A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my husband and I haven't had an intimate relationship for over a year. we have been married for 7 years and we have had sex on average twice a month. He always has excuses, he is tired, he had to work and study, he lost his dad and he was sad, he is stressed out, and all the while I am not understanding and when you talk to him it's all my fault and to some extend it's all normal to have so little sex. We have so much problems and especially with my pregnancy and postpartum depression, I am at a point that I can't be positive and try more. I really don't know what to do. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (18 July 2010):
 I disagree with Johanna, but not completely, because it is a possibility. I've seen enough to believe the low libido/stress answer. And I recently saw the movie Date Night, which deals with exactly this problem of being too busy to take time for each other.
I see that you are identifying his troubles as well as yours in the development of this situation. It sounds like you have both had a rough year or two. I am also sure that economic worries are also adding to that stress.
When you say you can't be positive and try more, it looks like you are asking for permission to end the relationship formally. I'm not keen on giving that permission, and you really don't need my permission. Conversely, people tend to be happier five years later if they fix the marriage as opposed to divorcing. Based on that, and the lack of abuse or infidelity in the relationship, I would counsel you to try more. Now lets look at those conditions.
First Abuse. Abuse is not just physical violence. It can be emotional or verbal, Like telling you that you are not a good wife, and belittling your efforts. It can also be neglect. Either not providing your physical needs, or not providing your emotional needs. I think there is some possibility that you may feel abused in this relationship.
Second the question of fidelity. 2 times a month is not a high level of sexual activity. When you throw in depression over a death, I wouldn't say your sexless year is a smoking gun. But I am guessing. Snooping is never accepted well, but asking him outright could be reasonable at this point. Remember that there is more than one kind of infidelity. Some are easier to forgive than others. He may be replacing his sexual activity with you with pornography use. He may be devoting his energy to work, sport, or a hobby. All of these, while good in moderation, could rob you of the time you need with him. In marriage the agreement is to put your spouse ahead of all others.
The problem you identify first is that you are not getting enough physical intimacy. He needs to know that. He also needs to stop making excuses and start finding solutions. The sad fact is, that if you aren't getting your needs met by him, you will certainly find someone willing to meet those needs. Even if it leads you to sorrow in the long run. It is unreasonable to expect fidelity from a person who is not satisfied.
The best way to approach this is as a challenge that you can solve together. Not his weakness. Not your neediness. Just a bump in the road. When you solve it together you will become a stronger couple.
I've given you a lot to think about. Part of it depends on your honest evaluation of the relationships status.
FA
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010): He may first of all need medication or other help, from a doctor. Second, besides times where one is grieving over the loss of a loved one, you have to make time for sex. You both have to agree to a certain time of the day where you'll have no chores or interruptions..not answer the phone, walk the dog.. nothing, besides have sex. Try this once a week, or every few days, but try to make an honest commitment where you'll both say, "Hey, let's go have sex", "leave the dishes for later".. "I'll do laundry after..", etc. Once you both get used to the idea of agreeing on whatever time of the day, you'll get better at repeating the habit. When it comes to stressed out couples, you have to make it a habit, or it will never feel as important as the busy agendas of the day, such as chores, work, paying the bills, shopping.. You have to make room, and both tell each other to stop for a second, and go do it.
If my wife waited a year to give me anything, I'd seriously not be married any longer, because sex is very important to maintain, to aid in building and keeping a healthy relationship. Sex, itself, is a stress reliever, and keeps you both positive and happy during the worst of the stressful moments. The worse the stress, the more time for sex, you should make. One should not deny their partner sex, just as not handing out the odd kiss or hug would be giving up on one another. As tense as one or the other may get during their day or evening, always slow down each others' racing minds with a kiss here and there, even if it's while standing and in passing. Stop him when he passes by you or goes out the door, and just hug him close and don't let go for about a half a minute. Start with that, each day, and work towards getting the kisses back, but always ask him if he wants to have sex when you want to have sex.. don't wait for him to ask, or he won't, as stressed out as he is.
Some guys get afraid they won't be able to perform well when they're stressed, so don't force the times where he says he really doesn't want to, and tell him you don't care if he's full of energy when you do it, but that you're just happy going through the motions. Then he won't feel pressured, either.
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A
female
reader, johannabanana +, writes (18 July 2010):
 Alot of times when a man isn't sleeping with his wife it is because he is being intimate with some one else. Men like sex.. If he is always busy and running late, and doesn't have time for you it's time to pry and spy... I realize trust should be respected but there is a reason he won't touch you. Also if you are pregnant with your first child he may not be ready to be a father like he thought. No man in love would not have sex with his wife for a year. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this but it is highly probable he has another woman stealing all his attention so that there is none left for you.
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A
female
reader, Maidengirl101 +, writes (18 July 2010):
 I say give him some space dont be pushy and he will come around sometime he might not be as horny as he used to be but thats just part of getting older in all married cupoles you might not have sex as much but I am sure he loves you and just wants to settle down a bit for now
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