A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need help. I'm falling to pieces.I dated this NAVY guy online for 5 months before we met. I was skeptical at first, didn't want another dead end relationship. I told him I wasn't looking to get serious, I just wanted to chat and get to know him. Over time, we both started getting intense feelings for one another. We couldn't go an hour without speaking, and when you're as busy as he is... it was really special having him text me as often as he could when he was on the ship. I'm on the east coast in the USA and he was based out of Japan at the time, although originally from the USA as well. So we planned a vacation for the beginning of this year to finally meet and be together. I think we genuinely started loving one another before this trip, I know what I felt was real.He was so sweet in all of his emails before our trip. He would go above and beyond to make me feel beautiful. And I don't think it was an act. We could cam together and spend hours just talking about a future. He was so excited to meet me finally and be together. Naturally things got sexual after a while. I was a virgin and I told him that was special to me and that when we finally did get to be together, if he DID NOT feel attracted or in love or if he felt different than he did at the time, don't take things to that level. I've waited 23 years for the right person, so I'm very cautious about that. I wanted to do it right. I was a little worried things wouldn't work out in person because nothing is ever definite. I'm a little overweight, I had some medical problems in the past. He makes me feel gorgeous, but I still had that lingering doubt which I think is normal, I think it's realistic to know that things may not always work out. The vacation finally came on December 29th. He paid well over $3k just to fly to me for 20 hours. That's pretty intense in my eyes, especially considering we haven't met yet. I picked him up at the airport and there weren't really sparks, but we were both nervous. As the day went on, sparks were there, we kissed, we talked, we cuddled. We got close. I didn't feel self conscious at all around him. I felt really loved. I felt okay to let him be my first, and he was. And it was pretty perfect to me. It was sweet and sincere, it was how everyone's first should be. It sucked but it was just a perfect time. He held me afterward and we fell asleep together. I was head over heels.The problem happened the next day. I could tell something was different by how he was in person compared to how he was in email. He was loads for attentive and sweet in email. So I confronted him and he told me he wanted to slow it down a bit, he wanted to go from planning a future to just living in the now because he was going back to Japan after the trip and he would be deployed and it would be really hard to stay as serious as we were. I got really upset about that. I took it as... he just had sex with me and now he wants to slowly let things end, that's what it felt like in my mind. I started crying, I rolled over and just went to sleep. He made no effort to comfort me, he just apologized if things weren't how I thought they would be and then went to go smoke. Things were still kinda rocky the next morning. He went to go walk to the store that's about a mile away to get drinks and stuff, and he left his laptop open with his facebook open. I know I shouldn't have... but I just wanted to see if there was someone else he was talking to. The only bad thing I saw was him talking to one of his friends from the NAVY, telling them about he felt about the trip. He mentioned not knowing if this is what he wants, if this is the direction he wants things to go in etc. What really got me was he said "sigh...well I don't think this is going to last long when I get back" and that was the end of that conversation. The timestamp on that was immediately after I had my fit and rolled over and went to sleep. He stayed awake all night so that's when he was talking to his friend. I don't remember how, but we fixed things that day by talking it out. He said he didn't want to end things, he just wanted to slow it down and I came to realize he wasn't trying to break the relationship. So we went on, had fun together. Our trip was only 12 days so the next few days were actually pretty perfect. I think once we got closer, the tension eased up. He bought a promise ring for me in Japan and gave that to me, I gave him one as well. The following days were just nonstop I love you's and how we were going to take steps to make it work long term with the distance. He said we were gonna have to work on it, but we could do it because he loved me. Even did the silly little "i love you more" thing. Dropping him off at the airport was awful. I cried so much, he started to tear up at the end but held it together. He looked me in my eyes, told me he loved me and he would let me know when he made it back safe, and then I walked away. I cried the entire way home. But I felt sure about us.The next few days after that were horrible. He barely said anything to me. The texts stopped coming as much as they had before. He didn't say I love you as much. He kind of ignored me. He told me he missed me once and then after that there was nothing about us mentioned. I got a little worried and asked him a few times if he was still interested. I do take blame in that I immediately jumped to that conclusion. I shouldn't have, I know, but I did. I guess he got annoyed at that and then stopped talking to me all together for 2 days. He wasn't busy, he was online on a game we both play. He just ignored me.Last night all hell broke loose. He TEXTED me and broke up with me. Said he didn't love me anymore and he was real sorry. He wanted it to work at first, but he's been slowly falling out of love with me and he didn't really want to talk to me anymore. He didn't feel the same about me and he cited my "constant worrying" as the only reason he was feeling like that. In the 2 days we didn't speak, I took steps to fix my insecurities. I even went to a class for NAVY girlfriends to better understand why he wasn't talking to me as much, because they're busy and it's best to just take it easy and relax and not jump to conclusions. I was working on being better because I knew I would lose him if I wasn't confident about us. I was trying to work on myself so we could still be at the point where we were before. But he just flat out ended it. He said those feelings weren't coming back, that I'll get over him soon, and to just move on and not argue about it. He asked me to respect his decision to split up. This is after promising me so many things, giving me a beautiful promise ring, telling me he loved me just 4 days before... it really blindsided me. He was being so cold and heartless. And still, OVER TEXT. He said he didn't have time to call, yet he was playing the game we both play a few hours after ending it. From one perspective it seems like he was being so cold so that I would hate him and make it easy for us to end it. Then again it also seems like he genuinely doesn't care. He went as far as to say that he found certain things I did annoying to him. He really tried to hurt me it feels like. In his mind he was doing it the nice way. He even tried to turn it around and tell me that if I couldn't see how nice he was trying to be or how much HE was hurting, I was an idiot and blind. None of his words seemed nice to me, he didn't sugar coat anything. To tell someone you don't love them anymore... that's brutal. And over something as small as worrying? I asked him if there was anything else and he said it was JUST the worrying that caused it and now he just wants to be single. He said there was no other girl, he just wants to be single for him. How do you stop loving someone after 12 days? If you share as much as we shared together, I don't see how it's possible to have that love go away. I am completely broken up over this. I shared my entire world with this guy and he just threw me away. I really don't know how to handle it. He even apologized for taking my virginity. He said everything on our trip was real, all of those feelings were real. So how do those feelings magically disappear after 12 days? I don't understand. Please help me understand. It's ruining me. I can't eat or sleep. It's nonstop crying and I don't deserve this. He really did me wrong, and I don't deserve this.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2013): i'm sorry this guy did this to you. often times, when you talk through text, phone, and internet (skype, etc), you don't REALLY get to know what someone is like face to face. often times, we idealize relationships like this, and we get a fake sense of reality. it's almost like a fairy tale relationship. and when you actually meet, it's like a let down because that fairy tale suddenly collides with reality and it's not all that you had hoped or built it up to be. for example, i met a girl off the internet one time. we talked for a couple of months over the phone, internet, text, etc. we seemed like we'd be awesome together .. until we actually met. when we did meet, we only needed a few hours to realize that we were NOT good together. in fact, we were awful together. we realized that what we THOUGHT we had over the phone, was far from what we ACTUALLY had in person. we both frustrated each other in ways we never realized we would when we merely were speaking over the phone. needless to say, it didn't work out and i left the next day.this guy, however, had to spend a long period of time with you due to the length of travel required to get to you. so he had no choice but to stay and make the most of it. which is why i believe he started acting different and being sweet to you. i'm in no way trying to hurt you, as i know you are already very hurt. but i am trying to explain to you and help you make sense of what probably happened. he felt stuck. he met up with you, and more than likely (especially since he said on day one that it probably wouldn't last long after he got back) decided that you weren't what he had expected. he realized that he could either do one of two things:1.) tell you he wasn't feeling very strong feelings for you, afterall, and spend the next two weeks in awkward silence and misery. which he dabbled with this idea for a moment on the first night, when he said he wanted things to slow down. that was his way of letting you know he wasn't feeling it with you like he had originally thought. he was telling you, basically, that he wasn't interested. but then you started crying and he realized that the rest of the week or two would be unbarable for you both, so he decided that was the wrong route to take.2.) pretend like everything is fine, and sweet talk you and make the most of the time spent, and try to see if he can't force feelings for you along the way; which didn't work. once those 12 days were up, or however long it was exactly, and he headed back home, he knew all along that he wasn't going to be with you. one thing that's particularly crappy that he's doing to you, which he is very wrong for, is that he's blaming you and your "insecurities" as to why he doesn't want to be with you. so now, you feel like it's your fault, when in reality, it's all him. he's trying to find the easy way out. don't believe him when he says it's your fault why it didn't workout. don't blame yourself.i really am truly sorry this happened to you. and i'm sorry you lost your virginity to this man. i know you must be going through a great deal of sadness right now. next time, maybe be a bit more weary of meeting men online. because as i said previously, sometimes, fairy tale meets with reality, and it's not always what it's cracked up to be. good luck and feel better soon! keep your head up!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 January 2013):
 You didn’t DATE online for 5 months. YOU met a guy online.
You didn’t meet in real life for 5 months. After you spent some time together, he realized that the person you were online was not the same in real life and the whole goal of meeting online is to have a full time real life partner. This is why not meeting quickly after meeting online is problematic. IT’s NOT REAL ONLINE. You are a shadow of yourself and clearly so was he.
He realized in real life after you met that it was not real and was not going to work. He just realized it sooner than you did. The chemistry IRL is not the same as the chemistry online.
I had this exact thing happen… we were great online, he flew to my state across the country to meet me and have a long weekend. IT did not work out and we knew this before the weekend was over. I was sad but it’s the way of the world
I disagree with R1 I don’t think it was DONE to you deliberately and I don’t think it was just about sex nor was it his plan to “take your virginity” and run.
He cares. Just not the way you want. Not the way you hoped. With time you will heal. Give yourself a chance to mourn the love you thought you had and the life you had already planned with a man you really didn’t know that well.
LDRs are not for the young, the faint of heart, the emotionally weak or the impoverished. AND an LDR that you have never met IRL is not really a relationship till you start spending time together.
Hang in there OP and set a note in your calendar to update me in three months as to how you are feeling.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (22 January 2013):
Nothing on that trip was real; not his feelings or yours. THAT'S the reason for your problems.
Dating someone who you've never met is fine, but there's no comparison to dating someone who's next to you. People are wired to need that intimacy, and that's not an option half way around the world.
You can feel love, but you won't have the same bond you would in person. That's why things like this happen all the time. People anticipate meeting so much and they're do sure that they've met "the one" that it's very difficult for the real person to live up to the imaginary one.
Your neediness probably didn't help. You'll learn that confidence is extremely important in a relationship. Having to always assure the other person that everything is okay can be very tiring.
I'd highly recommend your next relationship being with someone near you. Don't initiate a LDR or you are likely to have similar problems.
Don't start blaming yourself and worrying about your looks, personality, etc. Those things weren't the culprit here, it was REALITY that got you into trouble, you guys had fantasy and it didn't survive the switch.
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (22 January 2013):
 No you don't deserve it. The way you saw the relationship was as something serious potentially long term. The way he saw it was about sex. You don't really know someone till you meet in person. Texts/email/phone calls can all be taken the wrong way, only in person can you really discover whether you will work. In the future wait more than a few days before sleeping with someone. Men will judge you otherwise which is totally unfair and hypocritical but also very true.It is a lesson learnt. Move on and you will meet someone new and genuine I'm sure. :)
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