A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My partner of seven years just admitted to using pictures of females .. Not porn. Just pictures of their bodies so he can masturbate. So it's not the action of sex - it's strictly their boobs and butts he wants to see. My major concern is that he has tons and tons and tons if pictures of me naked. He said he needed something new to look at. I'm hurt because I will only get older and older. I will never be new again so how long before he cheats because sex isn't exciting anymore? What hurts the most is the lie. The lie for years. He knew from day one this was a deal breaker. I'm so hurt. We have two kids. What can I do? This will only get worse right?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2015): This is the op
Honey pie I was not saying I will use the kids against him. I meant should I stay for the kids or for other factors in our relationship? What makes it worth it.
I want to try marriage counseling and my spouse says he will go. I asked him to be honest about if he can go without other women or not. If he's not honest he's destroying his own happiness as well as mine. I wish to find a way to get over this and be a Normal person but I have trouble shaking how I am. I believe sex is intimate for two committed people and I do not wish to involve other men and women. I have tried lowering my expectations but my mind set is so . Thank you for all your answers.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2015): No one is saying men can't masturbate but why do they always seem to have to demean women to do so? Why can't they use their imaginations ? And if they must use visuals , why do the web always have to look so different to the average wife and mother The op is right ! That doesn't make a wan feel beautiful and although the feeling of veauty comes from within, as a forth year psych student I can te you an individual's self esteem is largely a reflection of what is mirrored back to them by those they love .If the man closest to her mirrors back that if rather get off to bodies very different to yours the aelf esteem will be affected if the woman is at all a conscious and aware person.What we do does affect others . Men don't exist on bubbles. They risk deeply affecting the women they claim to live through behaving like this
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 February 2015):
 OP
To ME, a LOT of wanking is when he RATHER wank then be intimate with you. It might be different for you.
You can't really control HIS sexuality (yes wanking/masturbating is part of HIS sexuality). To use the kids or whatever, to try and blackmail him or manipulate him into thinking that he isn't ALLOWED to wank is pretty low.
Specially when this ISN'T about him masturbating. THIS is about you and YOUR self esteem.
You write:
"How can I ever feel beautiful again?"
Um, feeling beautiful comes from you. Him wanking to a pig in a poke or a fat lady's butt doesn't MAKE you less beautiful.
YOU need to talk to him. No using the kids or what not. Express how it makes you feel.
THEN you - yes YOU, need to work on your self image. For whatever reason you think YOU aren't good enough looking and that is why he wanks to someone else butt/boobs. I don't think that is it AT all and if you TALK to him, I think he will say the same.
Maybe YOU two need to start paying more attention to each other. Have a weekly date night, do things with the kids together. But most of all, you two NEED to talk.
Him not having a phone will NOT make this go away. You will still feel insecure. And he... won't have a phone.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 February 2015):
 I have two thoughts to offer:
1. It is not certain that he will cheat on you. There's no reason to believe that his masturbating is a precursor to infidelity... and that leads to....
2. He probably won't stop masturbating until one or more of these happen:
a. He will develop hair growing on the palms of his hands,
b. His eyesight will deteriorate (I slowed down once I needed glasses.),
c. His rotator cuff (in his shoulder) wears down to a nub, (and/or), his elbow exhibits "medial epicondyle apophysitis, better known as “little league elbow," or "tennis elbow," (and/or) his wrist exhibits "carpal tunnel" syndrome... much as a stenographer who has been taking shorthand nonstop for 40 years.....
You can talk to him and get his take on the matter...
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2015): This is the op-
Ok male anon
Thank you. I would like to hear from you why do you think he chooses other pictures over mine? He has visualizations from me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2015): This is the op
I forgot to add.
He said he will get rid of his phone entirely. That we are trying to save money anyway. That he really doesn't need to be doing that
Am I stupid to think he might actually stop?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2015): I am the op. Honey pie - how muh wanking is a lot? He always made it out like he was doing it somewhat infrequently and always with my pictures. Now he says he does so daily and about once a week he uses someone else's pictures. So while I like to think he doesn't want to degrade me I don't think that's it. What is going through his mind the days he decides to search for other bodies instead of using mine? I understand it doesn't sound that bad. But we have been very clear with each other and he admits he would be very hurt if I were doing the same thing. So it doesn't seem fair. I do like that he lacks imagination and it's not me. I may have to replay that in my mind a lot. So when someone is hurtful and lies, and when sex is involved, what outweighs that? How can I decide to stay with him using other factors? The kids? His personality? I just feel disgusting. How can I ever feel beautiful again?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2015): You want to try and get someone, male.or female, to stop masturbating? Good luck with that. You could be Scarlett Johannson, and your partner would still masturbate. Don't listen to a word the prudes of the world tell you, masturbation is a crucial part of male life, especially. It all comes down to a higher natural sex drive and a more aggressive, testosterone driven nature.And yes, men are much more visual sex than women. It's why 50 Shades of Grey got half yhe women of the planet hot under the collar but a guy would get bored in shy of a few pages. We prefer to SEE these events, with our eyes and hear them with our ears.The kind if masturbatory aid men use differs depending on preferences. But remember this, porn is based in fantasy. No one actually has sex that way. We men know it. It's designed from the ground up to be as visually seductive to us as a tawdry romance novel is written seductively for women.Remember this... sex is ALWAYS better. If it is a choice between sex with someone we are deeply in love with and porn... the healthy man will always choose the former... no contest.He loves you, else he would not be with you. But do you really wish to follow him around all day so you can satisfy him whenever he gets the burning desire for sexual release? Yeah, didn't think so. Youbwould be exhausted within like 2 days.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2015): Take advice from a woman who wasted twenty years with a guy like this and left after raising four kids.
It NEVER gets better
Men like to sprout that they have 'visual' needs , but women have emotional needs .
How would they like it if we get our emotional need to feel attractive met by another man say online . Is that also ok so
Long as we don't touch ????
Fair is fair !
Men seem to think it's a one way street all in their favour and I can bet none of the women he is looking at look like they have ever given birth right?
Do yourself a favour and your kids
Tell him your goung to find a man who finds you sexy enough and aan who respects you and is a good daddy to your children!!!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 February 2015):
Looking at "new" pictures doesn't automatically means he will cheat. Doesn't mean SEX with you will get "old".
What it DOES mean, he might be wanking a LOT and needs CONSTANTLY new imagery in order to get off. To me that say, he HAS little to no imagination when it comes to sex/masturbation. And I DO think it's something of an excuse. That would be like a guy saying he constantly HAS to have sex with a new woman to get off.... That wouldn't work for MOST men either.
Secondly. Masturbating to pictures of women body parts is sort of tame. I mean he isn't watching hard-core to get off, but he IS objectifying women to be JUST body parts to wank too and I find that a little offensive. BUT I would find a lot of porn WAY more offensive. Each to their own. We all have deal-breakers.
This is yours.
To me the lying is way more of a deal-breaker them looking at women's boobs.
If it IS a deal-breaker for you, then what are your intentions? He obviously isn't GOING to stop.
My advice you, EXPLAIN exactly WHY you find this offensive, why it's hurtful. (to him)
I'm not going to tell you that his actions are OK, that it's no big deal to watch pictures of boobs and butts - because it's NOT OK with you. All I can say, is.... He could be looking at so many "worse" things.
YOU are looking at his actions, and you make it about you. That YOU aren't good enough to look at and wank at. I don't think that is the case. I think his chosen choice in "dirty" pictures are these anonymous boobs and butts because he DOESN'T want to "degrade" you by USING your naked pictures as visual gratification.
You own self-esteem is what you are battling.
YOU want to control what he finds arousing, and life doesn't work that way.
Talk to him.
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