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male
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*ssenna
writes: Hi,I (I'm 43) have met this women that I am very taken with, however I don't want children. We have not been going out long, but in talking have found out that getting married and having children is high on her list.If a women (age 31) has always loved children and has mentioned that she wants children of her own, do you think this need to have children will ever go away or would the women in question say she does not want children, but then change her mind later ? I don't want to get into a relationship where this becomes an issue later. The child thing is a big issue to me. What I'm saying is this , the short term goings on are great... however we need to be on the same page long term.ThanksBrian Your thoughts and wisdom would be appreciated.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (4 July 2006):
 The issue of children is a dealbreaker. I have seen marriages end because the couples involved did not broach this subject before going through with marriage and found out later on that one did not want children.
How would you feel if she put pressure on you to have children? What if the kind of pressure she put on you amounted to emotional blackmail or verbal abuse? The need to have children is a very strong driver of other emotions (and subsequent actions) and one cannot simply turn off this basic need for the benefit of the other person.
Don't pin your long term hopes on being able to change her mind. This kind of thinking will only lead to deeper hurt in the future. Your instinct knows what needs to happen next. I've read between the lines of your post.
Good luck and take care.
A
female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (4 July 2006):
 I think you need to just be upfront with her and tell her straight out. Im not sure what sort of woman she is so im not sure if the wanting child thing will fade. I am 31 and some days I think yeah I want kids.. the next I think no I dont.. but have always said that I want children, I guess im getting a little older now and think if im gonna do it, im gonna do it sooner rather than later. Sometimes I can see myself with them othertimes i cant. So you cant really say for sure how she is going to feel about it unless you actually ask her. Thing is she could say no i dont want children, then all of a sudden later on indeed think, actually I do, at this age she has an option open to her, thats how i feel anyway, that I can decide at any point with the correct partner of course to have children or not. She might not like the idea of that option being totally removed. She may also view the fact that if your not happy wanting children and she does then she may have to find another partber elsewhere, I dont mean that as harsh at it sounds, she obviously likes you but by telling her at least you are letting her make the choice and you wont have to cross the bridge later on when things could get trickier! I think your right in the fact that this will cause an issue later on and im glad to see your thinking about it now and not when it comes up! She will probably thank you your honesty. But i guess dont go boldering in there shouting i dont want kids, Just try and start a conversation on the topic somehow and then get round to that type of conversation, Then once it crops up come out and tell her how you feel about children and that you never really planned to have them etc... its better to know whats going on now than later on, plus we never know where each relationship will take us, and it might be that you two do view things the same after all. I dont know how long you have been together and how she feels about you, so maybe test the water in anycase and see how goes.
Take care x
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (4 July 2006):
 Well Brian I think you had better not count on long term here. To have or not have children has to be settled up front or there will be major problems down the line. Some women are truly not fulfilled without becoming a mother. I guess you need to keep looking.
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