A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm 57 and he is 61. We were together for 11 years, but didn't live together. We were both married twice before, I have a 21 year old daughter he has no children. He was so very good to me and my daughter, generous financially, but being a alcoholic and previous drug user, he had anger issues. He got tired of my co dependency, and I drove him away with my neediness. He says he doesn't have the same feelings for me anymore, not that he has NO feelings. I drove him nuts with emails texts etc, then I got mad and said some awful things that I apologized for.I have been taking care of myself, going to the gym, dating, but 11 years....I cant seem to go 10 minutes without thinking about getting back with him. I love him very much, and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Is he gone for good? How can I get another chance to make him happy?
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (27 December 2010):
hi, you must be feeling devastated. But the good thing you've already identified your issue. Co-dependant. And your issue is what needs attending to, by you.
His issues are just that - his to attend to.
Reason you need to address your issues is so that you do not end up with a guy with alcohol or addiction problems
While i suspect you already attend the meetings in Al-anon, but if i am wrong
please join and get the support you need.
And you know you have spent years trying to be supportive of him, you needing to care for him, you finding excuses to minimise what happened. You trying to find solutions for him to adopt to fix the problem. You getting angry at his continuing problem. But then kissing and making up until the next crisis.
You going around on tippy toes, trying not to upset him. And he grew weary of you getting angry and upset at his behavior.
I am a child of a alcoholic parents. And as a result I have chosen to never drink, and remain at peace with that decision. As a little girl i would get into trouble for watering down the alcohol, in a vain attempt thinking it would lessen the bad behavior that night if the alcohol was less potent. (bit like watering down cordial!)
About the only way you might get your ex back is to move on in your life, so much that you don't need him, and don't want him. He needs time to get his demons under control himself. He may never achieve that goal. Or he may succeed. But he has to do it for himself, by himself. If he succeeds, and once he is a new person and you are a new person he may or may not need you.
But he would have to woo you back with him as a recovering alcoholic and you as a recovering co-dependant. He and you would have to be strong enough not to slip back into the old patterns of relating.And he might be so fearful that one or both of you would slip into old patterns, thus threatening his recovery that you would have to be well and truly healed too, before he could chance that. If he gets himself back string and over his problem.
Continue with you gym and add in some other activities. Things where you can learn something new, do somewhere new or visit new places.
This is a work in progress and needs all your energy and commitment, towards meeting your own needs first. For that reason dating now may be premature and land you back in a similar situation, where you try to be the caring person putting other's needs before your own.
A little bit of selfishness on your part where you identify your own priorities, what pleases you, may be in your best interests now. You don't need to jump from one burning frypan into another. That's why dating may not be helping you at this point. You need to like YOU as an individual in her own right, and enjoy the peace and calm of your own ALONE company a little more, and discover how you can enjoy being a woman with no baggage, no past memories holding you back.
And know that you can stand alone and focus on being the person whose needs you meet, first.
You will be far more attractive to good men (who don't need a mother, nor are insecure, nor are controlling, nor have addiction issues) when your self esteem is high and your independance is obvious. Of course that will narrow the field, but do you want a man who needs a mother, or is insecure, or is controlling or has addiction issues?
In other words you need to learn 'the art of selfishness' to help you go forward.
And help you attract a person who has no need for an enabling partner.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (27 December 2010):
 So the guy tells you that you are being needy and clingy and you still want him back? Listen, give the guy some space. No amount of pleading, begging is going to bring him back.
My suggestion: give him some time, perhaps a week or two without contact. If you feel the time is right, drop him a casual email asking how he is. Go from there.
To be honest though, it sort sounds Luke this relationship is over despite your feelings for him. It's tough, but its the truth.
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