A
female
age
41-50,
*azed-Confused
writes:HELP!!! I'm not sure how to handle this situation. I started dating this guy about a year ago. We met online, he was new in town and looking to meet ppl, and at first we were just friends (I had just come out of succession of bad relationships where the guys had all cheated on me). From our first time hanging out, we clicked, and soon started to spend a lot of time together. We decided to start dating and see where things went, but he warned me that things may not progress the way I wanted b/c he had been in some messed up relationships in the past. I said I would be willing to give it a try, as long as he was honest and open with me. After a couple of months, I asked him where our relationship stood b/c he had told me he had a problem with the "boyfriend" label b/c of his past experiences. I didn't care about that too much, but more so wanted to be able to tell ppl when they asked me what my relationship status was. He said that as far as he was concerned we were in an exclusive relationship, but he just had a problem with the label. I was ok with that, but my intuition told me to explore more. A couple of weeks later I asked him if he had a gf back home, or someone else that he had feelings for. He looked shocked at the suggestion and vehemently denied it. As I had no proof I put it aside. I thought things were going well. We went on a trip together, he called every day, even when he went home. He gave me the keys to his apartment when he was away....he said he loved me. However, every couple of months he would kind of have a freak out and kind of shut me out for a couple of days. We would talk things out, and things would be ok. My family and friends all commented on how much he seemed to care for me, and how right we seemed for each other. Things feel apart after New Years. We had spent the entire week together, and things seemed to be better than they had been. Then, during the first week of Jan after we had gone back to work, I got a hysterical phone call from him saying that something bad had happened and he would need a couple of days. I was worried about him, and also worried that there was something wrong with us. He said that that wasn't the case, so I agreed to give him his space. Then a couple of days later I got a text from him saying that he was sorry, he never meant for any of this to happen, that he loved me, but he was just confused and scared. I had not idea what was going on. So the following night I went to his place to talk to him. Immediately upon walking in he told me he loved me and that I wasn't to worry, that he wasn't doing anything with anyone. This raised my suspicions since I never once asked/accused him of this. We talked for a while, and then his phone started ringing. It was late, and I told him to answer it since it might be important. He said no, he wanted to talk to me, but he kept looking toward the phone. A few minutes later it rang again. He then said he should get it, but he wanted us to meet the next day and talk b/c I was important to him and he wanted to fix things. So I left. I got to my car and realized that I had forgotten something in his apartment. I went back up and could hear him talking on the phone. I was knocking on the door, but he didn't hear. The conversation I heard devastated me. He was talking to another woman and saying the he loved her, talking about their future children together, etc...I finally banged on the door. He opened it, and I could see he had been chatting on the computer and had pulled the webcam so she couldn't see who was there. We looked for the thing I had forgotten, and then I left. He could tell I was upset as I was leaving, but I couldn't talk. I stood outside the door trying to collect myself, and he immediately started talking to her again. He told her I was the fat ugly neighbour from next door asking for some help. I got mad at that point, and banged on the door again, he opened it and pretended to be sleeping. I told him I had heard everything and he owed me an explanation. He was very upset, visibly so, and I think he was honestly ashamed of himself. He said that he didn't really love this woman, that they had hooked up b4 he moved here, and she had asked for a relationship. He said she was from a bad family and had gotten out of an abusive relationship, and he didn't know how to say no. She was also away at school in another country, and that there was really no chance of it lasting, but didn't want her to be so alone in a foreign country with no friends and family. He said his plan had been to kind of take a break from us for a couple of weeks and slowly break things off from her and then contact me and hope that I would still want to be with him. I want to believe him but don't think I can. He has told me numerous times since then that he loves me. My friends and family want me to try and work things out with him, but I don't even know if he wants that and I don't want to compete with some other woman. I'm not sure what to do or how to handle this. I do love him, and really wish that things had turned out differently, but I'm not sure I believe his story, and even if it is true, I don't think that it is a good reason to have lied to me for a year. HELP!!!
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a break, cheated on me, met online, neighbour, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2009): Excuse my hurried bad typing....what I meant is when he is telling her you were ugly and came to his door, it sounds like he believes women believe that men are safe around unattractive women and she doesn't have to worry...about him doing anything behind her back....his locus of conrol for his behavior is outside of himself.....he doesn't realize it but he is giving that away about his character, he doesn't feel guilty for anything and everything has to suit him from the outside in, not the inside out.....as long as you are a good girl, don't question him too much and are attractive and he can get something from you without you interfering with his other life, he is fine with you.....he doesn't care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2009): Yeah, good points there, and also it is not your job to tell him that he is hurting the other gal by dragging things out, something tells me he doesn't really care that much....and calling you the ugly fat neighbor is a bad sign even if it doesn't describe you, he can lie easily and he is baiting this other woman by telling her what he thinks of this other woman being ugly as if he something outside of himself to demotivate him....do you see what I mean....this is a typical liars MO.....I changed my mind,
you are wasting your time here and he is playing you for a fool....he knows you love him, he knows what you want, you don't have to tell him and by acting like he cares less,
he is in control of the relationship.....smoooooth.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009): I hate to tell you, but no one talks to a woman about their future children together just because he feels bad that she's alone in another country. He could easily have been her friend and let her know she's not alone in the world without saying things like that. Sounds to me like he's full of crap, toward both of you and probably the women he's dated in his past. Maybe that's why the previous relationships were so messed up. You sound like a sensible woman but it's hard to keep our heads on straight when our feelings are involved. I don't think I would give this man another chance, he would probably still be lying if he wasn't caught.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009): I agree with you, ultimatums don't work. What you can do is say well you can take your time making up your mind about this other gal, but you can't have me all to yourself and I will be dating some other guys while you do, no offense, but I am not going to play second fiddle to anyone...so you decide, I am fine either way, with or without you, but you know how I feel about you.....it's up to you, pal....sort of thing, and the get up and leave.
Let him come to you....it will keep him from doing something else like that down the line....OK?
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A
female
reader, Dazed-Confused +, writes (8 February 2009):
Dazed-Confused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers so far. Maybe I'm being too practical, but when he described me as the fat ugly neighbour, I know that he was just trying to reassure this other woman. I have enough self-confidence to know that I am neither fat or ugly. I think the rest of my confusion is that my friends and even my mother all think that I should work it out with him. I feel that if I tell him that I want to work out between us that I am essentially saying that he hasn't reached the breaking point when it comes to what I will take, and that he may do something worse down that line. By the same token, I do really love him and when we are together I feel so relaxed and happy. Also, while he says he loves me, he hasn't said he wants to try salvaging, nor has he said that he is going to end things with the other girl. I don't want her hurt, but I'm not about to share the guy I'm with. I don't believe in ultimatums and think he just needs to decide what he wants. I also feel that the longer he continues things with this woman, if his story is true, the harder it will be for him in the end to break things off with her. I told him the night that I found everything out that if he cares for her, not to drag it out and slowly stop talking to her like he had planned (if that was the truth) b/c that is just going to hurt and confuse her more in the end. This is honestly the only man I have ever seen myself having a future with, or that my parents haven't hated on sight.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009): Well this is a tough one and I know how it feels to be lied to by a man about his relationship with someone else.
But on the other hand it sounds to me like he is telling you everything and he knows he is in a bind and he has his reasons for not breaking this other woman's heart, he feels guilty and possibly he wasn't sure about you either....I think it takes at least 18 months to really know about someone's character or if they are the right one for you.
No one can answer this question for you, but it is possible to work through something like this and make your relationship stronger. But he is the one who broke the trust and it is his to prove to you that he is truly sorry, he truly loves you and to make ammends. He needs to know how much this has hurt you and confused you, and he needs to show you Proof if he can that he is telling you the truth about this woman and her being out of the country...etc.
If you really want to give it a go, maybe suggest some couple's therapy, have a professional help you work through your trust issues...
I don't know the guy, if you think he is just a creep, mentally challenged and would do this again, dump him, if you think he is a good guy that made a mistake, and you love him more than life itself, give him a chance to make it up to you and earn your trust.
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A
female
reader, Miss_Objective +, writes (8 February 2009):
Personally, I'd listen to your gut feeling. He's lied to you before and he may lie again. If he can tell this unknown woman that you were the "fat ugly neighbour" asking for help, he could just as easily lie and say this woman doesn't mean much to him. As you said, he claims she's a woman from a bad family," etc. I don't think he's worth your time. You deserve far better.
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