A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I think my boyfriend of over 2 years just broke up with me. I'm not sure how I feel... part of me wants to bawl my eyes out. But part of me feels calm and sort of relieved.I love him. But he's crazy. He's massively stressed out. He works too much and doesn't sleep enough. Before everyone gets all over me about how can I be so cruel when the poor guy is working so hard...let me just say that he doesn't NEED to. His second business has grown from just a nice way to earn a little spending money to more than her ever imagined. Which is nice if you just want money money money. But there is no time anymore for togetherness, fun, laughter, nothing good. It's all about chasing money. He keeps on telling me I have no patience and some day we will have time and togetherness. I keep trying to tell him that we need time a little NOW, at least each week (forget each day because often we only see each other one day per week and we live in the same city). It's been crazy like this for over two years and I don't see it getting any better any time soon. I need more and I keep trying to deal with it. I have a job that keeps me busy days. I have women friends. I have some hobbies that I enjoy and activities. I have been learning some new things and sometimes take a class. I work out. Part of the problem is that I give up my activities when we have an opportunity to spend time together, but he seems resentful of them at the same time. For example, his son has a weekend full of sports activities. I often go with him, but this time I had the opportunity to go visit a old friend of mine that moved away a few years ago. He sulked about it saying that it's our only time together. Why is is that I can give up my chosen activities such as visiting my friend, but when his business calls, he cannot give that up? Please don't say that it's because it's business. This is a 2nd business. It's his CHOICE not a NECESSITY. It is like his hobby, but it is seen as being so noble because there is money involved. If I was as obsessed with a chosen activity it would seem crazy if I put it first all the time. This is not about putting food on the table. I feel like I'm in second place. I AM in second place. And if I complain, he makes me feel bad telling me I can't handle his life or his problems, he can't talk to me, and that he didn't know I was so WEAK. Well, I didn't know that I would be expected to go 7 days without seeing by boyfriend. The person that is so important in my life. That he would only have time to call me while driving to work. That text messages ( and ones that are few and far between that say "hope you are having a good day! thinking about you!") would be what was supposed to sustain me. It's not enough for me and he makes me feel like a bad person that it isn't.And you know, it worked. I DO feel like a bad person that it's not enough for me. That if I were better, nicer, more understanding, whatever, that he and I wouldn't be having problems now. He was screaming at me tonight about how all of our problems would be solved if we just lived together (at his house, of course), His kids live with their mother, but MY son would have to move. I'm supposed to live with someone who's going to leave me alone all the time and yell at me when he's stressed ( a lot)? Besides, I am opposed to living together outside of marriage. He makes me feel guilty that that is my standard for myself. I used to want to marry him, but I don't anymore. We can't even have fun on the weekends, so why sign up for a lifetime of that? He's always screaming that he would buy me an engagement ring but he's broke. Which isn't true. Currently he's looking to invest MORE money in his retirement portfolio. I think he just wants to guilt me into moving in. "I can't afford to propose, but being in the same house would fix all of our problems, so move in here so we can be happy". Well, the way I see it, HE would be getting exactly what HE wants. A pseudo-wife to shop, cook and clean and take care of all of the kids (his and mine), someone to have sex with, help bring in even more money, organize his life with no ring, no commitment, no plan and besides, he wouldn't even have to pack or move! He could just keep right on working like a fiend. Am I looking at this wrong?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 March 2013):
 I don't thin ky ouare looking at it all wrong at all. He DOES WANT the housekeeper/maid/nanny/sex partner but on his terms only.
Now if you had said you EXPECTED a (let's say) a 25,000 engagement ring I can kind of understand where he is coming from. But it seems more like he really DOESN'T want to get married, but have all the benefits of having a "wife". And he wants YOU to move into HIS house, right? Which means if it doesn't work out, YOU would have to find new place. And he could continue on as he did before.
I don't think he will slow down anytime soon when it comes to work. He wants what he wants. And as much as I admire his work ethics, it's HARD to have an actual relationship with someone who ISN'T there.
I would tell him that you two don't seem to be on the same page and then I would end it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): No, you're not looking at this wrong. You and your bf want different things from your relationship. Neither of you is wrong, necessarily, just that your needs are different.
Plus, it's not his second job that makes him a workaholic; if he didn't have the second job he would probably work long hours at his first one.
This isn't something that will go away ... he will not suddenly stop working all the time, or start wanting more quality time with you. I'm sorry to say that.
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