A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I have been with my husband for seven years I work(taxes) four months outside the home and the rest of the year I am a stay at home mom. I like this schedule because my kids are young teens and I am here for them when they are home and I also take care of everything at home. I take care of the house and all the daily chores by myself even when I am working the four months.. I also never complain about it. I am thankful for my situation except that whenever my husband and I get into arguments he makes me feel worthless. Tells me I can do whatever I want all day long while he is at work like I am sitting around watching TV all day and Magically everything around the house gets taken care of.. I have a feeling he is taking me for granted. I feel like no matter what I do it is never good enough for him. I really believe I could work full time in and out of the house and he would still find ways to make me feel like I am not doing enough. I am so frustrated and tired of feeling like this. I talk to him about it and he defends himself and gets angry he cannot take any criticism but dishes it out very well.. How do I make him see this without fighting about it? I am tired!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2013): This is why I am not a fan of traditional gender role marriages where the man is the breadwinner and the woman is stay at home. Each spouse lives in their own world that is totally different from the other and therefore it is easy to have little to no empathy for the other person since you both have totally different roles and pressures you cannot appreciate or even fathom what the other person goes through.Many men resent that their wives stay home because now they (the man) has to spend more time at work because of being the sole breadwinner. The wife gets to be there with the kids while the husband has to sacrifice his own time with the kids. The husband may feel like the wife treats him as an ATM machine while she gets to avoid the stress of dealing with bosses and customers and clients. The wife may feel that the husband doesn't respect her for doing house chores and maybe he really doesn't because to him doing house chores is a nuisance he doesn't want to do himself but nevertheless doesn't think it is all that hard to do. He basically sees you as a maid because you are doing the duties of a maid I.e. doing all the house chores so he doesn't have to. And in return he gives you the money you need, from his job which requires more skill than doing house chores. That is the definition of a maid isn't it?I suggest you get a full time job. Your kids are old enough that they don't need you to be home all the time. Then once you have a full time job you have the right to ask your husband to do housework too since now both of you spend equal time outside the house so you won't have time to do everything at home anymore. Then also he cannot feel superior in giving you money since you are also bringing in money. So now if both you and your husband work full time and do house chores it is easier to make the case that both of you are equal.If that doesn't work...then..I recommend that you divorce him. Lack of respect is not something that can be fixed and its clear that your husband simply doesn't respect you and doesn't hesitate to show it. This relationship is toxic. Do not waste time trying to fix it because you cannot change another person's attitude and basic mindset.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): Great advice, WiseOwlE! I hope you're around when I ask a question about my relationship.
Good luck to you OP! Listen to WiseOwlE!
- Woman with the sh**** boyfriend
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): Ugh, my boyfriend is like this and I hate it! He has the most defensive personality I've ever seen...I have to walk on eggshells...meanwhile he can say anything to try to make me feel like a piece of crap.I think counseling would be a good idea - though if your hubby is as bad as my sh*** boyfriend, he'll say the therapist will side with you, blah blah blah. Try suggesting a male therapist if he's going to burst a boil. There are kids involved so I'd suggest counseling and if he refuses then insist on a separation/divorce. It's not good for the kids to see him demean you; your girls will learn it's okay to be treated like this and your boys will think it's okay to treat women like this...and it's your life - you want to live it free and happy without some dumb schmuck making you feel like crap!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 November 2013):
 Are you guys financially OK or are you strapped? If you are OK then I would look for a part time job, if you are strapped, a full time.
I agree that teens don't need an adult to greet them after school and take care of them in the same way smaller children do.
When you start working there needs to be a split in chores. the teens can help. My 3 kids are 1 teen and two "tweens" and they all have daily chores.
Like YouWish pointed out of there kids are not his he might feel like you are not contributing enough to raise your kids.
You two need to sit down and figure this out together.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (1 November 2013):
There's nothing you can say that will change this behavior, unfortunately.
My wife is similar and it's very frustrating, but I've kind of just had to learn to adapt. The problem is that it's usually you or I that has to adapt because we're capable, they aren't.
With counseling that may change. You don't need a lot of money for counseling though, in most urban areas there are subsidized options. I'd go if for no other reason than helping him learn tricks for living with his issues.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): The point is, he isn't going to reason and has no respect for you. He is set in his opinion, and being as obstinate as he can; in order to force it down your throat.He apparently feels he's pulling in most of the money; and that makes him feel he has a right to condescend to the lesser wage-earners in the household. He thinks from the old-school mindset. He beats his chest and demands obedience by bullying and stomping on your self-esteem. Reducing you to servitude. He assumes all the control and household authority by reducing you to the same status as the children. A dependent.Over the seven years of your marriage, he has been conditioned to believe he is the boss. You walk in his shadow, and you've allowed him to intimidate you. You feel what he says is true, and you've never stood up to the man. You've only timided defended yourself when under attack. He never considered you an equal. Now seven years in, and you're trying to establish your proper position within the marriage.Talk is cheap, and men like your husband think housework is nothing compared to what he does. He also looks down on women, and doesn't feel you're an equal in your own household. In a financially well-heeled family; it's easy to offer the advice to get family/marriage counseling. Then you have to find some therapist, or counselor, worth their salt. After a lot of wasted time and money, people end up divorced anyway.In reality, the success of counseling depends on the willingness of the participants to work it out. All involved have to make the concerted effort to realign family issues, and save the family unit. Everyone has equal responsibility to save the family.It's only effective when a family-unit works from within to rebuilt itself; and reset their connections. It can be done with or without a counselor. Modern times usually call for counseling and mediators; because people can be so stubborn and inflexible. It's senseless to put up with it.Your husband feels housework is nothing. He has never been responsible for doing any of it. You do it all. His mother probably did the same. You make it look too darned easy. That's how good you're at it. That's your fault! Your children are now getting older, and you can take on a full-time job. They can be assigned after-school chores. You don't require daycare; so you can now return to the workforce, and lift more of the financial burden off your husband. Then start pushing back, and muscling your way around. He's asking for help without admitting he needs it. He's too proud to just admit he can't bring in enough income on his own. Instead, he'd rather be an assh*le. Demean you or downplay your contributions to the household, as his wife and the mother of his kids. I thought those kinds of husbands died off in the 20th century. It's now your mission to usher him into the 21st century.You have to grow the stones to stand up to him, and tell him you don't like being talked down to. You had better grow the courage to back it up. Men who don't respect their wives feelings have to be given the ultimatum that she will leave him, if things don't change. It takes drastic measures. That's when they listen.If nothing changes, or things get worse. You follow-through and end the marriage. You don't have to go through life sleeping next to a boulder. Women with timid personalities often marry aggressive men, thinking they'll feel safe and secure. In many cases, they end up feeling like you do now.Like you're under his foot. Arguing is act of desperation. The result of a lack of communication; and futility reaching compromise. You spend a lot of time making a case in your own defense. Most of your your defensive argument is dismissed and overruled by his self-appointed judge and jury. Down comes the gavel and case dismissed.He doesn't care how he criticizes you or how your feel about it. That is because you don't show any backbone.You bark and snap like a little dog being teased with a stick.You cave in, or most likely cry and retreat. You have to show him you're not putting up with the bullying anymore.Insist on being an equal. Make your point with determination and confidence. Like you'll accept nothing less. Also inform him you sense that maybe he feels too pressured carrying the major part of earning income, and would have appreciated being told that, in an honest and respectful way. Not indirectly by putting you down. Making you feel lazy and unappreciated. Also inform him he is verbally "abusive" and a "bully." He has to hear these two words come out of your mouth. Dancing around the issue, you will never reach a solution.Get a full-time job. Share the chores and household duties with your husband and children. You are not the live-in maidand his whipping-post. You are a grown woman who devoted your life and waking moments to providing your family with a good home. You've been his mate and support. You are the mother of his children. If that has no importance in his eyes, then let him live without them. People never truly appreciate what they have, until they lose it.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 November 2013):
 Hmm...You're married to your husband for 7 years, but you have young teenagers? Is it safe to say that these teenagers are not his children, but yours from a previous marriage? If that is the case, are you receiving adequate child support from the father of these kids?
If you're not getting child support, he may be feeling like you have the "luxury" of staying home the majority of the time for your kids except four months of the year, and he's earning money to support kids that aren't his. He may be feeling resentment on that score. Even if you are getting full support from the kids' dad he may be resenting it.
Unless you and he had these kids 8 years before you married, I'm thinking that this is the heart of the arguments. Yes, guys tend to take house duties for granted, which isn't right. But if these kids are yours from a previous marriage, he may resent what he feels is financially supporting them.
As for you, you know what you contribute to the family. He can't make you feel worthless without your permission. He fights with you because you defend yourself. His imposing and bullying personality puts you off-balance and on the defensive.
Face it, if a lot of what you do around the house involves your kids who aren't his, he won't "count" it. So don't fight with him. You know what you do, and it's time you not only stop engaging him, but take some time out for yourself! Don't play the "unappreciated wife/mother" anymore. Just say with a smile "you're entitled to your opinion" and walk away from the conversation. Don't let him push buttons. The buttons are you secretly agreeing with him. See, if you didn't agree, you wouldn't feel the need to defend yourself.
Your kids are young teenagers. I am the mom of a young teenager. They are independent. You could show your husband what you're worth, you know. If you work on taxes, and the season is about to come up, then this next year, stop doing all the housework if you're working full time! Split the chores up and give your husband a list of everything that needs to be done around the house. He'll see soon enough what you do.
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