A
female
age
41-50,
*hell15
writes:Thanks to anyone that can offer some advice on this:I'm 29 and have been married for nearly a year. My husband cheated on me 18 months ago. (He kissed a girl 3 times and spent time with her). I found out and he confessed all. We had to move overseas together for work and I agreed to go ahead with the move and give the relationship a go. In turn, he agreed (and has been committed to) therapy every week to sort out why he did this and what he can do to make sure it never happens again. He has admitted he has cheated in every other single relationship before. Once he told the other girl to go away she started sending me horrible emails and as a result I had to close my facebook, myspace and linked in account. For 8 months every week I could expect an abusive email. I think seeing the consequences for his actions has affected my husband more than anything. He seemed to become depressed over what sort of man he was and how he could have hurt me like that. In every way for the past year since all this blew up he has been wonderful to me. However he has gotten depressed, some over his actions and some over our situation abroad and never feels like sex anymore. He has just started antidepressants 3 days ago, so really there isn't much more I can expect him to do to overcome this.As a result I am so insecure, sick of dealing with all these issues. It is hard to be so sympathetic to someone when there problems have caused you more pain than I could have imagined. I love him though and if he can pull through all this then I'd be a lucky, hapy wife. How do I relax though in the meantime? Have I made a mistake here? What can I possibly do?Thank you so much for taking the time to read my long winded story!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2008): My husband cheated on me. I chose to stay and work it out. It never gets any easier. You have to take things one day at a time. Just remember that your husband wanted to work things out with you. It will take time for you to trust again. Sometimes the other woman can be a problem. She doesn't want to let go. Believe me they will try anything to hold on to someone else's husband. Just keep working on your relationship. With time it will get better.
A
female
reader, shell15 +, writes (13 July 2008):
shell15 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for taking the time to respond to me. I agree with you on your points. I did walk into this situation and as bad as it sounds I knew I might be making things hard on myself but I thought and still do think he is worth it.
My husband was honest with me that he had cheated in the past. Actually he told me about 3 days into our relationhip. I was surprised when he told me up front and from the way he spoke figured it was something he had put behind him and in his honesty he expressed how it was something he wasn't proud of and he never wanted to be that person.
He has been in therapy since his incident in our relationship and I believe that experience is teaching him he had some very wrong ways of looking at himself. I feel like I have watched someone go to hell and back because of his actions and the problems they caused us.
I know it was my decision to allow our relationship to continue. Cheating is the most disrespectful thing in the world to me and there isn't much I loathe more than it now. I would walk if he did anything to hurt me again but I do believe he is worth taking this chance on. Maybe that is half my problem at the moment, that I never thought I would be the type of person to stay with someone who did this but then I found out I am.
Even if someone can accept what has happen, how do you go about repairing yourself? I went to therapy but ended up finding it useless because they would agree with me that I had reason to be doubtful and insecure. I need to find a way of getting back to the 'old' me that was easy going and full of life. His ex girlfriend emailed him the other day trying to spark up communication between them again. He showed me the email and his response which told her he was happily married and he felt it was inappropriate for them to communicate. I couldn't have asked him to handle it any better - yet, for the entire week I just feel sick about it. How can I stop being so anxious?
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (13 July 2008):
 I suggest counseling for the both of you.
There seems to be a whole lot going on and I doubt everything has been told in this story.
You seem to have made a couple of classic mistakes.
First, ALWAYS find out about your partners ex-relationships and what happened in them. If you do not learn from history you are bound to repeat the same mistakes AKA how he/she behaved in the past is how he/she will behave with you.
He cheated in the past, he cheated on you.
The second classic mistake is moving to fast. There are a lot of stresses in a new marriage AND in moving to another country AND in being seperated for a long period of time.
You combined them. Not the smartest of moves. No doubt there was no choice but combined with an already troubled relationship this creates far more issues then can be resolved with a simple piece of advice other then, get a pro to help you two figure it all out and how all the small problems affect each other.
It is easy to deal with single problems but when things combine they influence each other in ways that just are beyond well willing amateurs.
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