A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and this guy have been dating monogamously for about 2 years. He proposed may of this year. I am 24 he is 42. I have two children and never married, he has no children and married once. We have a great relationship other than a little struggle on the trust issue part. No he has never cheated on me or even came close to it, this is a whole other story (porn)... So things have been going good up until a couple weeks ago. He watches my kids for me while I work and use to be ok with it but now he makes it seem like its a burden. He acts like he has them EVERY single day. And complains about how busy hes been and how he just needs to rest, he just needs a break on and on.... I wonder how hes going to be when we have a baby of our own (which we are planning to do as soon as we get married which is about 6 months) Now he complains when I ask him if he can keep and eye on them to go to the gym or something.EVENTHOUGH the kids are sleeping when I go. And when it comes to the partying, hes not much of a partyer but he is in a band and is in the habit or has a routine down with drining after work. This use to be an issue but he swore to me he would stop drinking like he has been. That he actually wanted to quit all together. He did good for a couple of weeks but gradually started drinking again.So the other night I asked him, please dont drink just this once. He said he wouldnt, and when he showed up home I could smell the alcohol on this breath. I got so upset.I asked him "Did you just tell me what I wanted to hear when you proposed in hopes it would better the chances me accepting??" But he swears he meant every word he ever said..I know he loves me. He is really good to me and my children, but im afraid maybe hes not ready for a family or marriage....im lost.
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female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (2 August 2009):
I think your gut instinct is telling you something very important. Its telling you this relationship isnt right. You should listen to it. I think you know that its right, but part of your doesnt want to accept or believe it because you love your partner. I can understand that. But you really do need to start thinking more logically, rather then with your heart. It takes more then love to make a relationship work.
He has already broken promises to stop drinking. Thats a very bad sign. Overcoming a drinking problem is a long and often repetitive process as often people who try to give up have many set backs and quite often they dont make it through. Is this something you are willing to go throug hand put your kids and future kids through? They shoudlnt have to go thru this, neither should u.
You didnt go into detail about the porn issue so i cant comment on that.
As for him looking after your kids. This is a bad sign too. I cant predict how he will be with a kid that you two may share in the future, but either he will be the same or he might be more better as it will be 'his kid'. Either way, you should be with a guy who loves your kids like they are his own!!!
I think your partner likes to tell you what you need to hear and puts on an act quite often, just to make you stay, then when he thinks hes safe, he will go back to his usual self. Dont fall for his tricks and manipulations. Hes not going to change. He has showed no sign of it, he has only given you false hope.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2009): That's quite an age gap, and although things are fine and dandy (ish) at the moment as far as that goes, try to look ahead a few years and imagine how things will be then.
I don't think it's so much a case of him not being ready for a family as being rather too old for one. I've always said it takes a very special man to bring up another man's children as his own, and your situation kind of bears that out to a degree. It seems to me that he see's the kids as an embuggerance that stops him doing other things, be it going for a drink or shooting pool or whatever.
To be absolutely honest with you, the future doesn't sound too good to me. A drink problem doesn't go away easily. Don't rush into anything and certainly don't go getting yourself pregnant. Not until you're absolutely certain this is going to work. I hope it does for your sake, but I wouldn't put money on it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2009): No he would never hit me or the kids. He is a really loving caring guy. Just has some bad habits or "routines"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2009): I say have a long engagement and see what happens. You need to give yourself time. If his drinking increases, if you fight more often, if you see him hitting the kids, then leave. If you have any doubts, don't get married. Stretch out the engagement until you're completely positive if you're walking out or tying the knot.
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