A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ive been with my boyfriend for 9 months already and I love him with all my heart. But lately Ive been feeling really unhappy every time we go out or he goes out he HAS to drink. He gets really stupid when he does and I don't like it. He doesn't ever get fully drunk but I still cant control myself when he starts acting stupid. I tried talking to him about it but all he says is: "I have nothing to say." or "I can't promise you Im going to stop drinking." The fuc*ed up thing is that he says that alcohol is poison and all that stuff and that its bad. But he still can't go out and have fun without drinking. Which is not hard at all cause me myself don't drink, although he's always trying to buy me drinks so I drink with him. I honestly think is that his male ego is too big and he cant handle his friends asking him why isn't he drinking and he having to tell them cause my girlfriend doesn't want me to. Although he could just say he doesn't want to. I tried telling him that if he didn't exceed 3 beers I would be fine. But he can't just drink 3 he has to drink 5,6.... My question would then be: What should I do? Am I overreacting? Is there a way to reach a agreement between us so were both happy? This could be a relationship breaker and I don't want to see alcohol ruined it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFor all of you who answered this question I want to say thank you. I talked to my boyfriend about the situation and apparently there were a lot of other things going on than just alcohol. It was a long day yesterday and lots of tears came down but he opened up to me ad told me how he felt and how confused he was. But I want to thank Cerberus for giving me that advice of how handling stuff like this and now I know what I have to do to make things as easy as possible.
Although my boyfriend was really down because he was saying that he's messed up, that he told himself that I was what he wanted, that he sometimes feels it would be easier to be single but at the same time he doesn't want to lose me.
I got the point that he's not ready for a serious relationship, which I thought he would cause of his age(21+) but I just have to stop pressuring him and understand how he feels. It may sound stupid but I love him and I'm willing to let him grow as a man till he's ready. I don't want to pressure him cause that would just end it.
For those of you who take your time to read about my problem let me know if it's ridiculous how I'm thinking or if it makes sense.
Thank you
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): This is just a classic conflict of interest. I understand what it's like to have a boyfriend who can't go out and not drink, although mine is a full blown alcohlic (recovering now), so trust me it could be worse.Love is that you have to sacrifice things to find compromise...but you both have to meet in the middle. Does he say he thinks alcohol is poison to make you happy? Some guys in the beginning will say anything to get the girl hooked, and maybe now he's caught up in a lie. I'm not saying that's the truth though - just asking you to reflect. He shouldn't drink because of "peer pressure" if he really doesn't want to....and if he only drinks 5 or 6 beers a night, it sounds like he isn't too interested in it. Most guys who enjoy drinking will have more than that at least once in a while.I think you need to talk to him about his true feelings on alcohol....and whether he's trying to please his friends when he doesn't like alcohol, or whether he's trying to please you but he truly wants to drink. It's important to stay strong and true to yourself, and stress that to him, even if you end up finding out something you don't want to hear. And if that is what happens, that's where the sacrifice comes in. He shouldn't give up alcohol if he truly likes it, but if he loves you he can sacrifice it once in a while to give you a good time. Just make sure you let him have his good time too.I hope this helps...conflicting interests are sooo hard in relationships. I wish you the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): But you do go out and stay sober sometimes too. Look if you're making arrangements to go out, or meet up when you go out, do you state beforehand that you wanna do it sober?
Have you been out together while drunk and had a good time, or does this happen every single time you go out and he's drunk?
You're original question was vague on those details so forgive me for seeing it as controlling.
If this was just a couple of times then he can be forgiven, in my mind, if this is becoming a habit for him then you'll have to come to some sort of compromise. You know very well that being an idiot while drunk happens but if he's doing it all the time while you're around then he's being inconsiderate and will have to change that.
If he's hurting you and creating tension regularly then he has to stop or you will have to get serious with him. He can go out and get drunk with his friends fine, but when you're going out with him he should have some consideration and only drink moderately if at all. It's that simple.
If this has just happened a couple of times and other times things are fine, then I'd just let it blow over, but tell him to watch how he acts that you're not going to put up with it and apologies don't mean anything if he continues to do so.
See what happens, but if he won't compromise then you'll have to reconsider your position and whether it's actually worth keeping trying.
As boring and crap a night I have when I'm sober, I don't mind doing it if that's the kind of night my girlfriend wants have. Thankfully though she likes to get blasted drunk just like me and spend the night laughing at stupid stuff. She would never try to impose any kind of limit on what I do in anything unless it was reasonable to do so or unhealthy. We've had disagreements about things sure, but when it comes down to it we will only ever guide each other, never boss or make demands.
Compromise is always possible because both of us are willing to both change our attitudes or behaviours in all matters that are important, both of us. Neither of us would ever expect the other to completely bow to our position we'll always find a middle ground.
Now if I was in your boyfriends shoes and she in yours and felt that way, she simply wouldn't come out if I ended up drunk when I said I'd be sober and this kept happening. She'd find something else to do and she'd simply start making other plans with her friends instead of me. She wouldn't get pissed or openly start acting different or get into arguments with me about it, she'd just do other things. I love going out with her and I'd miss that immensely, so if it came to it I'd spend all day in a pub sober just to show her that I would for her.
She wouldn't demand that I stop, she'd just make it clear that she's not going to be around when I do, so I would make sure that I didn't because I need my time out with her.
It hasn't happened yet though, thankfully but she uses this technique for everything, she doesn't need to tell me what to do she just shows me she doesn't like it, what the consequences will be if I keep that thing up and I will always make the right choice. For example I used to be quite lazy about laundry and left it just lying around for her to pick up and put it on. After a few weeks she was getting sick of doing that, so instead of giving out to me or confronting me about it, she just stopped picking up my stuff. After about a week I went down to find no clean underwear or socks so I had to put on a wash and go out to college in dirty clothes. I had to wait until they were clean and dry before I could get changed. We didn't fight over it, she didn't try and tell me what I should do, she just let me see that if I didn't do these things of my own volition they wouldn't get done as she's not may slave.
Maybe the same kind of thing would work for you, it's a lot easier to make someone see your point of you if you let them see there's consequences to their actions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCerberus: I'm not trying to be controlling here. I don't care if when he goes out with his buddies he drinks; as long as I'm not there, and I'm not meeting with him later on. I'm talking about when WE go out, I'd rather he not drink cause he make me have a bad time. We have gone out a few times without drinking and we'd had lots of fun; I'm a dancer so he has nothing to worry about when it comes to that. (HES NOT GOING TO GET BORED WHEN I'M AROUND). But I just hate it when we are going to meet up and he already drunk or tipsy. As it happened not so long ago. Then I was trying to go have fun somewhere and because he wasn't thinking straight because of the alcohol he was just complaining and just making me angry. I just ended up not having fun at all. So again Cerberus, I'm not trying to be controlling here I just don't want to have to go through that again. And he knows it's wrong and he apologizes but he apparently doesn't seem to do anything about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): I can't go out and not drink either. It's not due to pressure from friends or anything, it's just absolutely and completely boring to go out to a bar or club and not drink.
I've done it a few times and I just might aswell not have gone out at all. Really it's just horrible, I will sit there and watch people having a great time, while I sit there bored unable to talk to anyone because they're drunk, doing nothing, just waiting for the night to end.
You have to expand what you mean by acting stupid and how frequently this occurs. If he's not being aggressive towards you or being an asshole when drunk, and if he only does it once or twice a week. Then there really isn't a problem in my book. If this is the case then I think you have allow him the freedom to let loose because otherwise it's just you imposing your beliefs on him.
We all act stupid when we're drunk, that's why we get drunk so we can act the fool and have fun doing things we wouldn't when sober. If he's not shouting at you, getting into fights, kissing other girls or trashing the place when he's drunk, then the only problem is how you perceive it.
"I honestly think is that his male ego is too big and he cant handle his friends asking him why isn't he drinking and he having to tell them cause my girlfriend doesn't want me to" are you serious? I mean really? Of course he's not going to go around tell his friends he can't have fun because his girlfriend doesn't want him to. Are you going to start dressing him too? Telling him who he is and isn't allowed to talk to? What he is and isn't allowed to eat? How many hours he can sleep?
That sentence right there makes you sound very controlling, and if I'm honest I think your problem is more that he won't do what you tell him than it is about the drinking. You don't like drinking that much and you don't like getting drunk so you want him to be the same, because you want it, not because he's bad or it's harming him. Simply because you don't like drinking the same way he does.
If he's not an abusive drunk, if he's just a normal guy that says and does stupid things when drunk, but doesn't hurt anyone. If he's a good person, then you'll allow him this. You'll respect that he likes to do this, to let loose with his buddies and you won't try and impose you're own set of rules on him.
I mean come on, you're trying to impose a limit on what he drinks to suit you, "you're only allowed 3 honey, or I'm going to break up with you" Seriously that's what you're implying in your post.
You're actually considering breaking up with him over this, well perhaps you should. Perhaps you should go off and find a teetotaler or something. Or other guy that will gladly change how he behaves with his friends to suit you (good luck with that)
Please don't take offence that's not my intention but if you want to compromise then try easing your attitude a little. You're very worked up about this and very worked up that he doesn't want to do what you tell him. That's what will ruin the relationship if you want my honest opinion.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 November 2010):
 Hi, you've seen some red flags already in his behavior. He says it's poison but drinks anyway, and doesn't limit to one or even two social drinks. He drinks a six pack of beer. This is problem drinking. I know lots of people do it when they are young but the problem is that they have lost control of it already, and so young.
This kind of drinking leads to poor choices, in terms of drinking and driving, or drinking and having unsafe sex (not that he's a cheater, but...) because their judgment isn't there due to the alcohol.
I had a friend who did what your boyfriend does. She's dead now, died of an alcohol-related issue 4 years ago. She spent that last 20 years of her life in poor health and refused to get help for the alcohol problem, despite several intervention attempts by her family. I'm not saying that your boyfriend is that far gone but I'll tell you that you do NOT want to tie yourself to a guy who has this problem. You cannot fix it for him, you cannot change his mind, you cannot babysit him when he's drunk.
I agree with you that it is a relationship breaker and you shouldn't feel guilty for feeling this way. This is a life or death issue, not to be overly dramatic but he could kill someone if he drives and he's on the way to killing himself. Personally, I would advise you to break up with him and tell him the reason is the drinking. It's a problem, it's not 'social' drinking, he's lost control, despite what he may think or say.
Sorry your guy can't see the problem yet. Maybe he will if he gets this as a wake up call. You might try going to an Al-Anon meeting for people who love an alcoholic, as I did. Quite eye-opening and it reinforces the fact there's not a whole hell of a lot you can do until he acknowledges it's a problem.
Good luck.
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female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (2 November 2010):
 Someone I love dearly drinks and uses drugs daily. I hate it but have came to realize that I cannot control what they do. This will not get better, so you must decide if it is something you are prepared fo deal with.
Some people feel as if they need things to help them relax or be able to handle certain situations. They become dependent on them and it becomes a way of life.
My beloved friend of thirty years uses alchohol daily. Mostly he does ok with it, but there are frequent binges when he is out playing music with his buddies. He is basically shy and it gives him courage. I hate it but I cannot control it for him. Hopefully your bf will stop before the years take a toll on him, but if he wont do it for you now... Then I doubt he will stop.
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male
reader, Nice_Guy_451 +, writes (2 November 2010):
Honestly, in my opinion you're not overreacting. Others may see it differently. But the facts are that he drinks, you feel unhappy about it, and he doesn't seem to try to change even a little. He says he knows its bad but still drinks. You tried talking to him but he doesn't seem to listen. He even tries to get you to drink when you don't want to. And good for you for staying strong in not drinking.
Normally I would say try to talk to him, but that route didn't work. So it would be hard to reach an agreement when he won't listen.
Maybe if you showed him how serious this was, how bad you feel about it. Maybe he'll see he might lose you and start listening.
I can't think of solid advice here since this could end the relationship. I don't want to steer you wrong. But the fact that this could end it says a lot. Shows how bad this is. Alcohol ruining it is bad, but so is a boyfriend that drinks a lot and doesn't listen.
Good luck with him and I hope things go well for you, whatever may happen.
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