A
female
age
41-50,
*onfused/hurt
writes:Why does my husband like porn more than me? He can't even get it up with me any more. He is not able to finish with me any more either. Is the real thing not better any more? How do I get him to want me instead of it. Every time I tell him he has a problem with it he just gets mad at me. He says that he loves me but if he does why can he finish or get hard for me. I have walked in on him watching it and he can get hard for it and finish to it. He even goes in and watches it after trying with me.
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male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (9 October 2008):
 Oh yes, with regard to anonymous below, a hand is no competition for a vagina ever, in any way. A hand is functional, a vagina divine. The problem is not that a hand does it better than a vagina, it's the emotional, imaginative, and habitual aspects that cause the problem.
Porn has its good points -- you can have lots of variety, there's no pressure to perform, it can cater to fantasies that many prim ladies are not keen on delivering, you don't have to reassure the porn star that you love her and would never ever look at any other porn star than her, it hides physical blemishes and delivers beautiful bodies.
But NOTHING can replace the intimate touch of a real woman. It's when a man finds the flickering screen more attractive than a flesh-and-blood woman that the problems begin.
A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (9 October 2008):
From this forum I can understand that porn can be a problem (sometimes a big problem) in relationships, especially if it interferes with the sexual relationship, i.e., the man would rather watch porn than have sex.
What I wrote earlier was based on the thinking that focussing too heavily on the porn aspect may be counterproductive. It will raise hackles, cause stress, and divert energy away from addressing other issues. Try and find a way to show him how good sex with a woman can be, not how you can shut down his porn habit.
But as I said, if this doesn't work you'll have to think again. It's quite possible that porn addiction really is at the root of the issue, in which case you'll have to confront it head on. But for the moment, I think you should try a gentler approach.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): When oh when are men going to realise that watching too much porn and playing with themselves is going to break their part, because that is exactly what happens,they get so used to feel of their hand that eventually a vagina just does not do it for them, not tight enough, as if a vagina could ever compete with a hand. It is not you, nor anything you have done or not done, he has gotten into this fantasyland and if he wants a cat in hell's chance of a normal sex life with a real woman then he had better get out of it and quick too, even if that means counselling but he has to want to change. I was in exactly the same situation as you a year ago, my husband found it near on impossible to have sex with me, but no probs with the porn, I am sorry but I had to put my foot down and said no more porn if you want your marriage to continue. It has been an uphill struggle but at least now he can manage to have sex with me. Porn does destroy sex lives and it blows my mind when people say there is nothing wrong with it.
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (7 October 2008):
Forgot to mention: Don't see porn as the adversary. If you see porn as your rival, you'll only set yourself up for stress and disappointment. The problem is his inability to have a satisfying sexual relationship with you, not necessarily his relationship with porn. Encourage him to love porn and love you, too. Let him have his cake and eat it too! Don't try and grab bigger share of the pie -- make the pie bigger! That way you'll both be happier.
Post again in a month or two and let us know how it's going. If there's no improvement, we may need to think again. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (7 October 2008):
It does sound like you have a problem. But I can tell you, the more expectations you have of him, and the more you push him to perform, the harder he will find it. There is nothing worse than not being able to get a hard-on when your girlfriend is demanding one. The more pressure he feels, the harder it gets. With porn, there is no one demanding anything. He only has to please himself.
I think you may need to work on your sexual relationship. Don't be too pushy or demanding. Try to explore different ways of turning each other on, not just intercourse. What kinds of thing turn him on? What parts of his body does he like being touched? Have you tried everywhere? Nipples, armpits, anus, earlobes... Does he like to watch you masturbate -- without intercourse afterwards? Does he like to be kissed all over? A nice hot, wet mouth can feel great, even if you don't have an erection.
There are women out there who have difficulty reaching a climax. How would such a woman feel if she knew that every caress, every move, every action, was geared with the expectation of somehow getting her to orgasm? The unspoken pressure would be enough to turn anyone off. Enjoy the journey, not the destination.
I think my point is that you need to reconnect sensually, without the pressure to have an erection or to finish. And don't expect instantaneous results. Don't set a goal of 'getting him to finish by the fifth session', or 'well, he's managed to maintain an erection this time, now we can move on to even higher expectations'. Just enjoy it for what it is. Try it and see how it goes.
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A
male
reader, xlp101 +, writes (7 October 2008):
Help! I also seem to notice this problem with me. With porn I get it up HARD for a while no problem at all. I find it EXTREMELY difficult to masturbate to my imagination. Also around my gf I have on and off erections that feels different from when I watch porn.
This is a serious problem, does anyone have a solution to this? I believe is purely psychological but don't know how this can be resolved.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2008): Umm, how old roughly is he? If I assume he is aprox your age, then I think the guy has a very serious problem if he can't get it going for his own partner. I'm in my mid 50's and have yet to have a problem along those lines with my wife.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2008): porn takes away all the mystery and excitement and leaves them looking for more, and looking for something new. porn causes the man to get bored, and he may even result in violent or totally unexpected actions. npsupport.net is wonderful!! i have my own journal there because I am the girlfriend of an addict. it's really hard to deal with and so hard to accept. it won't get better unless HE wants to do something about it. he has to take the first step. i highly recommend npsupport, as it gives so many different perspectives from addicts themselves. they even give great advice on how to deal with your partner's addiction, and how to talk with your man and his addiction. i wish you the best of luck--i know this is frustrating and very hurtful, but with time and lots of research, both of you can beat this
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2008): sorry to say...it sounds like he has an addiction. This inability to perform has nothing to do with you, that is the hardest part to wrap our minds around. If you go to npsupport.net you will find much information on this affliction. Good luck, you need it!
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