A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Okay(breath)- I am so confused about my relationship with my boyfriend. First of all, I should mention that I am 31 yrs old and this is what I would consider my first real bf. I suffer from extreme anxiety and esteem issues. Bearing this in mind, I will also say that I was "fixed-up" with him by his mother(who I just adore)and work with-she kept harping on me for my number. When I finally agreed and let him call me, I was pleasantly surprised. We talked for literally hours on the phone, our personalities meshed well and wemade each other laugh hysterically. . u get the idea. This went on for nearly THREE weeks. He respected the fact that I wasn't comfortable with the idea ofmeeting yet and he did not push at all. He became one of my best friends. When I let my guard down enough to allow him to come over, we had a good time. I was not overly physically attracted to him but he is THERE mentally-he is hard-working, intelligent, funny, etc; There was no physical exchange on the first date. We continued to talk for hours on the phone. .second date or meeting was different-having low self-esteem I wanted him to prove that he was attracted, and I initiated intimacy. This became a theme. He is not overly affectionate. he wanted me to know everything about HIM and his profession, offering me books-asking me to brush up on my knowledge because I told him that he looses me with all the lobsterman lingo. Gave me a picture, requested one back . .usual behavior when you're getting to know someone. He's just very genuine and straightforward. It just seems that my special talent in life is to live contradictions. Here's a man who is one of those rare finds-he is inquisitive about my life and sharing his experiences. He's quite good about calling and follow-through(at least initally). He's thoughtful-bought my favorite truffles to keep at his house when I come over(even though he can't eat them). The flip side being that I feel, at times, that we are more compatible as friends. The first time we were intimate it was awkward(natural). The sex has become gradually better but something seems not quite right at times. Like a said he is off and on affectionate. Example, went out to a movie, he was rubbing my legs, holding my hand, etc; but when we came back to my apt. he became very tired.he does work crazy hours(has 2 jobs)but again it's sort of a theme. he takes a bit to warm up and seem to think of "contact" until our dates progress into the later hours. he assures me that there is nothing wrong. Even asked me what I want from him-do I want to just have sex and have him leave or do I want someone who really cares. I don't see it as an either/or situation.I don't know what to do. I need more affection, but I don't see him ever being able to give that. I only see him once a week usually(now), we talk usually two ar three times a week for at least an hour. If we ended this, I would be devastated if i lost his friendship. he is THE bright spot in my life. It's quite scary for me,actually.If anyone has any insight into this-I sure would appreciate some. if you stayed with this novel until the end that is:)
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female
reader, Ms.Love +, writes (8 September 2009):
I think what you need to do is tell him how you feel and what you want from him since he asked you. He wouldn't have asked you that unless he was real about attempting or compromising what you need. He won't know how you feel and what you need unless you tell him, he ca't read your mind. Sometimes men are oblivious to the ways they treat women.
I'm speaking from experience. I have a lot of anxiety and self esteem issues. I've suffered from deppression since childhood and I'm currently on meds. I've never had a real relationship (I'm 28) because of my emotional issues and I never wanted to confide in anyone, that was my defence mechonism.
I feel like I'm learning this new thing called relationships. I've since opened up to him after he opened up to me &I've shared things with him that I though I could never share with anyone. Because of this he has helped me grow with these issues of speaking up and I love him even more for for that. But our relationship is far from perfect.
If you are not seeing a therapist I suggest you do so because it has really helped me a lot. As scary as it seems to tell him these things you have to or you will be unhappy, and everyone deserves happiness.
You should just tell him how you feel and see what he does about it. This would probably the determining factor of how you feel about him and if the relationship is worth keeping. It's all about compromise. You give some of this, I give you some of that.
Just because he's not affectionate all the time doesn't mean he's not into you. Maybe he's getting a weird vibe from you. He's also a person, people get tired, are stressed out about things, and just don't always do the things we want. But it sounds like he's really into you. So you should just give it a try because you won't know what the outcome is, or the problem unless you ask.
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