A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing this guy for about one and a half years now. We've become the best of friends and are really close. A month ago he brought a girl home and allowed her to sleep in his bed. He told me they didn't do anything but just got touchy and feely. Oh he says they were drunk which is no excuse. He also told me he lied there with her for about twenty minutes and realizes what he was doing. He ignored me for two days til I forced it out of him. He finally confesses and I was heartbroken. Our trust is completely destroyed. I constantly think about it and cannot get over it. We had many fights and tears over this. I made him promise not to continue the friendship with her and he agreed. However he gave her his new number and he says he doesn't know why he did it. I'm constantly battling this. I'm always thinking he's lying and doing something negative with her. I gave him an ultimatum last night that if he speaks to her again, I'm not longer going to continue our relationship. I love him but don't wanna lose my bestfriend.
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female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (11 January 2010):
 So is he a friend with benefits or is he a partner? If he is your friend, then he does not technically have to answer to you for having a life beyond you.If he is a partner, then kick his arse.
A
female
reader, smile :)  +, writes (11 January 2010):
 I am currently going through something similar. My boyfriend drunkly fooled around with a girl in his bed, while they were both drunk, then again a few weeks later, but only she was drunk this time. I had no idea for about 2 months, and then she admitted it to me. He still tried to deny it, but eventually admitted to it. This was in November. We are currently back together, but not a day goes by that I don't struggle with what he's done, I've started to become crazy with jealousy. He told me he would stop talking to certain girls, but when he talks to any other girl I seem to feel like exploding inside. And yet I still love him, and feel happy a lot of the time. I feel terribly sorry that you're in the position you're in. He shouldn't have given that girl his new number, that doesn't really show any sign of him changing, and thats what he needs to do if he wants to keep you in his life. If he loves you then he should be doing whatever he can to get back in your good books.x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): my friend, you already lost him.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (11 January 2010):
 There are two routes you can go down here. One is the I don't care , don't let it get to me approach and the other is the route you have gone down which is the 'don't you ever speak to her again/blackmail' route.
Ok what he has done is not nice and it has hurt you. He has made a big mistake. The fact that he gave his new number to this girl is also unacceptable. However although he has hurt you and you are upset it does not work if you play the role of being the possessive, needy girlfriend. I have said many time over the years phrases such as the following:- its either her or me, you must never speak to her again, you have got to choose, if you see her again its over etc etc. None of these phrases work nor do they put you in a light that a male would find attractive. When you say these things it turns the man right off and almost pushes them away from you into the arms of another. Men do not like to be controlled or told what to do. This applies to all men. You need to get round this by using a different tactic. He has shared a bed with this girl, that is now done with. You have remonstrated and cried so now let it go. You have made it clear how you feel. Your boyfriend is still with you and clearly wanted to be with you so make the most of that. You have to put this incident behind you and start from the zero rating on the trustometer. Now what you musn't do is check up on him all the time, constantly asking where he is or any of these kind of questions, give him free reign. If you stop asking eventually a man will tell you where he is and what he is doing without thinking about it but if you constantly say what are you doing, where are you, you are going to get nowhere. Take it that you have a clean slate and let him slowly by his actions rebuild your trust. If he is sorry then that is great but don't go on about it because eventually everyone gets sick of saying just how sorry they are and will just play lip service but not really maen it. Watch his actions, enjoy dinners out together, be inventive sexually. If he loves you he will try to make it up to you but above all don't keep harking back to the event. Trust can be rebuilt quite quickly if both parties are willing and want it. Good luck to you.
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