A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I Really need help with this one... So I have been doing a long distance relationship with this guy since last january of 2012 I was going to school in vegas and he lives in huntington beach 3 hour drive not bad. We actually saw eachother alot in the beginning valentines day he sent me flowers i spent spring break at his house we skyped every night we couldnt see eachother and talk or texted all day he even came to my graduation. He told me he loved me there was no other girl out there for him and ultimately the big picture had us in it living together like within the next year. He helped me move to a new place the first weekend of july then on the 4th I wanted to surprise him and go out on his boat to watch fireworks my phone died and I wasnt able to get to his house until 4am he was in a bad mood and the next morning kinda rushed me out of there but felt bad then was trying to cuddle and kiss for a minute. Then his bday was july 29 and he knew i was so excited for his birthday but last minute told me he was going to go spearfishing but told me he already decided I was his future wife no matter what happens he will ablways be there for me he will fight for me if we break up blah blah blah with our schedules we could not see eachother but we have literally been talking and skyping everyday. Valentines day 2013 rolled around and all I got was a happy valentines day to the most beautiful girl in the world text. I was sad he didnt do anything more. around 8 he got off work and we were fighting then he told me he would call back I was on another phone call so he literally called like 5 times then when we finally talked he said his truck broke and he would call me back...he didnt i got a text the next morning saying he was going to mexico and he would text me when he got back well I started to freak out once wednesday rolled around so I went to ask one of his friends and saw this other girls profile saying she was in a relationship with him. He called me literally 5 minutes after and I tried to play it cool but I had to ask him. At first he said he didnt know who she was then he admitted he was in a relationship but was only using her LAPD connections and was going to dump her soon. Then he told me he had to go to mexico for a couple months to have his mom sign some land over so we would need to go on a break but he would be able to skype there and I could visit him and he would be back so I could be there for his birthday and then we could move to san diego. He called me non stop the next 3 days up to his "departure" and he promised he would email me once he got there. A week went by and I heard nothing so I texted his mom and asked if she had heard from him and made it safe. He emailed me and said I am sorry but I told you if you ever contacted my mom about where I am it would make me mad and you that so I am sorry but we are done... His IP address was not from mexico. So I got ahold of the other girl needless to say I found out she was in his bed up till 4am on the 4th and he didnt go to mexico for his birthday that was the weekend he introduced her to his parents. She broke up with him but now texted me shes getting back together with him and now is posting all kinds of pictures of them together so he basically chose her. Does the no contact thing work if hes busy with this other girl?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 March 2013):
 Thanks for the follow ups OP, it’s always good to get more answers.
You ask “why even after I TRIED to break up with him did he try so hard to keep it going”
Again I submit… why not… it was his ego that needed stroking… you were 3 hours away and he could keep you going so you would want him and stroke his ego… you were a notch on his belt… it made him feel better about lying and cheating if he said “but we are still together”
His actions are NOT about YOU… it’s NOT personal… it’s all about how what he does makes HIM feel.
I can text without effort… texting you , emailing you, calling you… all fairly effort free behaviors.
And yes it’s hard to get used to NOT being a couple when you’ve been one for a while… even if it was LDR…. It will take you time to move on… but move on you must.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo he cheated on me I have been his girlfriend for over a year he just met her in july but still kept me around. I guess I have been holding on to us being together for so long its weird to think that suddenly its over that our plans are suddenly to not move in together anymore
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk but if he was never mine why even after I tried to break up with him did he try so hard to keep it going with me and told me he would be better. He had chances to just get out scott free. And even afte he got caught he was still talking about a future with us... why even bother with all that if I didnt mean something to him. While he was at her LAPD graduation he was texting me and right after her birthday party he made sure to get ahold of me right away why put in all that effort if I didnt mean anything to him
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (21 March 2013):
Ok - so this guy cheated on his gf with you, you told her, and he went back with her.
Why again do you want to be with this guy?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 March 2013):
OK what I see so far:
It’s LDR.
He said the L word… and gives you promises of fidelity and living together within a year (if that’s not dangling a carrot in front of you I don’t know what is)
He canceled plans for a special day (his birthday) at the last minute but gives you the next carrot (HE decided you were his future wife NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENED) Honey this alone should have shot that giant RED FLAG up the flagpole for you. 1. He did not ASK you to get married.. HE TOLD YOU he was going to marry you (like you had no say in the matter) and then he adds the “no matter what” clause… so it’s this ‘I’m going to marry YOU because I SAID SO and that means even if I screw around on you I’m promising to marry you so it’s ok)
That was July… you say you could not see each other but have been talking and skyping from July to February. So no face to face contact for SEVEN MONTHS when you are over 18 and only a 3 hour drive apart??? WAVE that flag honey…. That big huge RED FLAG…. Cause if you are adults and you are LDR and you can make a drive for a weekend and DON’T make the effort, then it says that the LDR is not all that important. This goes for the person driving or the person having the guest.
I used to drive 2 hours each way to see my then boyfriend EVERY weekend and sometimes MIDWEEK as well. My poor car got more mileage in one year of LDR than it had in the prior two years of full ownership.
For Valentines day he sent a TEXT… you do know he probably texted all the girls in his phone right?
Then you see that he’s in a relationship with another girl…. And he calls you and tries to make it right and lies to you about why he was with her… and that he was going to dump her and you wanted to believe him right?
But before that he’s going to Mexico so you have to “take a break” WTF? A break from an LDR because he has to be away? So what would change if you would still skype? NOTHING.
So you contacted his mom…. And that’s when he blew up… seriously… he said if you contacted his mom he would end it… guess what… he never went to mexico sweetie. HE’s a liar.
And you ask: “does the no contact thing work if he’s with another girl?” I know what you are asking… sometimes in relationships where it’s gone stale and you are trying to get the other person to realize they are taking you for granted and that they need to do some of the work in the relationship you let them do the rowing of the boat by going no contact and letting them make all the moves.
The truth is that you are confusing NO CONTACT for emotional healing with trying to get an uneven relationship back on even footing.
IN your case, going NO CONTACT is good for you to get over this guy but NO it won’t work to bring him back to you. You can’t go no contact with a man who does not want to be with you and expect him to change his mind.
He’s DONE with you. YOU can’t get him back no matter what you do. The problem is you NEVER HAD HIM.
Now I’m reading your follow ups and I can say this:
Yes it was a real relationship in the beginning when you were together… once you were apart it was over and you just kept holding on hoping it would work. Some folks (like him obviously) are NOT cut out for LDRs.
You ask “why string me along when all he has with me in an emotional connection?”
He did not have an emotional connection with you… YOU have one with him. HE just strung you along because you wore your rose colored glasses and didn’t look at his behavior and only heard what you wanted to hear from him. He strung you along because you allowed him to use you to stroke his ego… “look at how badly I can treat this girl. She’s so hot for me I can bald face lie to her and she believes me and wants me… wow I’m superman!”
This time he hasn’t tried to get you back because he’s DONE with you. He had his fun and games and he played you for as long as it entertained him… now he’s wanting to commit to this other girl and no longer cares to keep you dangling in the background in case it does not work out with her… he’s made his commitment choice to her and you are no longer needed so he’s done with you. (I know that hurts but you need to see it how he sees it)
I think that for some the issue of location is important but in this case, I think if you are both in the same town she’s gonna “win” (not that he’s such a prize).
Sadly I think your dad is giving you false hope. I think maybe your dad told you to just disappear in hopes that eventually you will get over him by not contacting him. I do not think in this case he will get in touch with you if you disappear.
Follow up number two seems to imply that because you were FIRST you will triumph. NOT true OP. He is with her. You trying to get him back will make you look desperate and foolish. Just because he was with you first does not mean you get him. He wants her more than you or else he would be with you. HIS ACTIONS tell you exactly how he feels. You are not listening.
I think you could go NO CONTACT for SIX MONTHS and not get him back… You are confused and think you have a chance because he told you want you wanted/needed to hear him say.
How can we help you accept it’s over and done and he lied and played you. How can I get you to see that you need to go NO CONTACT to heal and move on rather than get him back. YOU can’t get him back… he’s not yours to get..
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 March 2013):
 Why are you so desperate to be with this man?
He lies and he cheats and when you call him on it he wants no contact....
Remove him from your life, de-friend him, block him and his cell number, remove him from Skype and move on.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (21 March 2013):
 you really need to stop worrying about how to get him back. just stop focusing on that and focus on moving on. think about this from an outsiders perspective, not one who is emotionally invested and can't see the big picture.
he lied to you. over and over and over and over. he's a cheat and a sack of crap. he kept you in the picture because you were a back up. not because he secretly loved you or wanted to be with you. nobody who loves someone lies and tells them they are in mexico and disappears to shack up with another girl for days on end while leaving you in the dark, worried. and then makes you feel bad for contacting him mom out of concern. and no guy who loves you kicks a girl out of his bed right before you get there.
if i could honestly jump inside your mind for ten minutes just to see what it is you're attracted to in this guy, i'd be fascinated. what the fuck does he offer you that you can't seem to get enough of? besides punishment.
he's not your best friend. he's not even a friend. no one who is remotely a friend would lie to you, hurt you and deceive you like this guy has. i think it's time you really woke up and saw this for what it is. leave him be and move on. he's a douchebag. he doesn't want your forgiveness nor to be with you. he's made his decision. let him be with his new victim.
i'm sorry if this is harsh, but sometimes we need a big dose of reality. i appreciate it from my friends when i'm missing the forest from the trees. so i'm giving it to you. don't be mad at me so you wind up missing the whole point. just realize what i'm saying is true so you can use it to knock some sense into yourself. MOVE ON. you're way better off without him. stop trying to think of ways to lure him back in.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd they say the no contact rule for about a month is the only way to get a guy back because when you beg and plead you just look desperate so the no contact rule gives them a chance to miss me..... but why still talk about a future and everything else once he got caught is what confuses me even more
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@iamheretohelpyou I was the original girl we were together a year and a few months she changed her facebook status to in a relationship oct 16 2013 so only 5 months for them
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell it was an actual relationship in the beginning he didnt start seeing this girl until july but I guess my biggest question is why string me along when all he has with me is an emotional connection. That is alot of work for guys so if he was not into it why not just dump me and never get caught. He had so many chances where I tried to break up but he begged for me to come back and said he would be better. but this time he hasnt tried to get back because hes obviously having a great time... the hardest part is he was my best friend weve talked every day for the past year he was even texting me while he was at her graduation. I have been holding onto this idea that were going to be together soon the hardest part was almost over so it so hard for me to accept that its suddenly done. We have gotten through alot of things and I have expressed I am willing to forgive which is a mistake i realize now. Did he only choose her because she was actually in his town... PS I am moving down there in september and he knows that. My dad says if I just kind of disappear for a while he will eventually get in contact with me because it is my character to get in touch with him but if I dont he will eventually think about me. I mean she told me shes now going to be keeping very close tabs on him so 1 he may not get in touch because shell be watching him or 2 not guy wants to constantly be badgered about what they are doing. I know its wrong but I really just think hes lost and want to try and get him back
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (21 March 2013):
wow so this guy sounds like just about every single sorry ex i've ever had.
he's a piece of shit. he played you both and deserves neither of you. but if this girl wants to be with a shit head, she can have him. let her have him. he'll just do the same thing to her again.
i'm sorry this happened to you. i know how it feels. it's shocking and upsetting. and it ruins your trust in others.
just move on and don't look back. i know it won't be easy but you're so much better off without this douchebag. good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): "Does the no contact thing work if hes busy with this other girl?"
What no contact thing are you referring to OP I only the know it's the best of completely removing someone from your heart. What are you talking about?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): That was a long post...Instead of asking "does the no contact thing works if he's busy with another girl?" have you ever wondered about your dignity in this situation?
You are chasing what appears to be a compulsive liar and cheater, and I have to ask why you feel compelled to waste your time with a person who treats you this way?
Anyone here could offer you advice about how the no contact thing works in a situation, but I think a better question is why you still care about a man who obviously has no respect for you?
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