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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi, i am writing this because i am having a relationship with my ex teacher. I left school 6 years ago and we have been in a relationship for the past two years.He is the best man i have ever met in my life and i love him to bits. He was married when we started going out, but his marriage had been going down hill since their eldest child left home, and after he had met me he told his wife it was over. I am 22 now, he is 46, and he has just got his divorce through. But while we love one another madly, he has been feeling down because his children no longer bother with him. They ignore his phone calls and texts and it is heartbreaking to see him so broken by their refusal to even see him.At school he had never bothered me, so it wasn't a relationship based on our previous acquaintance, but the night we met there was just this spark between us that i have never felt with any guys my age.Now i am feeling guilty because his children obviously wont speak to him because he is with me, and i have told him that if he wants we can break up, but he won't hear of it and even i couldn't bear it if it did end between us. I am at my wits end because i love him passionately and i am sure one day he may hold all we have got but what he has lost, against me for the rest of his life. Please help!!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2006): Well in that case, maybe they see you as someone who might leech onto him because of his assets? Possibly maybe they feel uncomfortable that their possible-step mom is younger than them? I think it it is the second one, then that will just take time. Otherwise, things will just to be proven over effort.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2006): I'd like to add, that the kids from his marriage arent young any more. The eldest is 23 and the youngest 21. Even they knew their parents were not in love any more. I just think they should grow up myself, i know its hard for them but thats life and they have to deal with it.
They are both at university so its not as though they live at home and are sheltered from the scandals of life.
Even my man's ex wife doesnt blame me for their break up. So i don't see why her children cannot.
Oh and i would like to say to male anon that i already work with the elderly, and my man is far from becoming like them.
Thanks for all your advice. Especially jessekk9 and martini.
P
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female
reader, jessekk69  +, writes (2 December 2006):
 i just wanna say im so happy for you finding someone who you loves and who loves you back, and who cares he may be older, happiness is the main this. and also i wanna say i totally agree with Martini and totally disagree with male anon who posted the first question. (feel the fear and do it anyway)jessekk69 xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2006): Marriage downhill or not, he didn't leave until you were in his life. You are and were the thing that split up their marriage. While you are with him that will always be the case. I'm guessing that his kids are roughly your age too. Sounds like it's been hard on them and it's unfair to expect them to forget that to make your relationship better. For whatever reason, they have been forced to take sides. they didn't plan that or want it. Why should they make your life easy? You did them no favours, or their mother. Their world has been rocked. People might like to think that long-term marriages split and everyone involved just has to be cool and accepting about it but that's not the way things work. This won't go away. It is the price he has to pay - and you too. Sorry.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2006): I wouldn't go as far to say the relationship is wrong. There isn't anything wrong with it. Not all older people when they get older need to be taken care of. Just as not all younger people need a father figure.
The thing is, your bf needs to have a talk with his kids. I'm pretty sure a lot of them not having to do anything with their dad, has to do with the mom. Also, the influence that they feel you're an obstacle for them ever getting back together again is also one thing to look at.
What can you do? Well, his children don't like you and think their dad is a bad person. Can't change that about them, unless they are willing to be less ignorant and more perceptive. This is a problem on their side.
The only most probable way to change this is to split with your bf. Otherwise, you're going to go down the path having this guilt trip.
What you can also do is split with him temporarily, and ask him to go sort out the problem with his kids, meaning also telling them it had nothing to do with you, etc, and later, if things work out, you two can come back together. Play it by ear you know?
He's not going to hold this against you, cuz this is something he chose to do. If he does hold it against you, then he's a dishonorable person that you need not worry about.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2006): Get a job in a nursing home so you cn see what the remainder of your life will be like (taking care of Gramps). Then once reality hits, terminate this silly relationship before you are locked into the relationship from hell. His kids are right; you should get out of this man's life.
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