A
female
age
41-50,
*inigirl1975
writes:Im going to try and make this short...I was married for 12years to a very controlling and emotionally abusive man.The guy I am with now is 13years my junior. He is mature in some ways but others not so much (financially and education wise) Anyway we have had our differences and have worked through them, he is good to me and been my emotional support 100%. But I feel now that I have seen councilors and have gotten through the emotional mess I was in, I am starting that he is not right for me. There is another guy that I have known for 8years now and we had chatted on and off for that length of time. I had never met him, but had seen pictures and really envied the life he lived. He is extremely sweet, smart (He teaches Nursing at a local university in his area) loves to travel, has an older daughter that is going through as a nurse as well. He has everything I had wanted in a man and more! He is not the best looking guy but he has so much to offer me. But that being said he does want to love but afraid to get hurt, I think that's why he is still single.The thing is I don't want to hurt the man I am with now, but I know in my heart he is not right for me. He is extremely good looking and I am sexually attracted to him. But he has nothing much to offer me right now and he does not have much ambition, but I know he truly loves me! I don't want to hurt him and I feel horrible for even thinking of letting him go.I am just looking for advice and how to deal with my situation. Thanks
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (15 May 2013):
 This may seem like one issue, but it's really two, and to make a good decision, an intelligently weighed decision, you must take great care not to LINK these issues. To do so will skew your thinking and cause regret down the line.
I will refer to your current boyfriend as "Guy A" and this online guy as "Guy B".
So, before you begin your decision making, you must take great care not to COMPARE the two of them while making the decision. Believe it or not, it will cloud your thinking. So avoid the whole "Guy A is better looking than Guy B" and "Guy B has more Ambition than Guy A".
So separate both and write out the pros and cons independently of each other.
I will say this -- one major strike against Guy B is that you haven't met him, AND the Illicit factor has up until now played into your attraction to him. This is dangerous, because you've been having an emotional affair with Guy B behind the back of Guy A. That is a perfect recipe for disaster, because I guarantee that no matter how long you've talked to him without seeing him, a physical relationship and eye-to-eye communication with both of you free can turn your feelings on a dime, leaving you with a horrendous pit in your stomach that you gave everything for what turned out to be a mirage and illusion.
As for Guy A, it's not just that you've had therapy to free yourself from your marriage abuse aftermath, but it's also that you've been having this emotional affair with Guy B. When you have any affair, emotional or physical, you will fill in the blanks with what you're not getting from your current boyfriend and feeling like since it seems that Guy B fills in the blanks, it's really you looking for what you want.
Some serious questions you want to ask yourself -- from where I sit, I'm not clouded with infatuation or skewed comparison syndrome:
1. How can there be a future with someone who leaves you hanging for 8 years without wanting to meet you even as a friend? Did you meet this person while you were in your marriage as well?
2. Guy A supports you 100%, but you see deficiencies in how he lives his life due to age. What specifically are his dealbreakers, and what do you see in him that would tell you he's not for you, and would you have come to those decisions if there was not the emotional affair?
3. Are you confiding to Guy B your issues with Guy A? Are you soliciting advice from Guy B on how to deal with Guy A?
4. Given that you haven't seen Guy B for 8 years, would entering into a relationship with Guy B be considered a Long Distance relationship, and if he's local all this time and you haven't seen him yet, why? And if he's long distance, how can you make a long-distance relationship of any kind work?
5. Have you honestly done research on Guy B to ensure that he is who he says he is, is not married, works where he says he does, and there aren't any hidden red flags (i.e. he's still married, has a criminal or sex offender record, and has an established online presence such as Facebook, LinkedIn, listed on a work or school website, etc.). It's highly irregular that visual contact hasn't been established in 8 years on someone of such great and intimate interest to you.
6. Are there definite times with Guy B that he is not available to you besides sleeping (i.e. certain days he doesn't communicate with you or has discouraged you from communicating with him)
7. Does Guy A rely heavily on texting you, and is your relationship based on sex in a disbalanced way?
8. You mentioned guy A helping you emotionally and supporting you 100%. Has that been reciprocated, and have there been instances where you were there for him in any problems? How about Guy B? I ask because sometimes there's a pseudobond that happens when you have your issues in common with someone who is there for you emotionally, only to find out that you don't know him because the defining narrative has been your problem and his caring for you.
These are a lot of questions, but I would advise you that if you leave Guy A, don't do it BECAUSE of Guy B, because the risk factor and red flag factors are off the scale here.
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