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female
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anonymous
writes: The other day, I was going through a difficult time and I turned to my partner. He was so good; loving, reassuring and I thought; he certainly is the man for me.Yesterday, due to other stresses, we had a bit of a row in a shop over something very trivial and it blew up because he reckoned that I couldn't let anything drop.It isn't the first time that I have seen the other side to him. He got angry, threatened me with eviction from his house, came towards me as if to hit me. It doesn't matter whatI say to him when he is like this; he doesn't see he has a problem at all.He says I am clingy and needy and I have suffered before with anxiety problems that I have overcome. This year I intend to do much more but I have a feeling that if I was more independent, he wouldn't like it too much.Can you understand that I love him but on occasions like this, I hate him? He becomes obnoxious, hateful almost. He says very hurtful things and says that I wind him up.I am stronger than I was; I have told him he has issues he needs to deal with and that he shouldn't treat someone like that. It falls on deaf ears yet I still want to be with him and we are so compatible and loving in all other ways.He says people don't know what I could be like to live with; that I go on too much, that I'm a pain. But I also know that I'm loving, caring and deserve respect.What can I do to make the situation better? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2006): I would strongly suggest you leave him, particularly as he is threatening you. If he is not prepared to go into counselling immediately, then he is really not worth bothering with. Yes, there may be loving times but he is using those times to be manipulative. If you continue in this relationship the way it is you will end up with little or no self esteem at all.This guy should be supporting you, not hurting you. You deserve much much better as you are clearly a clever, insightful lady who has a lot to give - but only to a loving and supportive guy.
A
female
reader, mystify +, writes (3 January 2006):
 i was in a relationship like this, he literally seemed to be 2 differant people Jekyll and Hyde and the put downs too, i got very weak but it stopped when i noticed the put downs and anger were just getting so ridiculous i knew it couldnt be me, so i decided i was going to be strong,...i told him in no uncertain terms that i will not be listening anymore to the cruel things that he will say to me and that i knew i was a good person who he should be grateful for, i told him the things he would say will not affect me anymore, there were times afterwards when he attempted it but even when i just wanted to burst into tears i would stand my ground and firmly say "i know i am better than that!" and "you will not bring me down anymore"...a bully need response reaction otherwise its pointless, my guys put downs and anger bursts have improved 99%
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A
female
reader, mystify +, writes (3 January 2006):
i was in a relationship like this, he literally seemed to be 2 differant people Jekyll and Hyde and the put downs too, i got very weak but it stopped when i noticed the put downs and anger were just getting so ridiculous i knew it couldnt be me, so i decided i was going to be strong,...i told him in no uncertain terms that i will not be listening anymore to the cruel things that he will say to me and that i knew i was a good person who he should be grateful for, i told him the things he would say will not affect me anymore, there were times afterwards when he attempted it but even when i just wanted to burst into tears i would stand my ground and firmly say "i know i am better than that!" and "you will not bring me down anymore"...a bully need response reaction otherwise its pointless, my guys put downs and anger bursts have improved 99%
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A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (3 January 2006):
 Dearie, i admire u cos u seem like u are indeed very strong hearted. i dont see u as the type that is clingy and all emotional at all.
I agree with happy to chat here, this is emtional blackmail. i am not happy with the fact that he threatened to kick u out. even if u guys quarrel which is normal in any relationship he should be considerate and watch what he says or do.
Please try and talk to him since u do love him much. make him understand that arguments is acceptable but not derogatory remarks. if he doesnt improve and he makes u so sad then u just have to move on. i pray he listens if he does really care.
Sincerely wishing u all the best dear
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (3 January 2006):
Your bf, if thats what you want to call him as I don't beleive a true bf or partner or husband would ever treat someone like that, is treating you in a way which just IS NOT acceptable. He makes you feel like crap. That in itself its a huge warning sign that this relationship isn't meant to be. Also, he threatens you which may leave you feel scared, inferior, alone and hurt- indimitation and bullying is just nto on, and when it comes from someone who is meant to love you, you need to not put up with it.
So he does all that, then he tries to use YOU as the excuse, that your just anoying and so on. Let me tell you something. We ALL have control of our feelings and behaviours. Whether or not he means to scream at you, he is in charge of his emotions and the way he lets them out, and if he hoenstly doenst know how to calm down and take control then he should be in cousnelling.
What he is doing could be described as emotional abuse. That is wrong.
Seriously darl, if he cant understand that waht he is doing is hurtful to you and is completely wrong, then you should break it off, because if he cant acknowledge that there is a problem and he is causing it then, he cant change.
I suggest just telling him straight out, and dont let him have the chance to stick up for himself, right it in a letter and leave. Say sometihng like "I am leaving you, part of me is sorry as I really do love alot of you, yet you tend to treat me badly, and I am not putting up with it any longer as I know it is wrong and you need help. You yell at me, make me feel scared and indimidated, that is wrong and you should know that. If you want to be in a realtionship with me then you have to stop this, if you choose to deny that you have a problem of dealing with your emotions, then this is the end of you and me. I strongly hope that you seek profesional help with or without me.' or even just say it to his face, but dont let him try to make out like he isnt the problem, because he is.
I know you love him, but if you arent in a LOVING RELATIONSHIP then, there is no point. just because you love someone doesnt mean that you have to be or that it wil work out, being in a relationship unfortunatly.
If you don't feel you can stick by your word of breaking up even though you want too, get some close friends or family to support you. And remember one day when the timing is right you WILL find a guy who YOU LOVE and who LOVES YOU back and treats you with respect, integrity, loyalty and is honest and trustworthy, so then you will have a LOVING RELATIONSHIP, that is very possible and it will come to you, you just have to give yourself a chance, but to do so you cant be in a realtionship with someone else.
take care :)
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