A
female
age
36-40,
*RSMouse
writes:Dear Cupid,Following a turbulant 'break' with my boyfriend, whereby his mother's unjustified hate towards me caused him to think seriously about whether our relationship was worth the grief he was getting from her, we have been trying to get our relationship back on track.As was before the break, when we are together, we are really happy, we have a great chemistry on an emotional and physical level. But his Mum's interference is still a source of tension.My family are cautious of him following his behaviour towards me (they saw first hand how upset I was at him calling a break with me two months ago), they have not allowed him to stay overnight in our family home. He used to stay twice a week, but to spare his feelings i've just told him its me who needs time to let him back in.However, my family were away from home for a week two weeks ago. I had, a week ahead, asked him to stay that week so I wasn't on my own, I didn't think it much to ask. His Mum kicked off, she allowed him to stay two nights of the seven. I told him he should just walk out, what was the worst that could happen? But he is very tied to the family, he has worked for the family business since he left school 6 years ago, and they pay for his car, his phone bill etc.Last Monday, she had a huge row with him and then grounded him! (He is almost aged 22!) We had dinner plans, and he did surprise me by, for maybe the first time ever, telling her he wasn't staying at home and that he was going out. She then told him to be home by 9 (His 16 year old sister has a later curfew!) to which he replied that he was 21 not 12. She played the 'my house, my rules' card, and so he told her maybe he would move out! He didn't get home at 9, he went home a little after 11, she had waited up especially to have a go at him for it.Since then, things have been a little tense between the two of them. I went to a family bbq today, he had to work, but we had planned on meeting this evening and he was going to stay the night as my parents are staying with family. His parents decided to swan off for the night themselves, leaving his sister, forementioned aged 16, at home. To which she decides that she doesn't want to be home alone overnight, so, once again, I get cancelled on so he can stay home and babysit! I told him that she is his parents daughter and is their responsibility, and if she doesn't feel comfortable being at home overnight on her own she should of been taken with them or they should of arranged for her to stay with an aunt or a friend.Really what this comes down to, is that I'm not sure how I feel about his commitment to his family. He always puts his family ahead of me, and I'm not sure whether this is normal behaviour or not. I'm pleased he stood upto his Mother last week, but I'm not sure if its right that I should have to settle for not being as important as them, or whether I'm being unreasonable and his behaviour is normal. Advice appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): This is a tricky one. Your boyfriend probably feels very torn and like he is being forced to choose between you and his family. This isn't your fault and you have the right to want to be a priority, but the situation isn't very fair on him either. I think if you can talk about it you could come up with a solution. He may need to move out or stand up for himself a bit more but you can't make him do that and I don't suppose an ultimatum would help matters.
If you really want it to work then you could tell him how important the relationship is to you and that you don't want to force him to choose, but that you feel sidelined and that it can't go on like this indefinitely so you need to find a way to fix it together. If you can't see a change or have reached the end of your patience then this is a genuine reason to walk away. Only you can tell whether his mother is hell-bent on breaking you up or whether he will be able to stand up for himself and make his own decisions.
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