A
female
age
36-40,
*ani91621
writes:So me and my live in boyfriend have been together for roughly a year and a half. He is 29 and I am 25. Me and him were so in love but it seemed that when we moved in with each other (about 6 months ago) our relationship started to crumble. we did not have sex, hang out, do anything together. When we did have sex it was not passionate and it was quick and to the point. Things started to get worse and I have him an ultimatum...work on it or I'm done! The next day he told me its time to move on. I was HEARTBROKEN! I did not want to break up. Guess I thought he would change. He told me he was unhappy and he needed to focus on himself for a while. That entire week he went no where and locked himself in his new room. Finally on Friday he wrote me a 4 page letter telling me how bad he is hurting and how much he loves me. He told me he cares for me and does not want to date anyone else. He said he hopes we can someday rekindle our love for one another, he said he locked himself in his room cause if he saw me her would want to grab me and never let go and it was too hard for him. After that day he started sleeping in my bed. We still gave each other space but it was nice to be next to each other. We ended up having sex and it was the most passionate love making we have ever had. After a couple more days he said he hope we cans till hang out and hopefully get that old thing back. But he still cannot be with me. He said he needs to learn how to work as a team in a relationship and find out whether he needs his independence more than a relationship. He swore up and down he does not want to see anyone else. So today I am moving out and I am dying inside because I am hoping everything he is saying is true and not just an act. It seems like he really truly loves me and wants to be with me but we both have are own issues. I def. was way to clingy and forgot how to have my own life in the relationship. I know I pushed him away allot, but I see that now. I don't want to lose him. Has anyone been through this and gotten back together? Help!!!!!!!!
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (24 September 2009):
 Yes, he is in a yo-yo type mode. There's a lot of self-imposed conflict in his heart right now.
It seems he wants his own space, but he doesn't want to let you go. Moving in together seemed good, but now he's thinking that it was too soon too fast.
There bred the resentment. He resented being pushed into something he probably didn't want yet, and didn't speak his mind sooner. On the same token, he didn't want to lose you. So he reluctantly agreed and, as you can see, took it out on you.
But, the fact of the matter is, it seems he has a great deal of passion for you and he doesn't want things to end badly and the two of you get hurt badly. So, he's trying to justify everything in his mind. He's doing the "on the one hand" and then "on the other hand" analysis, and as you know love doesn't work that way.
Here's a solution.
After a few days apart. Simmering down a bit. Keep in contact with each other and keep dating.
No difference, just like before the big move.
Try acclimating yourselves to spending the night a few nights a week, and work your way up to a week and then a few days off and so forth.
The other thing is he needs to open up to you personally, not just in a letter, but personally look into your eyes and tell you everything he's feeling. That means he needs to trust you with all of his insecurities.
Without judging him, or rejecting him, work through those insecurities. That also includes loosening up the clinginess and trusting each other more.
In the end, if the two of you work on these issues and make the changes in your life together its possible to make it work better and stronger than the way you were going before.
Its just a matter of a little bit of work and trust.
I could be wrong here, with all the details showing, it seems to be the problem but then again he could also have other issues he's not telling you about.
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