to get turned on. What sort of teenage boy fantasy is it that groping (an act that likely turns men on way more than women) leads to sex-ready? Further to actually orgasm, ALL orgasms come from the clitoris (except for the rare women who can think their way to it). Women who orgasm from penetration are still orgasming from clitoral stimulation.
Second off, most women cannot orgasm from penetration alone. Only about 25% of women can. A vagina is not an inverted penis, it barely has any nerve endings. Poking it doesn't lead to orgasms. How would he like it if you whined that he couldn't orgasm from stimulating his scrotum and only his scrotum? Maybe the other women he's been with have just been so frustrated by his stupidity and fake it? Because he clearly has no idea how to pleasure a woman.
Essentially I think your boyfriend is just lazy and selfish. He is whining that you don't orgasm the way women in movies and porn do, through pleasuring men. Then he gets frustrated when you aren't like that (as pretty much no women are). You don't have to put up with this. Sex isn't something you do for him, it's something you do together. If you're not getting anything out of it, why keep doing it? You've told him how to fix it and he's too lazy and selfish to do so. Until he decides that sex isn't just about him, you should stop letting him treat you like a masturbation sleeve.
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (28 May 2012):
 Most women need clitoral stimulation in order to have an orgasm. Very few women actually have them from only penetration. I'm sure the women he's talking about faked it too. I think he's selfish in bed and doesn't consider your pleasure important enough. Just a kiss and a boob grab is not enough foreplay. Sex should be about mutual pleasure and not just his pleasure. Don't have sex with him till he's willing to take your needs into account. It's unfair conduct on his part and you don't have to put up with it.
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