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female
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*annaz
writes: i have been dating my boyfriend for over a year, and i was dying my friends hair and she told me that he cheated on me with another girl. and i was like ya ok and i didn't believe her, so when i was finished i called him and asked him and he denied it at first, but then admited it. but it was at christmas time. so should i stay with him? or move on? my family lost most respect for him, and so did i.. should i give him a second chance?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2006): I also found out about a year later that my boyfriend had been cheating. When they haven't told you and you find out off someone else, it feels like the worst thing in the world - "could there be more things he hasnt told me?" Especially when they deny it.
It's hard to rebuild trust, I'm still trying another year on from when I found out about him cheating and another load of secrets have been unfolded in that time - more cheating that he never told me about that I found out for myself. I'm now on the verge of splitting up with him, because he abused my trust and doesn't deserve to be with someone honest and willing - you should try and do the same thing before it's too late, but that is your decision to make - not mine and it's so hard to leave someone you've been with for so long.
Even if was in the past, it's new to you so it still matters as much as it would of back then, even if you hadn't been with him that long.
A
female
reader, Toria +, writes (2 October 2006):
 I've always believed people deserve a second chance apart from when they have cheated, the problem is if you give him a second chance you will always wonder if he is or will do it again, and that alone will put stresses and strain on your relationship making you both unhappy.
When it comes down to it only you know what you want and whether you love him and want to make a go of things, sometimes we all need that second chance to avoid the what ifs at a later time.
Good luck :o)
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A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (2 October 2006):
 Hi Jannaz,
Well, I don't really see any reason why you want to get back together with him, the only things I see that you've written about him are negative: he cheated, hid it from you, lied, and then after all of that finally admitted it (and only because your friend told you). You say that you lost most respect for him.
Are there any positive things about this guy? I am not one of those who thinks "once a cheat, always a cheat," so if there are any positives, I think you should weigh them against the negatives. If you think that you both can move on, then why not give it a shot - I mean why would you be asking this question if there was no part of you that would want to try again, you know?
I also think that before you dive into another relationship with this guy, you should talk about what happened. Why he cheated, what state of mind he was in (maybe he was drunk - this is not an excuse, more of something to watch out for), what was happening in your relationship, how it made the both of you feel, how it was a learning experience (for honesty). Something like this will probably reflect how he will act in the future with problems, etc -use this conversation to figure out whether or not this is the kind of person you want to be with.
Think about the positives and negatives, talk with him, figure out if you both (mainly you) can move on.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, camille  +, writes (2 October 2006):
 It's hard when you find out something that happened a while ago, but it's still up to you. If you think things have been great since Cristmas, perhaps he realized the huge mistake he'd made and has been making it up to you without you knowing. If you think it's stayed the same and you're both happy, that's probably more tricky. If things have been going downhill, maybe it's time to bail out. He's had 9 months where hopefully he has been faithful, so it's whether that counts for anything. I would rather someone tell me immediately and let me make a decision. As even though they cheated and lied, they confessed which shows a shred of honesty. Not that that honesty would help as I would probably break up with them. I'd find it hard to forget. Not sure I'd forgive them either. After 9 months, it would also take some time apart for me to decide whether there was a relationship worth saving after finding that out. I couldn't just carry on as if nothing happened. Although there's no fundamental difference in the fact he cheated, it's the length of time that you've not known for me that would make a difference. 9 months where you've probably been trusting him, to find out he cheated must have been a shock. I guess in short, time to think about it and talking it through would be my first plan. A second chance would only be given with careful consideration and if you think you can live with it and rebuild trust. I wish you luck as it can't be easy for you to get your head around.
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