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female
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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I just got back together after a year of being broken up. The difference this time is that i moved to my mom's house on april so we live an hour and a half away now. We used to live together at his parents when we were toegther by the way. Anways, he cheated on his girlfriend in high school when he was 17, he's now 22 and hopefully knows how wrong that is now, but I still think sometimes what makes me think he won't do that to me now if he did it to her?? I asked him that and he got very angry and said that i wont know if he's cheating and he wont know if im cheating and that i just have to trust him. I felt worse when he got so angry when i asked him how i will know he wont cheat on me too so I kept asking him looking for an answer like "I care too much about you to do that", or "I grew up and i'm not like that anymore" but he didnt say any of those things to make me feel more secure, instead he threatened to break up and i ended up begging him to give me another chance to prove to him that i wont have doubts about him anymore. Whats your opinion on his behaviour?? Male advice will be great also. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): I think you are misintereting his comment and taking it out of context. What I read it to mean is that he is saying you both have to deal with the risk that the other may cheat, he is saying how would you know unless you hire a detective or something. If you have no reason to suspect he is then you just have to trust him and he you...that is what I took it to mean, not that he thought he could get away with it when you weren't looking.
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female
reader, person12345  +, writes (9 December 2009):
 I agree, that's a pretty bad answer. If he has nothing to hide, he should have no problems reassuring you. The thing that worries me is that he said you won't know if he's cheating. That almost sounds like he's trying to convince himself! For now, don't worry about it since he is a guy, and he might have felt insulted, but I'd be careful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009): I think a 17 year old boy is too young to be in a committed relationship and his cheating if that is what you want to call it is part of growing up and experimenting with sex....I don't think it means that he will be a cheater in the future.
I think he got angry because you are basically criticizing his very character by saying you don't think enough of him not to cheat on you, you are worried about something that he has never done to you and he feels persecuted, guilty before proven innocent. I think it was a mistake he told you about what he did when he was 17, I don't think it was your business, but he trusted you enough with the information and you threw it back in his face. I would say you hurt his feelings.
Men get angry when they are hurt, they aren't women, they don't always speak the way we expect them to. Yes I think he could have done better and responded to you in a more mature way, but at that moment he was hurt and angry and probably said something he didn't mean to hurt you back.
I think you have done enough apologizing and now if you two continue to go forward and you still have some nagging doubts then sit down and think a bit on what specific behaviors you need from him to help earn your trust.
I think your trust has been broken because you two broke up, but if you are going to give this another chance you don't get any guarantees, you have to decide if your love is strong enough to take another risk and you have to wipe the slate clean and start building a new relationship, not rehash the old one.
Good Luck
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