A
female
age
41-50,
*raveekid
writes:Iam a 33 year old woman and I have been divorced for about 3 years. About 7 months ago, I met a man online from USA through a dating website. He immediately asked for my number and we got chatting and talking regularly. I am a professional and he too is one. We have video chatted a number of times and liked each other immensely. I had checked up his credentials through friends of mine in USA and he did exist, though they were not able to gather more information. Our plans of meeting up initially didn't work out owing to both our busy work schedules and in the mean time he got promoted and was in the process of moving to his new place of work. We were very much into each other and probably that is why I didn't notice any red flags.His behaviour started to change when he moved to his new place of work, about a couple of months ago. I wanted to fix up a date for meeting (I live in another country) and we were both in a position to travel either way. He mentioned a particular week, which I managed to get off from work. It was decided that it was easier for me to travel that side as he had just started his new job. Then as the days came closer for me to book my tickets, his contact sort of diminished and he started making vague excuses, not responding to my calls and just assuring me via texts. It started dawning on me that something was wrong. One day he just disappeared and never gave me an explanation as to to why.This has affected me quite a lot, its almost a month now since I have heard from him. I am back to work, but it has broken my spirit and my enthusiasm considerably.I did some enquiries on him and found out that he does exist, but his degrees and qualifications on different dating websites are very different. He had also undergone a particularly traumatic incident in his childhood with the loss of a sibling and the separation of his parents (which he had discussed with me after a couple of months of talking). He had also a short-lived marriage and he is divorced. He is in a responsible job and it is difficult to comprehend why he has run away. He also has family and he seems a well liked guy amongst friends and family.I struggle to understand why this happened. Why he couldn't have given me a simple explanation and then disappeared. The worst thing for me is that he disappeared with no explanation and we had been really close and were planning things for the future. Could you help me understand and would I ever get an answer from him?
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female
reader, R1  +, writes (7 April 2013):
 The key to online dating is not to get attached to ANYONE until you have MET then in person!!! There are nice people out there but you do not know someone till you meet them. Sorry to hear you're having a hard time but there will be the right person out there for you.
A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (7 April 2013):
 I am really sorry that this has happened to you.
The issue for him was that you were safe as you lived in a different country so posed no real threat to him but as the day grew nearer to you meeting it became too close for comfort and it would have meant actually spending time with and meeting someone he was having an internet relationship with which to him was fantasy and fun and something that did not impede on his real day to day life. He is not open and honest with you and did not want a real relationship. It was fun for him as you were not going to knock on his door so he could have fun and flirt all he liked with no repercussions. He cheerfully carried on until it got to the point where you were going to meet and then instead of having the guts to say that it had all gone too far and that it was just a bit of fun for him he could not cope with dealing with the situation so basically just did a runner. Men in general don't like confrontation so it was much easier for him to just cut you off. I would imagine he has a girlfriend at home, possibly kids and the life he spun to you was mostly fictitious with a few home truths so he didn't forget his lies.
This is the thing with internet dating , when one party doesn't want to deal with another person anymore they just no longer respond in anyway. This is what has happened to you. The guy spun you a line, he had no intention of it ever getting to the meeting stage, he used his promotion as an excuse and basically fobbed you off until he could think of no other excuses so just disappeared. Ok he didn't want to hurt you by being truthful but in the end by just disappearing and giving you no closure he has hurt you all the more.
I don't think you will ever get an explanation from him and enough time has gone by for you to mourn the relationship so put him out of your head and try your best to move on. People who lead others on and promise them hope of a future are very cruel so think yourself lucky in a way that it didn't go furthr as he is clearly untrustworthy and would not make good partner material.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (7 April 2013):
 My quick explanation: On a dating/texting/talking site, a guy (or a girl) can be whomever they want. They can offer, or fabricate, any background (with details) that they wish..... and, can tailor it to whoever is hearing/reading/seeing it...... THEREFOR,
.... until and unless you actually MEET such a person, "in the flesh"... all considerations.... all emotions... all promises and obligations... should/must be taken "with a grain of salt."
We see, herein and repeatedly, submitters who make the same or similar stories to your's....
Whilest the Internet can be a great means by which to locate, meet and communicate with others, it does pose the risk that it is VERY EASY to "pose" (as someone or something that one really isn't) due to the unavailability of corroborating means....
Good luck in the future.... You can chalk this guy up as a "poser"....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2013): You are the victim of an online Romeo. He enjoyed the flattery of your attention, and knowing you were into him. You were a little hobby that kept him entertained. He had no real intention of ever meeting with you. People never seem to learn that meeting foreigners online is less likely to result in an actual meeting in person. People living in the same country rarely connect in person.When they do, they seem less interesting in person.They either have something to hide; or it was nothing more than a fraudulent connection. Marital status is harder to verify. There is no true love between you. You stared into screens at each other.Until you meet, it's only an infatuation with a fantasy figure. Living in a virtual romance novel. He creates the dream-guy image; while some lonely, vulnerable, or naive female falls for it.Traveling from one country to another will most likely end up as no more than a frustrating, expensive, long-distance hookup. Ending in disappointment or some tragedy.In time, they usually fizzle out from loss of interest and/or funds, or a sudden snap back to reality. It's hard enough maintaining a relationship living together or in the same town; let alone an ocean or continent away.These guys go online and talk to dozens of women and stroke their egos, if not something else. Basking in all the attention and breaking hearts all over the world. You become a joke; or just a project to keep him busy when he's bored.Don't be hurt. You should work on having a social life; so you can interact directly with eligible men. You don't have to worry about distance, or who is actually on the other end. You get to interact person to person, and enjoy real live companionship. By enjoying touching, gazing into each others eyes,holding hands, and feeling warm flesh. Instead of yearning for it, based on nothing but a promise.Don't waste all your time with these online jerks. You have a one in a million chance to actually meet them. You'll end up spending a bundle to meet nothing more than a phony creep, who just toyed with your affections merely for the fun of it.Chalk this all up to a lesson learned. Get out there and live.
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A
female
reader, braveekid +, writes (7 April 2013):
braveekid is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you a lot for your comments Janniepeg, its much appreciated. I am trying to move on with my life and forget the episode, the latter is actually the difficult part. It was a complete waste of my time for 7 months and maybe I should have realised earlier. Thanks to this wonderful website, I feel like Iam not alone
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A
female
reader, braveekid +, writes (7 April 2013):
braveekid is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a lot for your answer Janniepeg, its much appreciated. I am trying to come to terms with this and trying to move on in my life. my job helps a lot and I think this website is wonderful with precious insights from people like yourself. I still haven't heard from him and don't expect to hear from him as well. Thank you once again.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 April 2013):
 He didn't disappear and nothing happened to him. He is going on with life as ususal. All you had was a chatting relationship and when it wants to become real he bailed. No one will straight out to tell you, "hey I just want to talk online indefinitely, dream, and not want to deal with the hassles of a real relationship with arguments, responsibilities and wasted money. I just want a woman to fill my lonely nights, a woman who wants me for my online version, which is better than nothing. "
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2013): how can you plan your future with someone youve never met? Sadly online dating leaves us vulnerable to scams such as people who claim they are in love with you and need you to pay for them to visit your country then keep the money and never contact you again.Other times people just lie. They claim to be 25, single no kids and in love with you and want to marry you. in Reality they are 37, got 4 kids and a wife already. Checking someones credentials is tough to do: facebook and twitter accounts are easily created in false names, even friends on face book can be created as part of a scam or deceit.
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