A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've posted on here previously but I'm in such a state with myself lately, I really need further advice, I'm so confused and low and at a total cross roads with where my life is going.I've been with my boyfriend 3 years, we're both nearly 20 years old. During school we were best friends, college we struggled (as he went out drinking, met other girls, texted others and eventually cheated in a club), now we are well in to university and I'm at my wits end.The funny thing is, he is now being the nice one. He is constantly asking me to do things, texting me far too often (in comparison to previously), he tells me I'll cheat - I'm too good for him, over all he is paranoid and over bearing since we started university (this is the first time we've been in education apart). We've argued for months now, at first it was my car and job making me too independent, now university is making me too confident and cruel (I'm not daft, I'm aware I've snapped more than often but I am CERTAINLY not cruel). I've stuck by him through him being attracted to others, cheating, befriending a girl he cheated with and now it feels like because he doesn't do THOSE things anymore that he thinks he has the right to get at me for those things?We see eachother rarely now, our sex life is at rock bottom (we both still live with parents but I think this is an excuse). I know I'm unhappy, but I can't help but question whether maybe I'm just enjoying independence and taking it out on him? Maybe my car/job and new friends has made in to something I wasn't - but friends keep saying that's because I'm no longer a doormat!I've felt slight attraction to a friend lately, nothing would or will happen as he's not interested and I have no intent of doing back to him what he did to me. As well as this, another old friend (an older guy) asked me out for coffee, I had a crush on him when I was younger and it's all so exciting to feel like maybe I am finally growing up in to maybe something or someone who doesn't have to settle for second best? I won't go for this coffee, I know it's wrong and I know that to do so would only complicate things; none the less, the fact I would LIKE to, is worrying enough for me.I care deeply for my boyfriend, my last wish is to hurt him but I'm miserable. I don't feel like myself, I'm lonely and I feel like everytime I reply to him petty, paranoid texts it's just another straw built on the camels back. I'm so lost, am I being more selfish now I have independence or is this just me coming to terms with a relationship that's been wrong for a while?Thank you for any help!
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female
reader, Speranza  +, writes (19 January 2013):
Hi there
The sentence that really spoke to me was "I care deeply for my boyfriend... but i'm miserable." That to me says it all. Yes, you are independent and seeing that there's a whole world out there for you - but this is not what's causing the relationship to fall apart. It's clear from what you wrote that your relationship is on its last legs.
You're not being selfish - i think that you are seeing things with new perspective, which can be healthy. Don't stick around because you care for someone if that means you are going to be hurting yourself. It's not worth it! A relationship requires both parties to be happy or else it's just going to suck the life out of you.
You're young and you've got loads going for you - don't waste it on a guy who's just keeping you stuck in a sad place.
All the best
:)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2013): I think it is just you coming to terms with your relationship that has been wrong for far too long. I was in a similar situation as you. I am 20 and was with a man for nearly 2 years. People change, especially from being a teenager and maturing into a young adult. Our eyes sort of begin to open at this stage in our lives. We begin to see things for what they really are. You sound like a confident strong girl who can handle anything. You deserve THE BEST that is out there. Do NOT settle for anything less. With my situation, I was using my boyfriend's car, and not working at the time. I had no independence and I felt miserable. I felt like a child and it bothered me. I just recently purchased a car of my own and am still continuing school at my university. It feels good to be independent. It feels like you have a voice that can finally be heard. It is nice to have responsibility and the freedom to do whatever and wherever. You said yourself you are miserable. You cannot spend your entire life making others happy. I think you should move on and enjoy your new found independence. Both of us are still young and have so much to experience in life. Spread your wings and see what else is out there.
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