A
female
age
36-40,
*icoleray143
writes:I am not Miss Independent, My man pays for everything, i don't have a job, I recieve a disable check which pays the rent and that's it, I don't even have my own car cos i don't know how to drive, He takes me everywhere, Appts, exc. Problem is it's starting to kill my self esteem, making me feel low and not needed at all, cos i feel like without him i would be nothing, I need some uplifting advice readers. Please help. How can I ask him to do less for me and how can I improve my own self esteem?
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female
reader, stashrocks  +, writes (20 July 2011):
i was in the exact same position as you are in know, me and my partner had been together for 2 years i didnt have a job and i didnt drive either he paid for eveything cause i didnt have much money, i became really dependent on him, when we broke up things were soooooo hard for me cause i had become so dependent on him i felt as though my life as i knew it was over, but i eventually pulled my self together got a job and the left over money i had paid for my driving lessons, and i saved every penny i had for a car. So my advice to you try and get a job even if its a crappy one to begin with, and mabey ask him if he can teach you to drive, and if you can try catching a bus/train to appointments or a taxi rather than relying on him to take you, in time you will become become mire independent and wont rely on him as much good luck i hope things work out for you
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): Hi. Your partner sounds like a nice guy. Maybe try organizing things yourself, so when the time comes for an appointment, you can tell him you already have the transport covered. Find out about learning to drive if you are able to.
Join a class in something like confidence building and arrange your own transport. It will give you some 'ME' time, you will be out mixing with folk, gaining skills and possibly making a few new friends along the way. Once you have gained a little confidence, you could try looking for a job.
You mentioned that you receive a disability check but you didn't mention what your disability is. Are you able to work at all? If so, it would make you feel a lot better about things if you were contributing financially and needed in a workplace. If you can't work, maybe you could look into voluntary work of some sort. It would mean you were doing something to help others and that can be extrememly rewarding.
There are lots of things you could do. I think it is a case of wanting to do them though. If you want to be more independent, you have to make the effort and not rely on your boyfriend so much.
Look at it from his point of view. You don't drive, so he has to take you to appointments. You don't work, so i imagine he has to work to keep you both. He might not be trying to rob you of your independence. He might just be trying to cope with a partner who won't do anything for herself.
It really is down to you whether you continue to accept his help or start doing things for yourself. All then best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): Just ask him to do less. You were managing on your own before he became your boyfriend, so you do not "need" him, he's not your caretaker. If your disability requires you to have a caretaker, that person should be a dedicated caretaker and not someone who is also your boyfriend anyway.
Ask him to stop doing these things. If he refuses, stand firm, or do them on your own before he gets a chance to do things for you.
Find activities or work that you can do on your own. Obviously you can work on a computer (you didn't say what your disability is) or you wouldn't be posting here. So maybe you can find a computer-based job.
Look up the Americans with Disabilities Act, and the Department of Labor's Office of Disability Employment Policy which relates to employment issue for people with disabilities. You can also find online resources for guidance and help with finding employment when you have a disability. good luck!
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