A
female
age
36-40,
*ngie22
writes:I have been involved with someone for almost a year now. We dated for a few months, that stopped because of work. We also worked together and he was promoted and became my superior. We stopped the relationship because of this. A few months after, we ended up at a mutual event, and we just couldn't stay away from each other. We decided that we would give a relationship a real shot, only that lasted for a little bit. We shared everything together, we never fought about the two of us, it was always external factors that played a role in our relationship. He said that he just didn't see himself marrying me, and we just didn't click and I didn't give him butterflies. This hurt like hell. I tried to accept it. I tried to tell him that there is no more contact between us, and that he can't be part of my life. He said that I made him happy, I would make life so easy, and seeing me with another man would kill him. Every person who did not know that we were dating, when they saw us together, they would know that there was something between us because of the way we both looked at each other. We shared interests, spent a lot of time together and truly enjoyed each other's company, at every level. He showed affection, which made me believe that maybe he could fall in love, but in the end he still said, I just don't feel it, or maybe he isn't capable of feeling it? I haven't had contact with him for a few weeks, but I miss him terribly. I can't concentrate on anything at all anymore. I feel like I am losing my mind. I have never felt this deeply about someone. I care so much about him, and I really thought we had a future. I can't seem to put this behind me. I am just miserable! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, njmbslk +, writes (18 March 2010):
You need to show some backbone. Think about what he said "he just didn't see himself marrying [you]" and "He said that I made him happy, I would make life so easy, and seeing me with another man would kill him"He wants to keep his options open. He doesn't want the long term relationship - he said that - but he knows he has his hooks in you and can keep you around. Keep you around until SOMETHING BETTER COMES ALONG.It is never easy dealing with rejection when you had real feelings for someone. But, time will heal your wounds. A friend gave the clearest dating advice I'd heard and when I was single, I never forgot it. "When you're really interested in someone you know how you would act. You would do things and say things to make your attraction known. You would show your interest. So when you're involved with someone, aren't their actions telling you how they'd feel if they don't act the way you would?"if he wanted to be with you, he could. He wants to be - but only because you're there. He will hurt you in a minute because he's already told you that he doesn't feel that way about you. If it is painful now, consider how painful it will be months down the road.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2010): Angie, there is a difference between falling in love and actual love. He doesn't get it or maybe he does. He doesn't think you are the right person for him which makes him the wrong person for you.
He doesn't owe you a relationship, or a commitment and you don't owe him a friendship, in fact it would be better for you to be free of him for good.
I know it hurts, but you are going to learn that you can fall in love with the completely wrong guy. It helps to really try and not over commit yourself to being someone's exclusive girlfriend, always own your own heart, keep it open to more than one man at a time if you can....not saying sleep around, be sexually loyal, but don't over commit to a boyfriend. The man of your dreams will step up and claim you as the one he wants to be with forever, he will ask you to marry him, give you a ring and want to set a date. UNTIL that day you are NOT in a commited relationship...stay on your own path to commitment and happily ever after and NEVER follow a confused non committal man in his confusion, if he gets off that path you are on together, then you distance yourself, stop sleeping with him and focus instead on you, you are the keeper of your own happiness.
Get the book I suggested. It explains how love is a decision, not a feeling. So this man made a decision that did not include you. He may be making the worst mistake of his life, but you won't get anywhere by getting angry, asking him why or any of that....you have to accept it and then focus on you, forget his icy coldness, he's a man, he has pride, he can't cry, what else is he gonna do?
Don't let him see your tears any longer, don't give him the power to hurt you. I know it hurts, of course it does.
Trust me, he's hurting too, he just wants to convince himself that he made the right decision.
You are going to meet someone much better down the road. You will get closer to that person who is right for you.
http://somuchmorethanamom.com/2009/03/29/the-definition-of-love/
Here is a woman's one page blog that talks about the concept of love based on that book. It's over simplified, but may hit a note with you non the less.
I hope you can minimize your contact with this guy, do it for yourself.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, Angie22 +, writes (16 March 2010):
Angie22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice Rhythm. I am trying, but it's a struggle. There's good days and bad days, and today was one of those bad ones! I had contact with him because of work, and he was so cold, treated me like I was a stranger! I was professional, and just got straight to the point and he was just icy cold! This hurt and it made me upset, but nothing I can do about this either.
Few weeks ago, I met up with him because there were certain things that I needed to say as my closure, which in turn helped me. He sat next to me and listened to everything, and didn't say much other than, he though he tried, but we didn't click, we were not compatible. I couldn't comprehend this, because, I didn't understand the definition of "clicking, and compatible" at least my definition was different from his. It's like he was blind to everything or he refused to admit that he had something real with someone. It's mind boggling! After our conversation, I got up to leave, and I thought he was going to walk out with me, but he said, no you go first, and just leave me behind. Just go! So weird, and so dramatic, so he stood there and just watched me walk away in tears! That hurt also, but I was glad he gave me a chance to say anything I felt. Most guys won't even give you a chance like that because they just don't want to hear it once they think they are done! If I hadn't had that, I don't think I would be where I am. I think keeping busy, surrounding myself with friends and family has been great, but there's times that I just want to be alone. I think of him, a lot. He never validated our relationship or what we had, or his feelings for me. I know that love can be blinding, but I am not stupid, I could see that he cared, or I would have never stuck around for as long as I did. He will not admit it, maybe because he doesn't know that love feels like that. Or maybe, I am just trying to really justify it at any cost, that how could I be with someone, and how could someone be with me, but not love me??
Still patiently waiting for that book....
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2010): Well, Angie, I am sorry you are feeling so lousy. I understand how you feel, and the only thing that really helps is to take your focus completely off of him and focus on you. I know it is hard, but give it a shot.
If you can cut all contact with him then I would do that as well, no trying to be his friend, that will only prolong you getting on with things and he gets the best of both worlds, having you but not giving you a reationship that you want and deserve.
I think he just doesn't understand love or what love is. I think he is the kind of guy who is great in the beginning of relationships but can't sustain them because he doesn't realize what true love is....he is mistaking lust and infatuation for the real thing. A lot of people do by the way....they seem to be kind of on the immature and selfish side.
He sounds like he may just have some more growing to do on his own, but if he is older than you are, I kind of doubt he is going to change his ways anytime soon.
Look at it this way, you enjoyed your time with him, you learned something about yourself and relationships and now you can look forward to the next great guy you will meet, because you KNOW you will, he's out there. You are so young, you have plenty of other men to choose from...so feel better soon and get out there and have some fun, take care of yourself first and you will think back on this and be grateful you didn't end up with mr emotionally unavailable.
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female
reader, Angie22 +, writes (15 March 2010):
Angie22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think you are right on the first person that he is incapable to love, because most things that he did or most actions showed that he did love, or at least it would be signs that in a normal relation, you would consider love. He never interfered with my friendships or taking all my time. In the beginning it was more spending time whenever it was convenient for him, and later it changed.
He showed concern, he made sure that I was okay when he knew that I was upset or something made me upset. I guess I am not making excuses for him, but I know that he cared for me, however I can't force him to accept those feelings, or to be able to recognize those feelings.
He is a bit older than I am, and I didn't think maturity would be a problem, however age doesn't really matter I guess. It has been a learning experience, and it still easy.
The thing that I can't get passed is me asking the reason, and him not being able to have a reason. When I asked what do you look for in someone, what he described is qualities that I have. He keeps saying that he can't point a reason, however he just doesn't feel it.
I think that if our relationship was just purely physical, I don't believe we would spend the time that we did together, because we both enjoyed each other's company. I think I made a lot of mistakes too. I thought that over time, he might learn to love me. He would see that I shared the same hobbies that he did, and I was able to have a conversation with him on an intellectual level, I tried to show him that I was kind and a good person - all things that I thought would matter to him. I think maybe I tried too hard. Either love is there or it's not. It's not easy accepting rejection, but it's also another human emotion that is meant to be felt.
I know that I loved him, and I wasn't loved back, or at least if he did, the emotion wasn't admitted. It hurts and I think a lot about it!
I am going to read the book that you suggested, and also looking at other similar books, at least for my own understanding.
I can't stop thinking what he is doing, is he thinking about me, do I even cross his mind. Everything that I do, and everywhere I go there's a memory of him there. I have lost interest in many things and it's difficult to get moving in the morning. I know all of this is normal, and a lot of people go through it, but it isn't easy. I still love him, and it still hurts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2010): Read the Road Less Traveled....it will answer a lot of your questions.
Why would it hurt him to see you with another guy if he didin't love you? Because he is most likely very narcissistic and his hurt is really a narcissistic injury to his ego...has nothing to do with his capacity for real love. Most likely he IS incapable of feeling very deep feelings. This could be due to lack of maturity, spiritual development or he could be te worst thing of all he may have a personality disorder or two that makes him incapable of real love.... And a lot of regular guys once they sleep with you they will always see you as a sex object, or part of theri little harem,,,,it's a man thing, and ego thing...if he knows he is out of line there, that is at least somewhat of a good sign.
Remember that having a strong connection is sort of a danger for women. What that means is that YOU are feeling INTENSE emotions around him and that actually sets you up to start projecting who you think he is or want him to be not who he actually is. In other words, a strong connection masks reality.
If he is personality disordered, that strong connection could even be due to him pouring himself into a container that fits you, fits the man he figures out you want him to be...he doesn't know who he is so he just morphs into the perfect man for you. Guys like this usually Rush the relationship, they want commitment or exclusivity right away, they take up all of your free time, keep you from seeing your friends and family even. They rush sex because they know it bonds you to them even deeper.
So how do you protect yourself from any of these situations? First you become aware that a strong connection could be a danger sign more than it could be a meeting of two souls. You need to listen to any red flags that you see in his behavior or words and not discount them or talk yourself out of them. Don't make excuses for him because you like him. Set boundaries early on how he is to treat you and don't give in on those.
Read Red Flag Relationship Warnings....I have an article on DC under my Avitar, start there and try the other links. I am going to post more soon.
Anyway, it is his loss and your gain that you are no longer with this guy who is unworthy of you.
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A
female
reader, Angie22 +, writes (14 March 2010):
Angie22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for taking the time and writing kind words! They really do mean a lot, especially at a time like this!
CaringGuy- Thanks! I know, it just takes time, and sometimes it feels like time doesn't go anywhere.
Rhythmandblues2 - Thanks for the suggestion the the book. I have been looking at a couple of books to read to really understand things. I will definitely read the book.
LonelyTwo - you bring up really good questions. I have discussed this with him many times. After we broke up the first time, I moved on because I thought he wasn't interested. When I showed interest in someone else, that's when he came back, and to my own stupidity, I let him in. I wanted things to work out so badly, that I wanted to give it another try.
When he said that he just doesn't love me, I don't give him butterflies, I asked what was the specific reason, what was it that he couldn't see me in his future? He didn't have a specific answer. I mentioned everything, and he denied everything that I mentioned. He said there wasn't a specific reason, he just doesn't feel it. I have always believed that there's always a reason why you don't see yourself with someone - attraction, values, culture etc. A lot of things that he said contracted themselves. After he told me that he didn't love me, I said that there was no reason for me to be with him, and that is when he said that he would miss me, and it would hurt him to see me with another guy. I didn't understand that! Why would it hurt him, if he didn't love me?
The relationship didn't die, but it had to end because I was not using my head but my heart. He told me he doesn't love me, but he does have some feelings, I touched him a certain way...but it wasn't enough for him. I felt differently! We have always had a strong connection since the moment we met. We know each other very well, and understand each other very well.
There are a lot of things that don't make sense to me. I am not sure butterflies are associated with love. Butterflies are temporary, and there's always something deeper that touches you about someone. He even had doubts that maybe he just isn't capable to love.
I was sure about my love for him, but he wasn't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2010): Hey, I am sorry you are feeling so rough. It hurts I know.What you are really feeling though is not just deep love for this guy, but Loss. You are experiencing the pain of not being in love, of not having a loving relationship, the loss of your dreams...he is not the right person for you.The other thing a lot of people do not get is Love is not a feeling. It isn't butterflies in your stomach. That is attraction, which does not equate to love. This guy is immature, underdeveloped and INCAPABLE of love, at least at this stage of his maturity.I suggest you go to the library or purchase a very good book about Love and what it is and isn't. I think it will help you tremendously to feel better about this particular relationship and about life in general, because you will be leap years ahead of the pack in finding the real thing."The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck. He is a famous psychologist (deceased) and he does base his practice on Christianity, but it applies even if you aren't a Christian. It is a very educational book and puts things in the correct perception, and perception is everything.There is no reality, only perception.This man's rejection of you in no way indicates that you aren't a wonderful woman, a lovable person or worthy of love. This man is not worthy of your love, that is what you have to keep in mind.Get the book, and then let me know how you are in a few months.In the mean time, keep up the no contact, him saying all that other BS about you dating others is complete narcissistic nonsense. Don't buy into it, he wants to use you for his own ego needs. Let this one back in the pond and cast your net outside of your workplace.In fact, if you can find another job out of his radar.Good Luck.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (13 March 2010):
When it broke down first time around, that was the sign. He tried to make it work, and decided he wasn't the guy for you. Clearly you're going to miss him if you've only been broken up for a few weeks. But now it's time for you to spend time on your own life, and really focus on yourself. There will be a guy out there somewhere just for you. Take your time, take a lot of care over yourself, meet people and have fun with friends. It will take time, but you will find the right guy for you.
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