A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Here it goes...I met my boyfriend online a few years ago, but we didn't fall for each other until we met in person last year. I have several strings attached at the moment where I currently am so it's tough for me to make the big move. He's a few hours away from me and drives nearly every weekend to come see me. Well this past February 21st he made a mistake. (His past: Ex-gf's, he remains friends with them somewhat, never had sex, I was his first.) Well he went to his little brother's birthday party, and around 9pm we stopped texting... He didn't send me his usual goodnight I love you text, or anything for that matter. I was worried sick thinking he drank and tried to drive home and got hurt, etc. Well finally at 8am he texts me saying he got drunk and fell asleep on the couch...A week later we met up at my house, the usual snuggling, etc... and some random girl I never heard of texted him (supposedly she was the babysitter at his brother's bday and played with his phone because she was bored, and got his number) and when I asked who it was he said trust him and not to worry. But I had a bad feeling so I copied the number, and texted her from my phone later. On his way home, I texted her and she told me that they had gotten drunk and had sex the 21st. I was devastated. Finally I confronted him once he arrived at home, and he admitted to it after I told him she told me it all and not to hide it.This is how he claims it happened: He started drinking with his family, and later received a random text saying 'wanna f***' he asked who it was and it was the girl (I was able to read the bill - he doesn't know - and it's true she did spam text him). He stopped texting her back then an hour later she did again and kept asking him to just go do it and what she'd do for him. She he drunkenly walked with her to her car, they drove to the nearest gas station got condoms (2 - in case one broke) in the bathroom, and went back to her place where he laid on the bed. No kissing or making out occurred. It was pitch black, the girl knew all about me by the way, and she gave him a bj and then got on top etc. After they went back to his brother's house, and she fell asleep on one end of the couch, him the other. Later he woke up and she was giving him another bj, he was close to being sober and told her to stop before falling back to sleep. He woke up, she was gone, and he went home.He apparently talked to her over the week afraid she'd tell if he were to upset her, however I'm a little skeptical seeing as how one of the conversations ended up with her asking what he wanted and him stating she gave the best head. However he swears it was just talk, and said he never had ANY intentions of going back there, and was going to tell me but he was so scared to lose me. We broke up that night, and for the week after the girl tried to 'take my place' by texting him constantly, offering him to drive over and visit her (she's but 15 mins away) he didn't go back, but did talk to her (he really doesn't have many friends). When we made up, he told her we were back together, and yet she still tried to associate with him via text. (I saw the bill) When she texted after, he never replied since March 8th.He has also avoided going to his dad's worried she'd be there, and even missed his sister's sleep over party because the girl would be present.Apparently this girl has lots of 'f*** buddies' and my bf's step mom defends it.But since then, he's vowed never to get drunk without me present again, refused my offer of an open relationship or a trial break up to see what else is out there since I am his first 'sex and love' partner. He says I'm all he wants, he regrets what happened, and promises to never do it again.He wants us to move out, but I'm worried still... Though he's been honest and worked hard to make amends since we made up.So any comments, advice, etc?
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broke up, condom, drunk, I love you, kissing, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for your response, it really made me feel more positive towards the relationship rather than angry and upset!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2009): Wow, you have quite the situation on your hands. I have dealt with cheating and it is a VERY hard thing to over come. No one can answer this for you sweatie but yourself and you need to listen and follow your heart, but don't ignore the obvious, however; do not search for things either. Sometimes what we don't know, can not kill us, and reality becomes and illusion. If you can truly trust him, work on the relationship. I believe alot of relationships go through their trial and tribulations, sometimes they break a relationship and sometimes they make you stronger. You just need to focus on the future and leave the past behind you. I know, first hand, this is so much easier said than done. I am dealing with a mess all my own. Somedays it is clear that we love each other and need to work things out, and sometimes the past eats at me so bad it seems easier to start over. Its taugh... and eventhough time heals all wounds, it is going to be what you two do with that time... time can make it worse as well. As long as he is being sensitive towards you, understanding that you may have your moments when you get sad or down about it, he just needs to lift you up a bit. That seems to be the only wya i get through my days sometimes. We have been together five years, we own a home, have two dogs, and just had a rough year... My best advice to you is look forward and DO NOT get stuck on the details. He may have made his mistake, but where women go wrong is they make their men have a life long sentence with their mistake. You need to decide if you can move forward or not. It is not so much about the future, but sometimes letting go of the past is hard all on its own. I trust my boyfriend a million percent, but it doesn't make it any easier... thinking about what he did just kills me... really bad. I wake up out of a dead sleep after having nightmares about it. It is challenging, but if you can make it through this, it should only prove to the both of you how strong your love is for one another. Marriage is when these things are a no no...so learn them now. I wish you the best sweatie. I will keep you in my prayers!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): first lesson to be learn - do not blame the other person. he is an adult. no one forced him to have sex. do not shift the blame. just deal with the bf and not blame the other girl. be realistic. you were not there, so it is only his word.
but work on the relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe vowed to not get drunk without me present and hasn't since.
Btw thanks for your reply, it feels good to know what others thinks about the situation. But the girl did push him until he gave in hours later, and still wouldn't go away even after we made up etc. She really is a nasty girl.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): at that moment he wanted sex. went and got condoms with her. so it was inevitable that they did it. no excuses from him will suffice. the intention was there beforehand.
if he is truly sorry and he has not lied since and if you feel you can TRUST him again, then work on your relationship.
i will be worried about the distance between the two of you. if he gets drunk again, wants sex, and you are a few hours drive, then what?
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