A
female
age
36-40,
*hocares86
writes:Now I posted this once with a few replies, however a few questions are on my mind that I need advice on... here's the story once again, I'll ask my questions at the end.Story: I met my boyfriend online a few years ago, but we didn't fall for each other until we met in person last year. I have several strings attached at the moment where I currently am so it's tough for me to make the big move. He's a few hours away from me and drives nearly every weekend to come see me. Well this past February 21st he made a mistake. (His past: Ex-gf's, he remains friends with them somewhat, never had sex, I was his first.) Well he went to his little brother's birthday party, and around 9pm we stopped texting... He didn't send me his usual goodnight I love you text, or anything for that matter. I was worried sick thinking he drank and tried to drive home and got hurt, etc. Well finally at 8am he texts me saying he got drunk and fell asleep on the couch...A week later we met up at my house, the usual snuggling, etc... and some random girl I never heard of texted him (supposedly she was the babysitter at his brother's bday and played with his phone because she was bored, and got his number) and when I asked who it was he said trust him and not to worry. But I had a bad feeling so I copied the number, and texted her from my phone later. On his way home, I texted her and she told me that they had gotten drunk and had sex the 21st. I was devastated. Finally I confronted him once he arrived at home, and he admitted to it after I told him she told me it all and not to hide it.This is how he claims it happened: He started drinking with his family, and later received a random text saying 'wanna f***' he asked who it was and it was the girl (I was able to read the bill - he doesn't know - and it's true she did spam text him). He stopped texting her back then an hour later she did again and kept asking him to just go do it and what she'd do for him. She he drunkenly walked with her to her car, they drove to the nearest gas station got condoms (2 - in case one broke) in the bathroom, and went back to her place where he laid on the bed. No kissing or making out occurred. It was pitch black, the girl knew all about me by the way, and she gave him a bj and then got on top etc. After they went back to his brother's house, and she fell asleep on one end of the couch, him the other. Later he woke up and she was giving him another bj, he was close to being sober and told her to stop before falling back to sleep. He woke up, she was gone, and he went home.He apparently talked to her over the week afraid she'd tell if he were to upset her, however I'm a little skeptical seeing as how one of the conversations ended up with her asking what he wanted and him stating she gave the best head. However he swears it was just talk, and said he never had ANY intentions of going back there, and was going to tell me but he was so scared to lose me. We broke up that night, and for the week after the girl tried to 'take my place' by texting him constantly, offering him to drive over and visit her (she's but 15 mins away) he didn't go back, but did talk to her (he really doesn't have many friends). When we made up, he told her we were back together, and yet she still tried to associate with him via text. (I saw the bill) When she texted after, he never replied since March 8th.He has also avoided going to his dad's worried she'd be there, and even missed his sister's sleep over party because the girl would be present.Apparently this girl has lots of 'f*** buddies' and my bf's step mom defends it.But since then, he's vowed never to get drunk without me present again, refused my offer of an open relationship or a trial break up to see what else is out there since I am his first 'sex and love' partner. He says I'm all he wants, he regrets what happened, and promises to never do it again.He wants us to move out, but I'm worried still... Though he's been honest and worked hard to make amends since we made up.Questions: 1. How was he even ALERT enough if he was drunk to buy two condoms in case one broke or something if he was THAT drunk? Or am I just over analyzing this?2. Now he said he had no intentions of seeing her again, and made it 'very' clear. However why would they have a conversation that went exactly like this (both the girl told me, and he admitted to it):Her: I'm having a bad dayHim: I bet I can make you smileHer: lolHim: Hah! I made you smile! What do I win?Her: What do you wantHim: Well you do give the best headHer: I knowNow even though it didn't make it to face to face again, why would he behave like this? I mean yeah I understand he was worried she'd tell me so talked to her via text to keep her mouth shut until he could confess to me, but seriously why did he have to get that bad?Once again, am I digging too deep? Even when we broke up he didn't go see her, and when we got back together he completely ignored her every time she'd text.Remember I read the phone bill w/o him knowing so I know she texted him first that night, I know he's ignored her since we made up, etc etc.Please help me ;o(
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (11 September 2009):
 I think he didn't intend to cheat on you. I used to drink heavily and quit many years ago; and I can tell you that drunk guys can do a lot of amazing things even though they shouldn't.
A
female
reader, whocares86 +, writes (11 September 2009):
whocares86 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you 'so' much for helping me. I have never gotten advice better than this that's for sure. It made me really think about everything, and to realize that he's not just lying to me when he looks me in the eyes and says he regrets it and loves and desires only me. I just get so worried because it's truly the worst pain I've ever had to endure in my life. I was so sick I lost 10lbs in three days, and threw up constantly... it was that bad. ;o( But I really feel good right now, and very relieved by your post.
However about the drinking, fortunately he's not an alcoholic, he was just 'having fun' with his dad and step mom and the neighbors, and ended up having one too many, but felt safe since he was at his family's house, and was going to just sleep there. It's a shame a girl really had to take advantage of him like that... eh.
However I just keep questioning if he was honestly drunk or not because he remembers quite a bit, and was sure to get two condoms in case one broke etc... or perhaps once again I'm over analyzing this... I mean ... drunk guys can still be somewhat aware of things right? Ughhh.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (11 September 2009):
First of all I really feel bad for you. You're angry and your insecure and you're looking at phone bills to relive this whole trauma. You're in a lot of pain over it.
He needs to help you get over this and spend time trying to love you and hopefully do whatever it takes to regain your trust.
Obviously he knows what he did was wrong and frankly though he may not have come out and said it, he's probably ashamed of it. He knows you care deeply about him and he hurt you.
Try and forgive him if you can. It takes time and you need to be patient. Try and convince him he needs to focus on you, and your feelings. Its obvious that the two of you have an emotional connection going, and he's not necessarily interested in doing something like this again. And you shouldn't be chasing all over creation digging up phone bills and figuring out what he'd texted and to whom. You want to be able to know in your heart that you're the one for him and no one else, and its his job now to work on that and change his behavior to conform.
You also need to be gentle and try and focus on getting him to open up more to you, spend some more time with you; and try and work on his issues with him. When guys do things like this its either because their habitual philanderers or they are not and they had a weak moment. I'm guessing he had a weak moment and so the thing is he has to dig deep down inside and work on this on his own. You can help him, you can lift him up emotionally. He knows what he did was wrong so you don't have to judge him and don't do that ever.
I think he's also being candid with himself by ignoring this girl so I think you're safe there. He's not going to go run to her. It also tells me that she doesn't mean much to him.
Here's the simple truth. The cornerstone of every relationship is trust. You don't trust him right now and he's actually paying the price for it. Believe it or not, somewhere inside he's suffering. Somewhere, deep down, he's really ashamed. That's why he didn't go see her after you two broke up. You need to keep talking to him and reassuring him that (if you still want him) you want to be able to trust him again. In order to do this, you can't judge him like I said, and you're just going to have to start moving past this. I know its redundant but I'm doing this on purpose.
The other thing I would be concerned about is his drinking. Drinking to get drunk is a dangerous thing. Its one thing to have a couple of drinks, but its entirely different if he drinks all the time. If he has a drinking problem, it has to stop. If he moderates his drinking then fine, a drunk once in a while happens. But I'd be concerned about it for both of you. Its not healthy and habitual alcoholism does not make people happy, it makes them depressed, angry and hurt inside.
Other than what's written here, if you want this to work, the two of you have to regain that trust, you have to reignite your emotional and physical intimacy, and you have to pay more attention to each other. Those emotional bonds are all you have as a couple. You need to keep that alive and well.
The other thing I want you to keep in mind is this. Never bring up a bad memory like this to hurt him. This should only be brought up constructively. If the two of you work on your relationship together, then you should be fine.
Remember that over time, couples that stay together mature together and they're always working on keeping their relationship alive and well. As he matures with you, he'll appreciate you more and the two of you will be confident in each other.
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