A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:HI all iv posted on here before about an ex that seemed to trying to get back into my life, just wanted a little more advice.We split because within the first year of the relationship he cheated.We have a child together now.Hes showing more interest more so now than ever, but hes engaged to someone else who he discusses all the time about breaking it off with, its on the rocks etc.I do not want him back but he is still testing the water i think.He visited again, and he was very complimentative about me, saying how good i looked, how pretty, my hair was nice.He also mentioned being on the rocks with her again, but hasnt mentioned a break away this time.He also made a worrying comment, along the lines of "if youd ever love me again", and "if youd have me back again in the future"Then he mentioned how hurt he was when i left him.He did cheat, but we tried to work on it, but i became too overwhelmed by the "other woman" not backing off, she continued messaging him and stalking him a bit, i knew he didnt respond to her but she still worried me so i left.He said he was hurt that id gone. I dont see how as he moved on. i didnt get the chance to as i was pregnant at the time.I fought my corner as best i could. I even told him he made my skin crawl when he doesnt. i just said it ot make him back off a bit. which he said hurt him too.He sounds confused about what he wants, im not sure he wants this fiancee of his, but im not sure hed be happy being with me again for real or just because we have a child or if he really does still love me. I just dont know.I dont want him back right now at all, im trying to rebuild my life.Focus on my children.However, i hate to admit it, i do still love him. but i resent him too much to ever show that. He had chance and time to move on, i never did have that chance until now.I want to heal so bad, but i just cant find a way to do it. Id hate to ruin the friendship we still have by not seeing him at all. He wasnt exactly great as he cheated, but we got on so well and still do. i thought at one time he was my soul mate. he thought the same before.But im a total mix of feelings and emotions, i resent him, but i love him, but im hurt and vulnerable,but im confused, could someone tell me , a straight answer as to what i can and should do now? I cant tell him how i feel as itl complicate things more as he's still with her and i dont want to open pandoras box right now, but if i dont he could see all my anger and offness with him as a "i dont care do what you want" scenario and stay with her for the sake of it?
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female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (18 September 2012):
 I wouldn't doubt that he loves you, but it sounds like he's testing the waters to see if you will be the back up for him, or his little dish on the side. Don't fall for it, because YOU will be the one who gets hurt in the end. My ex husband did this to me, he got remarried 6 weeks after our divorce (got the girl pregnant) and he was constantly saying things about how unhappy he was with his marriage ect..every single time he came to see our daughter. It was very very painful to me because at that time I still loved him, and I had not moved on in that short of a time frame. He wants what he now doesn't have and is seeing if you will take him back. Keep things friendly and very brisk...every time he starts saying those kinds of things..change the subject. Don't ever for a moment let him think that he's got a chance with you! You deserve far better. Stay strong..it will get easier. I promise. Just remind yourself why you left him to begin with. A leopard doesn't change its spots.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2012): well, you're right that he's confused about what he wants. People like him are ALWAYS going to be confused about what they want, will always be jumping around from one relationship to another and cheating in the process trying to test out a new relationship before letting go of an old one. even if you got back together with him, I bet after some time he will again get confused if that's what he wants and then he might go about trying to get back with her the way he's trying now with you (and that is if he even happens to break up with her at all, which he might not even.) you best stay away from him because he has shown he hasnt' changed.
the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2012): You would seriously consider getting back with this guy at all after he not only cheated on you, but he's proving to you that he hasn't changed a bit? He's engaged and is now trying to find his way back into your life. Have you ever considered the reason his relationship might be on the rocks is because he's been up to his old tricks behind his fiance's back too?
Now it seems he's trying to use you because you maybe convenient at this point in his life as an escape route from her, not to mention he knows you're vulnerable and would fall for it. He doesn't care about you, he's only thinking about himself as always.
If you want to re-build your life then do not allow him to fool his way back into it, he will destroy your world again and you will be back to square one.
The reason you can't move on from him is because you've remained in contact with him as "Friends". If you want to move on that badly you need to be tough, tell him to go back to his relationship, try and fix it or don't try and fix it, that's his business, and tell yourself its for the best you break contact with him to give you chance to move on from this mess.
He's walked out on you once, if you don't feel you should owe it to yourself, you owe it to your children not to allow him the chance to do it again.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (17 September 2012):
 He is probably saying the same things to you he said to the other woman about you. Obviously nothing has changed so my advice is do NOT tell him of any love you still have for him and do not take him back.I believe he does have some feelings for you, but not enough to inspire him to be a better man. Part of your appeal here is he has no obligation to you and you are an escape from whatever he is unhappy about with the other woman.You don't have to be nasty with him. Just be brief, matter of fact and cheerful. Whatever he says, no matter how profound or gut wrenching he tries to make it sound, use the same breezy, matter of fact tone you would had someone commented on the weather.Him: 'I was really hurt when you left me'You: 'Yeah, you told me about that. What time did you say you would be picking up [your child]?'Him: 'Things haven't been working out [with the new woman]. I would be so happy if you loved me again.'You: 'Sorry to hear that. Gotta run. Call me when you're ready for me to pick up [your child].'Be pleasant, and upbeat and not overly sympathetic. However down he claims to feel, be a little dismissive and when challenged about it, play dumb.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 September 2012):
 Let him visit with his kid but that's where I would draw the line. I think he sounds like he's grooming you to be his bit on the side. I wouldn't what that heartache again.
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