A
female
age
36-40,
*fritz1988
writes:Before a get started...i want to say i love my boyfriend very much.BUT...we have been through too much. i don't know what to do anymore. We have been dating for almost 2 years now. the past 5 months is the best our relationship has ever been. when we first start dating he cheated on me with his ex (we were 2 weeks into our relationship)2 months later he gets a voice mail, and its his ex saying she is pregnant. she admits to having unprotected sex with 4 other guys around the same time my bf cheated on me. She was so sure the kid is my boyfriends though. so time goes on...and on...and on....then the baby is born. so naturally we want to take the DNA paternity test to stop all the harrasment. he took it and it came back his. we sat down several times to talk about what he wants to do, he kept saying he wants nothing to do with the child. so he gives up his rights to his ex.should i be as mad as i am? (i am PISSED)any advice will help.should i continue this relationship or do i continue and always get reminded that my boyfriend created a child while having a relationship with me?????im hurt and very depressed!HELP!
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cheated on me, depressed, his ex, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): It's fair enough to be angry. No one likes to be cheated on, even at the blurry start of a relationship. And you didn't sign up to a relationship with a new father.Are you sure your partner is making good choices for good reasons, and not perhaps from fear of your anger or to placate you for the hurt he has caused?If his decisions aren't being made for good reasons, then that will cause a burning resentment which will doom your relationship. You don't want him thinking "I have a child I'll never meet because of you".And what of the baby? Is it right to have it grow up with no contact or support from its father? Is it a sin that you are causing that sadness to happen to make yourself feel better?As for dumping him or not, do what you think will make you happy in the long run. He is not making you happy now. If you can't see that changing then you'd be happier by yourself.
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (19 October 2010):
 You are understandably jealous and angry that he created a child with someone else when he had recently committed to you. However, as others say, the fact that he has given up his rights to this child is a bit of a double-edged sword.
On the one hand, that should be proof to you that you are even more important than his own flesh and blood. I think you should take it as a very good sign in your favour.
On the other hand, I personally wouldn't want a guy who was capable of giving up his paternal rights and responsibilities. To me that is very selfish and shows him not taking responsibility for his actions.
As for cheating, given when this took place (so early in your relationship), I would consider it a bit irrelevant.
It is more as if when you got together, his ex was pregnant with his child. In that situation, what would you expect? Him to disown the child? I wouldn't.
Why does nobody ever think about the child in this situation? I think you should actually have told him not even to consider disowning his child, and to have full rights, and for you both to play a role in the child's life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): You have a lot of thinking to do, don't make decisions now, just think about what you want in life.
Your own words may help you.
"we have been through too much"
Yes, you should be angry.
Yes, you should be cautious.
However, what is it you want from a long term partner in the future, and can he give you that? Will he give you that? He has a child he doesn't want to support...what does that mean for the future with others.
You are young still, take your time and really think about this for your future can be a pleasant one or it may not.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (19 October 2010):
 Well, not that I'm am defending him or saying it is ok... but cheating 2 weeks into a relationship is a bit different the your "normal" type of cheating. How many dates did you two have during that two week time? Were you two having sex yet? Living together? Saying I love you? How about this... were you two "exclusive"?
Again, I'm not saying it's ok for him to do what he did. But sometimes the line is a little blurred. Sometimes you are just dating somebody and you never know how far it will go. Once you see things are getting serious, THEN you are less likely to stray from the relationship.
My point is, yes.. in hindsight he screwed up. But do you think he would ever cheat on you now? Do you think if he knew how serious things would get he would have cheated? I can't stand cheaters and I have to tolerance for them, but in this case with the facts you have given us... I'd cut him a little slack. I wouldn't sweep it under the carpet completely, but I'd just try taking into account the rest of the 2 years you've had with him and factor that into the equation.
And as far as the kid and the ex? That is more complicated and really a separate subject. Personally I think he should at least be taking responsibility and supporting the child. Like it or not the baby is a part of his life now. It's up to you whether you want to be with him knowing that or not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): It is natural to feel hurt, but you haven't provided us with any details about any other time he has shown that he isn't devoted to you aside from the two-week mark of your relationship. Since he has said he wants nothing to do with this child, it seems like he's fine with cutting ties with his old girlfriend.
As for you being angry, I would be quite angry, too. But he chose you over her right now and seems willing to talk to you about it. Sit down with him and tell him how you're feeling. Are you both willing to let an two-year-old indiscretion get in the way of your relationship and future?
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