A
female
age
36-40,
*ebbyfebby
writes:i'm 25, about 5 months ago i met a man he's 43 and live in singapore, we got close after we met, at that time i still have a boyfriend (26) that already 3 years together,my relationship with my bf also a little bit uneasy because i dont like the way he always going out with girls, phoning and give flirtatious messages to them. even when he told me that he's not doing sexual or even holding hands. at first i just want to have fun with this guy because im still thinking of married with my bf in 2 years from now( we already talked about this) then he came with every sweetness he have, he call me everyday more than 10 times a day, message me lots, even when he have time in weekend ( he's very busy bussinessman) he will fly down from singapore to my country just for having dinner with me and my family. my family likes him, adore him much, he know how to melt all my family members heart especially my mom, only my father thinks he's too old, im afraid they wont let me out with this guy if they knew he only live separated and not divorced yet so i told them he's divorced. they didnt seem have any objection with that.he confessed from the first time we met that he have been separated for 8 years, the marriage was a hell for him, after they have a kid 8 years ago they never sleep together anymore, split rooms, no sex at all,never did romantic things or even actions. the relationship become a bussiness relation, they only good as a friend but there's no love and passion sparks anymore he said. he told me also that his wife is very high temperamental and do bad things to aunt that raised him like never want to open the door to the aunt when came, etc. he was adopted from his family by his aunt because his family dont want any other kid.so he loved his aunt so much.the wife is 2 years older than him and they we're co-workers before they married. they live together 2 years before decide to married. i asked him whether he fell in love with his wife at that time he said i think yes, he take care of me well. it was the wife that ask him to move to her place at first before they have relation just because she feel pity that he had to drove from malaysia to singapore everyday.so he lived there and they become roomates and taking care each other and then become couple and decide married.he said he didnt know why suddenly after the baby born the wife dont want to be with him anymore. they even didnt have sex since that. he remembered that once he ever told the wife that he was seeing another girl before they get married, not a serious one but he confessed that after they married, and at that time the wife only silent, long time after that they have baby, and after a while he realized that his wife dont want to be intimate with him anymore longer. he didnt know why and keep questioning is it because of the confession?i questioned the truth of the stories he told, but last december, he went to australia to see his kid. his wife already there for 3 years he didnt have problems to call me in front of his wife, even webcams when she's next beside and keep talking sweet things to me . even the kid can saw me on the cam and he even proud to show him. i can see all of the view, hear them talking, and it continuous until he got back to singapore. he really sleep alone, he even keep the webcam on and the wife seems okay, and then he told me that his wife knew about me because last time visit singapore her wife's friend saw us holding hands and told her and even her uncle saw us and told her, she seems fine. she even asked him how's your other family you got, i dont have any objection you have another one. thats amazed me. i started to believe him more and really thinks he will left her.at that time, he keep telling me that he will leave her, the only reason he still with her is because of their kid that still 8 years, he feel miserable to leave him, i told him its just the same because until now he and his wife already living separated. what's the different, but he told me it's different. i still having my relationship with my bf at that time, he became jealous and asked me to be with him and marry him. it took a long time to make decision that i choose him over my bf because i think he's different. i think he's telling the truth, really want to be with me and not lying like my bf. i decided to give a shot to know him and think of marry him.but after a while im having this relation, my fear of he's leaving me become bigger and bigger, until we had argument about this, and make he called his wife ask for divorce to make me sure of him that he is serious and told her that he got another woman that he want to be with. i was shocked, i touched and i decided to be patient. his wife was furious, she told him that even though she never want to be with him anymore , she make sure that she will make it hard because she doesnt want him happy and she make sure that the other woman cannot get him. he's devastated. she said she will flying to singapore to discuss this.now she already in singapore for 1 week, the visit should be over in 1 month, but he's very busy with his bussiness now, always come late because so many demands and he's tired and sick. he said to me that he had no chances to talk with her, but i feel something changed, like he was afraid of asking her that divorce thing. i really stressed out, at valentine's yesterday, he's asking me what if we cant be together. i feel his fear suddenly came, he's afraid of his wife, he's a very sensitive guy, can cry when he feel very depressed and emotionally weak. he's soft and dont want to hurt other people, he's afraid he's hurting his son feelings by telling the divorce and hurting the in laws that good to him and also hurting the wife and the sister's wife that nice to him. because the wife came with the families and son. she knew every weakness that he got is his son.he said he already living alone for 3 years and fine, he's ok for living alone again if not be with me. he also said that the main reason he's not sure is because he just know me 5 months. i feel hurt,he chased me like dog before and now he said he's not know me much to make all the sacrifices and hurting a lot of people, he want to know me better first before he decided to make a big leap. i really want to trust him. i told him ok, no need to talk with his wife about divorce, but actually i want to told him he should talk about their relationship and honest that there is me now. i want to suggest that. do you think i should do that? you think i should continue with him and patient and trust him, i know he's really serious but he's afraid of make things wrong. im so sad now. please help me. what should i told him? what should i do?
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co-worker, depressed, divorce, fell in love, flirt, jealous, spark Reply to this Question
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (17 February 2009):
 Tell him to look you up once the ink is dried on his divorce papers. Otherwise you are just spitting in the wind with this guy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009): I couldn't read through your whole long question, but I can tell you that this same story has happened a million times before. Don't date married men, they are using you. Don't date men who have cheated on their partners, they will cheat on you. If his marriage is useless and over, then it shouldn't be any problem for him to get a divorce. Simple as that.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (17 February 2009):
 "i know he's really serious"
As serious as when he made his wedding vows to his current wive?
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