A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Alright so my story is a bit long winded but bear with me. My spouse and I have been together almost 4 years for marriage (next month) and had dated 3 years more or less before marriage. The beginning of our courtship was all roses like most but we soon had bumps along the way. We worked through it and eventually got married. We had been living together before marriage so not much was new and we were happy but things got bumpy. My spouse had a lot of personal problems (everyone does) that conflicted with mine but we tried to make things work. Throughout our marriage we talked about divorcing several times but we decided not to and to try to make it work. I then went to leave without him when I left for a job abroad (I was to be gone almost 3 years and see him twice roughly) but after a year I had to come back. He has since started another job that caused us to move. We decided to live apart because logical it would work (if I went into details it would make it less anonymous but there is a good reason why we did). Now we see each other once a week. During my stay abroad we still argued (we have always argued a fair amount) and we had considered separating officially there but due to an injury I didn't because I came home. While back home we still talked about divorce and eventually decided we could each see other people. I thought I would have a fling as would he and eventually I would realize I just wanted him and no I do not know if he is seeing anyone. So I had his permission to see other people and dated this guy who I ended up sleeping with (my husband and I have a do not tell policy to each other) and we are crazy about each other. This guy doesn't have an issue with seeing me because before anything happened I was honest about my marriage and he felt my husband was not being a husband which is in a sense was true (obviously the same could be said about me). So this guy has a steady job and is working up his career ladder, very positive, lots of friend, great family, and so on. No one is perfect and he surely is not perfect (the lover) but he is great to be around. Great positive energy, very emotive, loving, compliments me, we have great sex, loves to cuddle, wants me to find my directions in life, wants to see my happy, and so on. Basically he fulfills some of the things I wish my husband could incorporate into our marriage. I cannot change my husband of course but I have asked him towards working on being more emotive, complimentary, and romantic but alas he says he cannot change in any way, not even meeting the middle, so that is unfortunate. I am young and have no kids so I have been seriously considering divorcing my husband not for this guy obviously (one fouled marriage has taught me) but for myself. I am also thinking it would be fairer to this other guy if I left my spouse and allowed us to really give our relationship (about two months now) a better go. Oh and this guy also recently told me he loved me and I was like you are nuts but he said he will convince me. The only bump beside the obvious (I'm married duh) is that he is Indian and his parents might not approve of a white (I'm Hispanic but to him a white) so if things get that serious that might be an issue. Basically he is looking for a life partner. Someone to grow with and ideally he would love to do his job and use his extra income (he would be making plenty) to open a shop for me of my choice so he can earn some extra cash and I can do what I most want in life. It is quite overwhelming to have someone so caring when you are not used to it. Oh and he is not looking to jump into marriage because work is his priority right now – marriage would come at the appropriate time. So my question (I told you it was long) is does it seem like I have exhausted all my options with my spouse? Does this lover seem genuine? Would it be more fair to me, my spouse, and my lover if I divorced? Thanks.
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female
reader, kitti3_08 +, writes (11 January 2009):
Its TiMe 2 move on... & the OnLy WaY yU can do that is 2 get a divorce... its seems to me like yu have tried everything yu & ur husband so its time to stop beating a dead horse & move on with both of ur lives.... its not gonna be very long until ur lover & yu Get even more serious & its only fair to him tht yu get a divorce cuz its gonna start eating at him... sure u found love at the wrong. Time & place but its 2009 & time for a change & let's stop making these same mistakes.... & as for ur husband yu can bring a dog to the pond but yu can't make him drink & yu can't force him 2 be romanic & loving & if he really cared he would meet yu in the middle but that ship has sailed a long time ago & he seeing sum1 also otherwise yu guys would have tht "No Tell Policy" he has his life so yu need 2 start really living urs without having the fact that ur married lingering in the back of ur mind there is no need 2 feel bad & yu cants save a marriage tht doesn't have both partys putting in effort... so my advice is get the divorce because this love triangle is been going on for way 2 long and yu have a great guy sitting around waiting for yu to let go of the past & a good guy like tht doesn't come around 2 often! Good luck & lemme know how its goes :-D
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): I don;t think it matters whether this guy is 'for real' or not, time will tell. The main issue here is that you are in a marriage that is NOTHING that a marriage should be. There is no reason to remain in it that I can see from your post. You should divorce so you can both move on.
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