A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a woman for 8 months now and I still have trust issues. We have declared our love for one another and have both said that if there ever were a "soulmate", then we are it.We met on an online dating site this past summer and we both have been married with kids. We hit it off immediately and spent the night together the first date. Went out two more times the next week and didn't see each other, but talked on the phone for about 2 weeks. Then I took her on a long weekend getaway and that is where we both declared exclusive dating to one another and one month later started telling each other how much we love each other. To this day, there is no doubt in my mind how much she loves me and I love her. We spend a lot of time together now with our kids (every other weekend) together and with ourselves when we don't have the kids.Herein is the problem: prior to meeting me she had another relationship following her divorce with a guy for about a year and a half. They were on again off again and even hooked up once after we met (prior to our weekend getaway). She also continued to hook up with a few other "dates" she met on the same online dating site where we met (again prior to our weekend getaway). To this day, she still talks and texts her old boyfriend and she will occasionally get texts from a few of her "online acquaintances". I have met her old boyfriend several times and have talked with him about his intentions with my girlfriend. Like her, he says they are just friends, but it just feels awkward. When I bring it up to my girlfriend, she gets angry with me and says I'm being too possessive and that I should just appreciate and respect our committed love for one another. It has been the cause of many arguments and pits in the stomach for me. I have left in the middle of the night and she calls me crying saying she is going to stop correspondence with old boyfriend, but a week later gets back into the text and phone calls (not as much as in the beginning, but still.)As for the other "online acquaintances" she will still get a random one asking her to meet up and tell them that she is in a relationship. I said she should just not even reply to the text, but she says they don't mean anything to her and she is just being courteous. She is a very nice person and I can't argue for it would only end up in another argument. I really love this girl and am considering marriage again. Am I being too jealous and possessive or should I just forget about it and try not to let it bother me? It is tormenting me and I have tried talking to her many times and then she goes into "I just need space from your jealousy, etc." Other than this, she really has not given me any reason not to trust her, but I can't stop thinking about it. How can I control my worrying about this? Any advice is welcome.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): She isnt very mature. She thinks its ok for her to be pestered by old dates but has a hissy fit when you point out a woman you dated? I think shes enjoying all the attention shes getting and has no intentions of stopping. If i were you, id leave her to get on with it and find someone sensible. Sorry things have turned out this way after 8 months.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses. They were all very insightful. Here's a kicker: Yesterday prior to me posting this question, she friended a girl on facebook we met Friday. I went on her site and noticed that this girl was friends with someone I had gone out with once last summer prior to our meeting. I told my girlfriend about it and she saw the girl (who happens to be very attractive, but that doesn't matter to me). My girlfriend got all bent and said she doesn't really know who I am and that I don't tell her how beautiful she is ( which is so far from reality- I tell her everyday). She then goes on to say how her ex really appreciates her for her beauty (just a dig and a knife in my heart because she knows how he makes me feel awkward enough). Now we haven't spoken and I don't know if I want to anymore (at least for a while). I feel like I am in a high school relationship again. I can't win here.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (9 March 2010):
I have been through what you are going through. I met my online boyfriend and it was great; but while I suspended my profile immediately, he kept his active. Being the psycho I am, I created a false profile just to monitor him. I was hurt but then I made a decision to let him continue because in my heart I knew he couldn't possibly meet anyone better than me :-) I just told myself that I will give him time to see what else is there and I fought hard against the urge to tell him to cut contact with anyone else. He also had an ex who was still in his life. Sounds stupid but I just left him to it to make up his own mind so that when he finally decided that he wanted to be with me then it would be his own decision. Well after he proposed a few months ago he is no longer on the site and has moved 600miles away from the ex. Sometimes when you try to cage someone in, they fight more desperately to be free. Don't build your life on her entirely. Maintain your own friends too and have your own interests. An independent person is more attractive than a clingy one. I know how you feel but fight that urge. If she is still chatting to people online then there is no reason why you shouldnt either. Don't do it as a tit for tat type of thing. Just be relaxed about it and don't make a big deal as if you are taking revenge. Tell her you understand now the need for personal space and that you will also keep your friends too. If she thinks she is your only option then she will keep pulling away. Give her some breathing room and she might see you in a better light.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): As the anon poster pointed out. Its been 8 months and shes still getting messages from past online boyfriends and telling them shes in a relationship? How many of them are there! By now that sort of thing should have stopped. Its probably quite flattering for her to feel that shes still being pursued to a degree. But most people with a busy past dating life would change their number or send out a generic text to all, saying please stop contacting me now as im in a relationship and no longer free to date. How difficult would that be?
No one is going to like the thought that men who dated their partner in the past are trying to see them again! The fact that shes responding to them is a little disappointing. She may call it being courteous but how about some courtesy towards you? You are trying to forge a new life with her. She really should leave these men in the past. My ex boyfriend wanted to stay in touch with ex internet dates he had stored on his phone. He classed them as friends too but they werent really. None of them were ever there for him if he needed a real friend. In reality they were just numbers in his little black book. I wasnt comfortable with it. Having seen some of the women and read the flirty things they wrote, i certainly didnt classed them as my friends.
In the end my boyfriend changed his number and everything was better for us but after we broke up he started dating them again. He had stored and hidden their numbers just in case.
Make sure she really is on the level with you. As for her ex that shes still friends with. Im sorry but it sounds as if she is keeping her options open. You may find she was hurt in the past and shes wary of letting her options go just yet. Maybe over time she will settle but it doesnt sound as if shes really ready to at the moment.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (9 March 2010):
 You simply need to learn how to trust her. You also need to give her some space and not suffocate her or isolate her from her friends, be they males or females. This is her world before you came into her life.
If she is happy , you will be happy too.If you stop her from doing the things she likes, she would be unhappy and you will be unhappy too.
Your jealousies and possessiveness will drive her away. Trying to control her is the trait of an emotional abuser.
As long as you find that she does not give you any reasons that she is cheating on you , you should allow her to do her things even if you don't like it.
Put yourself in her shoes, what if she does not like certain things you do? Will you be happy if she tells you to stop doing it ?
You should stop trying to change her life, her outlooks to your standards or perceptions but to allow herself to do it at her own pace.
Everyone is unique and different. Appreciate her for who she is and no one is perfect.
Give and take some .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): While not in the same situation, I understand your concerns. I absolutely think you have every reason to have trust issues. She is replying and telling these guys she is in a relationship, which is great. I don't see any issues there (other than the fact that it's been 8 months and she is still getting messages from them). However, the thing with the ex would bother me, especially if they hooked up after she was talking to you. Why did they split up in the first place? Did she cheat, did he have trust issues? That would be a big question in my mind. I think you need to sit her down and explain it to her. If she still says she "needs space from your jealousy" tell her you need a girlfriend who is willing to take your feelings into consideration. If she isn't, then you should move on. You deserve to live your life happily. Good luck, I hope she stops doing these things, and I truly hope things work out for the best for you.
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A
male
reader, Kenj  +, writes (9 March 2010):
 I know what you mean here. I met my girlfriend through online dating too, but soon after I suspended my account and she done the same.My girlfriend had a guy text her all the time, he used to work with her.I asked her does this guy know your in a relationship with me and got the answer she doenst want to hurt him so hasnt told him. She says she has told him quite clearly in the past she is not interested in anything other than just being friends.I couldnt help not trusting her for a while, and it's a horrible feeling. It held me back. I do feel though if there was anything going on, she would not be telling me when he texts her and my trust was regained in her.So if your girlfriend is telling you about these texts then have trust in her, your relationship wont progress if you dont trust her. If she starts dissapearing for weekends then maybe there is some reason for concern but while she is open with you, give her the benifit of the doubt, she might just be a nice person and as she says just being courteous.
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A
female
reader, cherishanddream +, writes (9 March 2010):
from what you depicted, i think she's hiding something, anyway she's not fully being honest with you. I think you should have a serious conversation with her. The more you hold up, the more argument would be later on.
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