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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Wheneva my boyfriend and i argue, it never gets resolved. We Just carry on like normal. I always try to discuss why we argued etc, tell him he hurt me, but he wont talk about anything. refuses. tells me 'whatever' and gets really annoyed, and then we are basically not talking again cos i cant understand why he cant just talk. He says im not talking to him, but AT him, because he doesnt wanna talk. Is he just one of those blokes that cant talk. its really annoying because we are really good together, really lovable, say we love eachother loads, always cuddling, he always compliments me. It just really annoys me that he wont open up. If i bring something up its always in a soft tone, gentle questions etc, and he starts clamming up. if hes on the computer, he leaves the room. then hel come back, like maybe i will drop it. but i dont, so he reads a book, tells me to shush, hes reading a book. How can i get him to realise, discussing issues, doesnt need to be a bad thing, it doesnt have to turn into another arguement, its simply talking...any advice? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, hannieseds  +, writes (19 December 2006):
 Hey girl,
If he loves you he will WANT to work things out with you. It could just be that he doesn't have the tools to know how to deal with situations like this.
Perhaps a little cliched but the "Men are from mars, women are from venus" book changed our relationship for the better. I read the whole thing and marked out chapters for him to read that I thought he needed help with - invalidating my feelings, not wanting to work things out etc. I was so nervous about suggesting he read over the pages I had marked, but he was fine about it and, yes you have to actively work on communication everyday, but it gives you the tools to deal with each other better in sticky situations where your opinions differ.
Honestly babe, get the book out of the library and see if it helps.
At the end of the day relationships require nurturing and guidence - nothing is set in stone and we always have something we can learn. Your boyfriend needs to learn how to speak to a woman in the right way, because as you know, it is completely different from talking to another guy. He just doesn't have the tools yet. So please read that book! I still reference it quite often or when we argue and he invalidates my feelings and just wants to explain why I shouldn't be upset, then I grab the book and say 'No! Don't you remember what the book said?"....so see how it works for you.
xxx
A
female
reader, Ivanna22 +, writes (19 December 2006):
 oh my gosh!! My ex boyfriend is THE SAME EXACT WAY. Whenever I tried to talk to him about an issue he turns that into another fight. He starts yielling at me and calling me names. I'm sure your boyfriend treats you better than mine thought. I broke up with him because he can't act like an adult. If it's really that bad I think you should leave him. I hate to say this but i'm not sure if he's ever gonna change. And I don't think you would want to be with somebody who you can't be open with. The key for a succesful relationship is comunication. You guys are not gonna work out if you can't talk to him about your issues.
Good luck.
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