A
female
age
,
*etalheadmom
writes:Found several emails between my husband and his ex, shortly after him telling me he felt the need to apologize to her for the past mistakes he made. I thought I made it clear this idea was NOT the solution, and do NOT go there. The emails started friendly, then turned to "fond memories" and compliments. THEN I discovered he had sent her flowers. The last email from her, stated she did not want any more communication. I completely went postal, as he had been treating ME horribly during this incident. He claimed he just wanted to be "friends", but knew I would not accept that. He apologized, and things did get a little better - for awhile. A year later, I again find them emailing. I confront her in a very hostile manner, she denies any wrongdoing. I reply demanding she get out of my life. She did. After several counseling visits, he is told he is not to be talking to the ex at all. He agrees at the office, but to this day, he DENIES ANY wrongdoing, still not clear why this gave me reason to not trust him. Is he really that dense? Now, his ex boss - single female - and he, exchange emails, phone calls, and have gone to a few football games together. She and I used to be friendly, now husband claims she is "afraid" of me over an incident she was witness to. Not trusting husbands accuracy in relating reality, I tell him I need her to be upfront with me in order to trust either of them. Nothing. I write her a very open letter, apologize, ask her to please help me be OK about something I do not believe is right. Nothing. Weeks later, her sister tells him she "doesn't want to get involved in this". None of this adds up. Husband asks to see the letter, I refuse, he reacts as if I gave him reason to not trust what I told him I wrote. Suddenly I become the bad guy here? Had this woman opened the lines between her and I, I would have taken the chance on trusting him again, even though he has done nothing to deserve it in my opinion. I am completely confused as to what I am doing wrong or not doing right. I think I am being honest, I think what I say and do makes sense, but I keep feeling like I'm dealing with a bunch of 5 year old kids. I know he is going to push me again to go to another game with her. I'm so tired of trying to explain any of this. Please, what do I need to do?
View related questions:
flowers, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, metalheadmom +, writes (6 December 2010):
metalheadmom is verified as being by the original poster of the question Wow. I was just talking about Christian beliefs with him before reading your WONDERFUL response. He claims to be Christian, yet... I believe you have given me the push I needed to at least try to get things back where they need to be. I am going to Amazon right now and order some books! You have no idea of how much your words of wisdom have helped me. Thank you!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): Hi, sweetie. You are not doing anything wrong in questioning the motives of these other women with your husband.
I want to know, why is your husband forgetting that he is married and "hanging out," one-on-one, with single women? This is NOT OKAY BY ANY MEANS, so do not let anyone persuade you into thinking you are being overdramatic.
However, there is a reason that he is tempting himself into involving himself with other women.
A marriage covenant is forever. You TWO are now ONE. You share a bed, your hopes, your fears, your dreams, your lives, and your futures. You cannot continue to leave lives as separately under one roof, like roommates. This arrangement will NEVER WORK.
Evaluate your relations with him. Are you holding anything back from him? Your respect? Your time? Intimacy? Doing these means the death of any marriage. What is he holding back from you? His affection? His time? His love? Doing this is also among the worst things he can do to you and your marriage.
Worst of all, is allowing a lack of communication to strangle your marriage.
I suggest going to a reputable Christian marriage counselor. Even better, explore CHRISTIAN books on marriage and how to keep them going strong. Look for FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES BY GARY CHAPMAN, as well as BOOKS THAT ARE WRITTEN BY KEVIN LEMAN and OTHER WRITTEN BY MICHELLE MCKINNEY HAMMOND. Do it, even if neither of you are Christian. They will NOT attempt to convert you, but to repair your marriage from the ground up.
Your husband is not right in "exploring" outside of the sanctity of his marriage, that is for sure. You were definitely the bigger person in dealing with this woman who is playing around with your man, so congratulations. And you are NOT the bad guy in attempting to preserve your marriage. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE take my advise about the Christian books and Christian counselor. Do these things are the best thing that ever happened to my marriage.
Best of luck.
...............................
|
