A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what to do, I found out this weekend that my boyfriend cheated on me and he came clean straight away and said that he wouldn't blame me for leaving him but he said that he wished that after I've thought about it I would give him another chance and he would really work at it. The thing is I know he means it cause he said that I was the best thing that has ever happened to him and he can't believe that he has nearly destroyed it.I have been thinking about it and I do still want to be with him but there is something just niggling me.Could someone give me a little bit of advice or if anyone has been through this. Thanks xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to say thank you for your advice and after thinking about it we are giving it another go, we both understand that we have a hill to climb but it would be worth it.Thank you both xx
A
female
reader, namo +, writes (15 October 2008):
 i think that if i were you i'd give him a second chance. Everyone makes mistakes and do things they regret. The fact he told you straight away surely shows that he's sorry and wouldn't do it again. think about it...if you found out much later who knows how many times he had cheated on you, or if you found out by someone else it shows he's dishonest and goes behind your back.
He sounds like a good guy and although its very upsetting i would maybe think about talking about it with him. ask why he did it..he might not have been thinking clearly, drunk or whatever.
As long as he hasn't got a reputation for doing this sort of thing i'd think about forgiving him as i'm you'd want a second chance if you slipped up
good luck :]
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): Hello Dear,
Since you have just recently found out about your bf's infidelity, you need to give it some time. You have every right to be hurt, disappointed and ambivalent about the future with your bf. You don't have to make decisions right away, give yourself time to deal with this.
However, if you decide to stay in the relationship, there are some things you might want to bring to your boyfriend's and your own attention:
What he has done, he has done and he cannot take it back or erase it. He shouldn't try to "make it up to you", he should put effort into the relationship's FUTURE, not on rectifying something that cannot be fixed. This goes for you,too. If you are going to lash out at him, do it now. You should express your anger now and let it all out. This is necessary - and it may prevent you from punishing him for this mistake later on. Moving on means moving on for the both of you, when the time is right.
Communicating honestly and openly about this situation will help the both of you in the future, whether you are together or not. Pretending like it didn't happen or putting it behind you when you're still in the middle of it won't help. No-one has the pretend to be braver than they are!
Your bf made a mistake and as you believe he is genuinly sorry and it is not likely to happen again, he probably deserves a second chance - but ONLY if you want that. Cheating hurts like hell and it is possible that this incident may come back to haunt you. This is normal and understandable. Again, you have every right to vent, be angry with him, feel disappointed and betrayed. You need to talk things through and make sure you process this incident properly. It makes the moving on-part a hell of a lot easier.
I personally believe these things can happen even if there is not really anything majorly wrong with the relationship; so if this was a human error on his part and not the symptom of something that ramificates further and you are willing to forgive and move past it, then I think you two have a good chance of getting over this. I must congratulate you for being able to think about another chance so soon after the fact. Your bf is damn lucky to have you, girl!
If the relationship is good and strong and you have something to fight for and you are both willing to do so, then another chance might be the right option.
Two things I suggest you remember: Firstly, you have been hurt and the feeling is not going to go away in a flash, it is a long process and you have the right to take all the time you need to heal. Processing it with someone outside the relationship gives you support and strength; talk to your friends about this, that's what they are for.
Secondly: just because this unfortunate thing happened, it doesn't erase all the good things in your relationship. The bad stuff doesn't obliterate the good stuff, and vice versa. But ultimately, it is up to you whether you are ready and willing to give the relationship another go. You and only you are able to make that decision, no-one can make it on your behalf, it is your life, your relationship, your heart.
I wish you all the best, again, take your time, let your feelings out and take care!
Loads of hugs,
Lorelai
xxx
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