A
female
age
30-35,
*oCorixo
writes:My boyfriend and I have had this talk previously; basically it comes down to his obsession with music. He has an obsessive hobby with making beats and music and it used to be much worse. He actually dropped out of school because he was so mentally caught up in it. Now, he is much better and doesn’t let it affect his life as negatively. However, last night I offered to have him sleep at my place with me. He always comes up with bullshit excuses and answers and naturally it makes me feel bad that he never wants to spend a night with me. He ultimately says it’s a mixture of having other things to do before work the next day and wanting to do music. I guess it just upsets me that I feel like he chooses music over me every night. I could definitely see once in a while or most nights wanting to have to himself to do his hobby. But why doesn’t he want to spend one night with me? I seriously doubt that he is cheating or it’s anything else, I’m pretty convinced it’s music because I’ve seen how immersed he gets with it. Am I right for feeling upset over this or is he right for wanting to do it every night? He does spend time with me at nights and even until kinda late (maybe 12 or 1 the latest) before going home. Maybe I’m just being clingy or having this stupid feeling but I’m not sure why it bothers me so much to be honest. Ultimately I feel like he is consistently choosing his hobby over me. I’m not sure what I can do because it’s not like I can magically make him want me more (it does make me feel quite unwanted sometimes). We’ve also been together over 2 years, but should I be with someone who wants me more? It sucks because I only want him. I’m not sure if there’s anything to even do about this and I’ve told him how it makes me feel. I can’t change how he thinks or feels. I guess I just need outsider's perspectives and if anyone has any advice.Thanks so much! xoxo Reply to this Question
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (18 October 2013):
Well, you pretty much figured it out already. You can't talk him into changing, so you kind of need to figure out whether you'll stay and put up with it or leave.
I'd give him one last chance to change. Maybe he's not fully aware of how much this bothers you. Tell him that you feel neglected and unimportant because you guys don't see each other very often and that you constantly miss him and wish he was there more often.
Don't give him an ultimatum because it'll make him feel like an animal in a corner. But if he still doesn't change its probably time to leave because you probably won't ever be happy with him.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (17 October 2013):
 is this just a hobby? or is he actually able to make money and a potential career out of this?
he sounds legitimately like he has an addiction. or at least he did. but it doesn't sound very under control at the moment. he needs to find a healthy medium for everything in his life - work, play, and relationship. right now, music gets about 80% of his time, and then work gets about 15% and you get the remaining 5%. if he wants to ever have a healthy relationship, he needs to learn to lessen his grip on music a bit. either that, or be with a woman who is as self-absorbed into her hobbies or career as he is into his. that way, they both don't expect much from each other.
i don't know many woman who would be okay with this set up, so you are in no way wrong at all. i certainly wouldn't be okay with it. however, it's his choice to say that he can't give you more than what he is already giving. so if you are unhappy and he is unwilling to change, be prepared to have to walk away. i know it's not easy, but don't ever settle.
good luck.
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A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (17 October 2013):
 I understand you must be feeling pretty unwanted.
But realize this: Some talented musicians like time and space ALONE to create music.
Its not about you, its about his passion for his music.
He enjoys music above everything else.
That's a big sign for you about his commitment to music.
It's good if you talk to him about how you are feeling left out and see if he's willing to set aside some real time for you.
If he isn't willing to spend more time with you its probably best to consider staying in this kind of relationship as its not healthy for you to be in.
Goodluck.
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A
female
reader, xoCorixo +, writes (17 October 2013):
xoCorixo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm 21, he's 26
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (17 October 2013):
 It sez in the header that your age is "18 - 21". What's his (age)? I'm guessing.... about 12 Y.O. He's too young for you!!!!
Good luck...
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