A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Ok so I really need help on this one. I met this Guy online and although we haven't Met yet, (we just chatted, exchange emails, and talked on the phone for about a month now) we both could tell that there's chemistry and emotional connection between us. The only dilemma I had was he emailed me last week and since I am so busy and need time to think on my responses I emailed him a short one say that "I got your message and I enjoyed reading it, will write back to you sooner, for a much detailed response. I thought I am being polite and considerate to by doing that instead of just having him to wait 5 days before hearing from me. So what happened was he emailed me back with this:"I am always delighted to hear from you, but don't let me become an obligation. If you have too many messages to reply to, I don't want to add to your pressure. I look forward to hearing from you when it makes your heart happy to do so. Until then, take care and God bless!"so that's his response to me. I wrote back with this: Writing you is not an obligation; I actually thought I am being polite by acknowledging your email and that I couldn't respond to it right away. I need time to think and I was having a very busy week ahead. Besides I know that I'm not the only one you are communicating with on this site too, and I completely understand that. It's not like we have an understanding that we will only communicate with each other. It's too soon for that. If I am not interested in continuing any form of communication with you then I would have just honestly say so. I don't believe in PLAYING GAMES... having said that I really enjoy hearing from you and reading your email but right now, I would like to first establish a friendship with a Man; I have learned in the past that its important to be grounded and know a Mans true characteristic's and intentions before starting any kind of serious relationship with whoever it will be"... I added more to this of course but the thing is he never responded for almost two days now. now what went wrong here? He actually strikes me as very needy, controlling, desperate and emotionally weak.. I don't know.. what do you think? Any insight on this would be much appreciated.Thanks! Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (15 June 2014):
Dear OP,
I think that either of your messages could be easily misunderstood: Your first message sounded too cold for my taste, his reply sounded very hurt but somehow still interested, and your next one sounded really defensive and slightly pissed off to my ears.
You are right to protect yourself from controlling and desperate people, but at least give the man a chance if you had a good connection before. If you only see yourself as a potential victim, you might reject a good man too easily (or hurt him without wanting to). My advice is to just be generous, write him (even though it's his turn, I know), not in an offensive way, but say that you'd still like to meet him and that it's hard to communicate over the internet. Maybe you two can sort it out over a cup of coffee.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 June 2014):
 I tend to agree with Honeypie ( once more ). The written word is tricky, without the help of voice, body language and facial expressions it is easy to load it with meanings and nuances which weren't there.
Could not it be just a misunderstanding ?...
You wrote , saying, basically, I am busy but, don't worry , I'll write to you later . I think that maybe he simply wanted to be NICE : he meant to say, oh take it easy, you don't have to reassure me and explain me things, I know that you've got other stuff to do, so I write you without waiting for /demanding an immediate reply, you just take your time, whenever you answer it is all good.
Supposing he just meant something like that , and nothing confrontational or sarcastic... now obviously he'd be mortified and annoyed to have gotten such a good knuckle- rapping, and he would not know what to answer, or would just not WANT to answer.
I admit though that my interpretation is probably biased by my belonging to that dynosaur category who remembers how things were before social networks and the habit of massive texting,and before we became immediately and mandatorily reachable 24/ 7. Then the rule was simple : it's polite to answer personal ( not business ) communications within 3 days . ( In other words, you have 3 days to answer ). So, it would not have crossed my mind that a person could be mad or anxious if I did not respond immediately . If I had not got around to give my answer by the night of the 3rd day, THEN I would have shot two lines, like, sorry, been busy, will write more later.
So I am not too sure, it could be that the vinegarish ,controlling hint you detect in his answer does actually exist ( although personally I don't think so ).
I think you have two choices : a) just forget about the guy and move to the next, hey it's just online dating, as Honeypie says ; if they don't fit to a T right from the start,... you can always get more from where you got this one.
b ) try to fix the possible misunderstanding and write him something like : I think I may have misinterpreted your message and overreacted , I read into it a reproachful intention that perhaps was not there , anyway ... why don't we cancel that page and start all over again ? Just be assured that I AM interested in getting to know you , and that to me it's not an obligation to write you, just I am so very busy with work that at times I can't respond timely, I wanted you to be clear about it and not take my silences wrongly.
In this way you'd clear the air without actually having to eat humble pie, and if he IS interested he'd stop sulking and resume your exchanges.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 June 2014):
 I would say that maybe you read a little too much into his reply, but.. that you also NEED to go with your gut. If your gut tells you that he comes across as controlling or needy (both unattractive traits for most) then I would listen to said gut.
Judging from only the ***
"I am always delighted to hear from you, but don't let me become an obligation. If you have too many messages to reply to, I don't want to add to your pressure.
I look forward to hearing from you when it makes your heart happy to do so. Until then, take care and God bless!"***
I don't see any controlling (but YOU have a months worth of conversations so my guess is you can easier pin point what it is that makes you feel he is controlling).
The part with "if you have to many messages" does come off as "whiny" - like if you are too busy talking to ALL the other men on the website to reply to me.... bla blah... when in fact all you mention about being busy is about work.
My guess is, you won't hear from him again. I think he took your long answer/explanation as you scolding him for trying to be polite back at you.
IT is easy to misunderstand the written word, because you don't know the person writing them. All you can do is guess what a person means.(emotionally)
I would go with whatever else conversations you two have had, and if they gave you pause or red flags, just SKIP this guy and move to the next. THAT is the beauty of online dating.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2014): He obviously liked you and was upset that you didn't prioritise him over your work. He is keeping you waiting by not answering to pay you back for not answering his email immediately. I don't think he is needy or controlling at all just upset that you didn't answer when he wanted to hear from you. The only worrying fact is that he is now keeping you waiting suggesting he has a 'pay you back' mentality which is probably not very nice and bodes badly for the future but he did obviously like you a lot. I wouldn't email again as he will come back to you and probably in a very calm disinterested manner but this won't be how he really thinks.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (14 June 2014):
 Yes he sounds needy and desperate. I would move on as its likely to get worse not better.
I had the same experience. Got chatting to a woman I liked, we got on well, etc. then on day she text me and I didn't realize. My phone was upstairs and I was down stairs watching TV. I checked my phone and had the following messages...
10:17 - "Hi how are you, what you up to"
10:29 - "I said Hi, are you busy?"
10:47 - "Okay fine, if you have found someone else then good luck to you! GOOD BYE!"
Crazy.
I know from my own internet dating exploits that you never actually know someone at all until you have spent time with them in the flesh. Texts, emails, calls are not the same as real life.
Mark
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