A
female
age
36-40,
*manda15
writes:I have been with my husband for 10 years and have 3 kids. New year we had a massive argument and he admitted he cheated twice with the same girl. The girl who I thought to be a friend and who I confided in, although he did not know this. He has not spoken to her since and he told me that she has texted him once. I have asked her via message to leave us alone as I do want to try and move on but I am finding it so hard. We stay in a small village so I see her a lot and haven't been out for a drink in case I see her as I don't know how I would react. When he is out working I keep thinking he's talking to her. I have been invited out and she is going to be there so I said to him I need to talk to her to say that I'll act friendly but just for other people's benefit. How do I get over this? Some days I'm fine but then all of a sudden I can't stop thinking about it. Do I just cut my losses, or do I stay in the relationship? I love him so much and he does make me happy except this it hurts so bad. Any advice welcome xx
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female
reader, amanda15 +, writes (4 February 2015):
amanda15 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFemale writer.In your opinion how do I know that he is truly sorry? He has done what I have asked ie deleted her number, told her to leave us alone, blocked her from Facebook and gave me his FB password if I want to check his account at any time. He has told me everything I wanted to know. I am finding it difficult at times and I do appreciate your opinion as a third party who isn't involved x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2015): My gut instinct is telling me I don't think your husband regrets what he did - at least not enough. This only came out in an argument. If you leave / divorce your husband where will you live? Here is my idea.... stay with him for now give yourself time (but not too much) as you need to get your confidence back (your own deeper confidence) because not going out in your own locality in case you meet his bit on the side is not a way forward. She should be the one hiding. How dare she text him. When you feel more confident you should make an alternative plan - you don't have to carry it out - but it needs to be about what you do next. You might need solicitor / lawyers advice which can help you plan your next step with less fear of the unknown. In other words before you make any decision do it on the basis of confidence within and then you will make the right decision for you and your children. Your confusion stems from being hurt.
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A
female
reader, amanda15 +, writes (31 January 2015):
amanda15 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your response. I just wanted a third party who isn't involved opinion if I am crazy staying with him. Xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2015): My dear, you have my sympathies. This is the father of your children. The worst of the betrayal is on HIS part! He is committed to you by marriage, and he owes his children a stable home and a decent father. He has betrayed all of you.
The "anti-friend" is naturally to be discarded without further mention. Forgive and totally forget her, for moral reasons. Lest you discover she was raped. That ain't gonna happen!
Truthfully, you don't get over the betrayal. You learn to live with it; because you can't let pain and suffering rule your life. You still have your children to look after until they can fend for themselves; and your love for them will give you strength beyond measure. You're a mother first and foremost, and these unfortunate things happen in marriages.
You can't see it now, this is all too fresh; but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. The love of a mother for her children has some kind of divine power, that forces you to put them first. Without effort. You'll see. Instinctively, their father will want to protect them from the pain he has caused.
Please do not take the following commentary as insensitive. It is a point I often make to women,(and gay men); about confiding and over-sharing the troubles within your relationships.
Be careful with the information you confide about your husband or boyfriend.
You are giving away your secrets. You are inviting a third-party into your bedroom, and enticing them with titillating-tidbits about your man, and your sex-life. You're undressing and stripping him naked in their minds. They feel closer to him; because they know things about him that he isn't aware of, which gives them power. You've unraveled his mystique. Your trust in your best girlfriend (or gay-male "girlfriend," speaking to you gay fellows) when it comes to your husband (or boyfriend) should have limitations, and a privacy clause.
Don't allow them to ask, and don't bother to tell! My gay male friends have told their gay BFF's every last detail, bragging and complaining to their own detriment. My lady-friends need someplace to vent; meanwhile, not realizing how intent women-folk are on one and the others business. Especially after too much alcohol! You're spilling your guts. They think they know your man as well as you do, and he's all broken-in. All they have to do is strike when your back is turned. That's why it stings so much! You knew at the time you were running your mouth, you went too far! There are two-sides to every story.
That opens doors for opportunists, jealous friends, and she may feel she gets his side more than you do. Don't forget, women sometimes sympathize with the husband. If you complain a lot, he's a certified-hottie, and you don't seem to appreciate what you have? When s/he doesn't have it?!! Then there is the nasty bitch who smiles in your face; and can't wait to get her hands on your husband to destroy your marriage.
Over-time, your BFF sees your "complaining" as just in-your-face bragging about having a man; and almost inviting, if not daring, her to take him. She feels maybe s/he's more woman (or man) than you, and can do better.
The karma will eat her alive. No one makes a clean-get-away from betrayal. The "payback" lies dormant for when they least expect the turnabout. Making vengeance on your part totally unnecessary. You wouldn't really feel any better for vengeance; because you can't undo what's done. That in reality, is the only thing that would being you true satisfaction. Turning back the clock to before it happened.
Own a tiny bit of the blame. Not too much.
If you have problems with your husband you can't easily resolve; confide in your mother, or a divorce attorney. Mum will give you comfort; even if it comes with an unsolicited "I told you so!" Even your mother doesn't need too much information. Sometimes all you need is advice, but spare her the dirty details. Your marriage is your sanctuary and your bedroom is the inner-sanctum of where love is consummated, deeply-expressed, and nurtured. Only two people should know what goes on in the inner-sanctum, and what doesn't. You and your man. Your fights are one on one.
If he doesn't want to listen to your side, giving it to her will not directly interpret it to him telepathically.
See a counselor and your doctor to deal with your stress, and to help you cope. They are professionals paid to maintain your confidence; and liable for unethical disclosure. Insist that he accompanies you for counseling; if you both feel what you have is salvageable, and divorce is your last resort. It's a lot more complicated when there are children involved. You must be civil in their presence, but you need to vent your anger and emotions as well. Mediation through marriage-counseling helps. It's not necessarily a cure. If the counselor chooses sides, fire him or her; immediately. They can show sympathy, but not pit one of you against the other. You don't pay them for that.
Counseling may not save your marriage, but you will have a referee and moderator to help you to deliver your feelings effectively. Sometimes it's hard to express feelings beyond your anger and disgust, which is a given. Through the help of counseling, you also need to let him know how deeply injured you are; because it brings you closure, and the truth exposed in its purest form, resonates deeper into recesses of his humanity. He SHOULD feel guilty. Only then does the cheater actually realize the damage and what he has lost. Oh, and when his ass is dragged through divorce court. He'll see regret and the error of his ways on the big screen.
Here's the hard part you'll still have to face. Hearing what you did that hurt him in your marriage. It is hard to see past your own pain. That's where we are all selfish. It seems there should be no redemption or mercy for the cheater; but he gets to tell his side as well. There is no excuse for cheating; but your incompatibility and failures were the reasons you were complaining, and confiding your marital discord to your wretched home-wrecking scumbag of a friend. It is hard to swallow; but he is unhappy too! He has his truth to tell as well. Not just excuses. Your troubles began before cheating. She offered him a sympathetic bosom to rest his weary head. You gave her the tools to chisel her way in. He didn't know!
If marriage or couples-counseling has no other benefit, this is truly one of them. To offer your partner your truth, and to get it all off your chest. He would otherwise leave the room offering you no opportunity.
You have my most sincere empathy. No words we can say can lift the burden of pain you carry. You still have to dig deep to be strong; because the children need to see your strength, in order to know that things will still be okay for them as well as yourself. No matter what the outcome. Remember, their world is shattered too!
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours  +, writes (30 January 2015):
 I don't think you will get over this; I don't think should have to, I don't think you should. You did nothing wrong, it's not your responsibility to deal with it and torture yourself while your boyfriend loses no sleep.
He cheated TWICE, with this girl. How can you believe there are not more girls? He didn't regret it enough the first time to not to it again. How can you believe he cares enough now?
Don't hurt yourself, don't waste any time getting away. He will most likely repeat offense and the more time you spend with him, the less time you have to get over him and find someone who will value you and be loyal always.
~Sy
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