A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i am 21 and had been with my boyfriend for 3 n half years. we met online and had a long distance relationship until last April when he moved to be closer to me. we lived on different coast lines. he has always said that i was the love of his life, that we were meant to be, and us meeting was fate. we had such a great relationship, never fought, we're best friends, supported each other threw everything. we talked about moving in together. a little about marriage and kids. although we both knew we didn't want that quite yet. i then met this guy who i was infatuated with and really confused me because i knew i wanted my boyfriend but i also felt like i was young and wanted to date but i knew the whole time i wanted to end up with my boyfriend. we talked about it and took a little break a few weeks, but the whole time we saw each other every day and acted like we were still together and eventually just got back. i then found some text messages of a girl asking why he was ignoring her and if he was breaking up with her. i asked him about it and he said he met her online and all they did was flirt. that he didn't know if i loved him anymore and this girl was interested and it made him feel good. but after we got back he stopped texting her. i believed him. he moved to another state because he needed help studying for an exam, and some guys from college could help him out...he had lived with these guys before he moved to be with me and after the exam he was going to move back. about a month after he moved we broke up again because i felt like i needed to stretch my wings a little, figure out myself a little before i became totally committed to him because once he moved back i knew we would be wanting to move in together. we still talked everyday, he was my best friend. he said that he loved me still thought we would end up together and wanted to move back to me within the year weather or not we were single or together. i then found out that during our relationship he cheated on me. he met a girl on myspace and had a relationship with her. he met her a few months before i went to visit him (when we were still long distance). they spent a week together he says they kissed n she gave him head. when i went to visit him a few months later we took each others virginity...or i thought we did. i guess ill never know if he really was a virgin or not. he says he was. he moved from where he was living to where his college buddies were at because they had a job for him it just so happens that she lived near there. he lived in a house with a bunch of roommates she was one of them. he had a relationship with her and he admits to having sex with her. when he moved here in April he broke it off with her (i know this as fact and not just cuz he told me) and when we had a break in dec. it was her that he was texting. when he moved back to study for the exam he was living in that house where she was one of the roomates, they started their relationship again. all the while him telling me that he wanted to move back that i was the love of his life we were meant to be. etc. etc. i truly feel like what we had is special but i am so confused. he wants to be with me and wants to move here. he is trying to do that. he has started seeing therapy to try to figure out why he cheated on me. he knows that what we had is lost and never again will we get it back because he lied. i had a hard time with everything, i was very confused especially because he is my best friend, but have decided not to talk or communicate with him for 6months. gives him time to figure out what he wants and for me to do the same. my question is, what should i do after those 6months? should i go to couples therapy to try to repair our friendship and possibly relationship someday. i feel like there are some people who cheat and get help and are truly helped and i feel like he and our relationship could be one of those...but i dont want to go threw that if he's just going to cheat again. it would be nice to have some outside opinions, especially from people who have cheated or have been cheated on. thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwhen he moved away to study for his exam with his friends we broke up so we could date other people...well more for me to, i thought. when i told him my fears about never getting to date he told me he could stay there longer and i could do whatever i needed to do because he wanted me happy even if it meant not being with him, but he felt like we would end up together. i feel like what we had was special, everyone told me how they could tell that he loved me and i could tell too by the way he looked at me. for the past 4 years we have been best friends tell each other everything...well i guess not everything since he was hiding this from me. i honestly don't know if we'll be able to stay out of each others lives totally for those 6months. he is still trying to get transferred and move back here. i kind of feel like some people after getting caught cheating try to make it out to be no big deal and don't wanna deal with it, and he's not doing that at all. he's gone to therapy, wants couple therapy---just to salvage out friendship (but im sure deep down he wants our relationship back as well), he's remorseful and i dont think its just cuz he got caught but because he knows he has hurt me and i will never be the same. i plan to try to date and try to get over this but i feel like i will always have a connection with him and feel like i belong with him. so part of me wonders if im stupid to not try therapy with him after those months apart, especially since we were such great friends to begin with.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): It sounds from the way you are describing it that both of you feel you are not ready for a commitment and want to see other people. When someone cheats, it breaks the trust, but at least you have been honest with each other and not covered up the cheating. I think it sounds good what you said, to back off for six months and see what happens. Try not to plan what you will do then, see you how feel and how he feels. But often if someone cheats they cheat again. And being at a distance does make a relationship harder. Had you considered finding someone local?
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