A
female
age
51-59,
*f123
writes:Hi...when you are in a committed relationship, do you think you should tell each other if you will be to work late, leaving work early, coming home late, or if you're going out to eat with a friend/business aquaintances of the opposite sex? My man and I live together, engaged, work at the same place, and his office is near mine, so I know when he's out of the bldg. He's been a bachelor for a long time and I was married for 20 years, so I'm used to more openess in telling each oher what we're doing. I find out by accident about what he does. He doesn't come out and tell me. I don't want to question him about things he doesn't tell me. I tell him out of respect what plans I have, plus I want him to be fully part of my life and I want to fully be in his life, not just at night or weekends. I would also want him to know if I went out w/a male friend and if he was ok w/it. I don't want us being possessive, we need some freedom, but I feel out of respect we should tell each other what we're doing. What do you think?
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female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (6 August 2008):
 Well, let us know. This is a very important issue and you are right, it does need to be resolved before you marry. Good luck!
A
female
reader, tf123 +, writes (5 August 2008):
tf123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I talked to him today and he told me what happened and he said he tried to call me but no signal. I'm sure there was an office phone to use instead of the cell. Well, I'm done whining about it so I need to chill and let things roll off me. I'll see what happens in the future.
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A
female
reader, tf123 +, writes (5 August 2008):
tf123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, today it's past noon and he's not at work. Last night or this morning he never mentioned about having a meeting or whatever. I really want to get back at him and ignore him if he calls me today or come home late tonight w/o telling him, but I don't feel two wrongs make a right. This is a real issue for me it bothers me a lot. My opinion is he purposely doesn't want to tell me what he's doing- like keeping some amount of freedom. He's not cheating on me, so I shouldn't be so pissed. But we just both agreed it was respectful to tell each other if we'll be late to work, leaving early or coming home late. I got vibes last night and this morning that he wouldn't be in, but didn't say anything. I feel he should be the one to tell me. So, I think I'm just going to act like everything is fine (the best I can cause it's easy to tell when I'm pissed)But if this continues, it could ruin our relationship and until it's resolved, I'm not marrying him.
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A
female
reader, tf123 +, writes (28 July 2008):
tf123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI talked to my fiance and he agrees that it is courteous to tell each other when there's a change in our schedule and he has no problem telling me this...there was an incident in question and he said he thought he told me he had a meeting...I was feeling hurt because I felt out of the loop...but I feel better now that we discussed it. I hate confontation, so we'll see what happens. He's a wonderful man and I don't think he'd do something on purpose. Thanks for your advice!
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (26 July 2008):
Yes, absolutely you should be communicating. Like I said in my previous post ~ It is not about asking permission, it is about be courteous and considerate and, as you said, keeping each other in the loop. He is no longer single, with no one to answer to and with no one to worry about him. It has nothing to do with male/female or keeping tabs or being possesive. Just as you might say "I am taking the car into the shop today" or "I had lunch with my Mom today" he should let you know what is going on in his life because you are the most significant part of his life.
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A
female
reader, tf123 +, writes (24 July 2008):
tf123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey everyone...were you guys responding to me or someone else? ha I probably wrote too much. Basically..we are in love w/each other and want to get married, but I get angry when he doesn't tell me he's going out to breakfast with his woman friend, or when he leaves work early and doesn't tell me or when he's running late and doesn't tell me. Is it respectful to let each other know your plans for the day or am I being possessive? I like telling him my plans for the day and I feel out of the loop. Should I tell him how I feel or not worry about it...It's not that I don't trust him..I just want us to be open with each other.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2008): 380lbs? Christ, that's over 27 stones! That's a bloody big woman. Mind you, there could be a certain attraction there - like 'Slap her arse and ride the ripples' for instance!
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (24 July 2008):
Dear Askoldersister,
In most cases I would wholeheartedly agree with you that a man should not be spending that kind of time, doing those kind of activities with a woman and not be including the girlfriend/wife. Dangerous indeed!! However in this case the friend is someone he has known since he was 8 years old and she weighs about 380lbs. Not much of a threat. Thanks for your concern!
deejuliet
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (24 July 2008):
Yes, he should be communicating with you. It isnt that he needs your permission or that you are being possesive. It is about communication. The fact that he has been on his own for so long is the problem here. He is not used to being accountable to anyone and being able to do as he pleases, whenever he pleases. I have the same problem with my boyfriend sometimes.
For example: last Friday evening we had discussed that he would get off work at a decent time and come home to be with me and the kids. I was cooking dinner and we were going to watch movies and build a fire outside. I spoke to him around 4:30 and he was on his way to pick up his car from the shop. A female friend was giving him a lift. No problem. But 1 1/2 hours later when I called him to see when he would be home as we were getting hungry he told me that he and his friend had decided to stop for margaritas and spontanously decided to have dinner together as well. So we should go ahead and eat without him. I was FURIOUS! I would not have cared if he had called me as soon as she invited him to say that he was going for dinner and drinks. But he didnt bother to call and we were waiting for him.
Nother example: Last night my boyfriend told me he plans on taking the morning off tomorrow to go to a winery with the same female friend to buy a case or 2 of wine. They do this every year together and she is on vacation this week and wants to spend some time with him. I have no problem whatsoever with this, told him I would wake him up early so he can go and told him what kind of wine I want him to buy.
So you can see, it is not a problem with who he spends his time with or what he does. He did not need to ask my permission for either event nor did I give it. It is about communication. In the first instance I was hurt and angry. In the second instance I am happy to encourage the activity. Letting the other know what you are doing is courteous, considerate and a way of including your loved one even if they are not actually included.
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A
female
reader, tf123 +, writes (24 July 2008):
tf123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thanks for your response. when he leaves work early, he usually doesn't come straight home.He has a meeting or does errands or whatever and then he'll come home after it. Last night he left work early and never told me and when I got home he didn't say anything until his sister in law asked him why he was home early and he said he went to a meeting. I didn't question him. There's no reason for me to distrust him either. He doesn't tell me when he has bkfst plans, or if he's running late from work. It's been going on for a while,and I have gone out and not told him what I was doing, and he doesn't question me, but two wrongs don't make a right. This may be normal for him and he's unaware it upsets me, so either I keep quiet for now or tell him because it really bothers me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2008): I would say it's only good manners to let you know if he'll be home late or eating out with associates (of whatever gender) or bringing them home for a meal.
Coming home early isn't such a big deal - unless you're doing something you shouldn't!
I would rather know where my partner is so that I'm not fretting about whether she's in casualty or not, and it's only right that you should each have an idea of when the other is going to arrive home. If either of us go out without the other we always say where we're going and roughly what time we'll be back.
I'd suggest you disappear occasionally without saying where you're going. He'll soon start to wonder what's going on. Maybe he just doesn't realise the anguish it causes you, so you have to demonstrate to him in a practical manner what it feels like to be on the other side of the fence, so to speak.
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