A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hi everyone! Oh where to start... well ever since my very first boyfriend at 13 i've never had one guy stay faithful! Now dont get me wrong at the age of 13 you cant exactly be planning weddings and lives together but it still had an effect on my personality. Iv had alot of bad experiences with men, not just boyfriends but family members too. I think that might have something to do with the way i am today! When i was 14 I met a guy, we took things slowly because of my age and got into a long term relationship. All in all we were together 2 and a half years but again it came to an end when he cheated on a drunken night out. Since then i've got over it and moved on. now i'm 18 and have met someone els who iv been seeing for 8months. He's absolutely fabulous! He does everything to keep me happy and i do think he genuinely loves me. I trust him but not entirely and i can't determine why! I honestly dont believe he would cheat but my jealousy is spiralling out of control and i'm scared it could spell the end for us. For example i found out someone who he'd slept with in the past and it made me sick for days i just kept going over and over the thought of them together in my head. It just made me feel like i couldn't continue our relationship and when i hear myself say that it sounds pathetic!! What can i do! x
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2009): Firstly, your self-esteem took a big knock when you were treated badly, in your past. So this is why your fears have come back to haunt you. We all do that..it's human. You want us to allay the fears, but you are doing the right thing already, by taking the time to get to know your new guy's character. You are learning about his past track record, his past habits and figure out if any of that was inappropriate, immature behaviors. From what I read, you said he slept with another female. This was not unusual and you have no right to feel so 'jealous'. That's toxic and damaging. Learn that right away. The guy had a life before you. No big deal.
Pain and hurt happen to all of us in dating relationships, hun. We pick ourselves up, dust off our knees and get back at it. This is life. If you want to avoid any hurt in your life, you may as well be in a coma. You need to understand that one's past bad relationships were learning mistakes. Much of this is due to impulsiveness, not discerning, not using your head and going blindly with your feelings, only. You learned from it, you are aware and you've figured out why you did allow people in your life, who hurt you. Do you understand why it happened, why you made those past choices?
This new guy sounds awesome and it sounds like you have learned what a healthy relationship looks like and what a healthy man looks like, so now, you can stop living in fear of the scars you acquired from the past. Be positive, be bright and happy, smile, laugh and have fun with this new guy. Lets the cards fall where they may. You need to relax...and enjoy. If needed and when the time comes, never be afraid to set boundaries in a relationship. It lets a loved one know what you won't tolerate in a relationship. Be strong, be clear on that but remain calm and discuss maturely. Good luck dear and keep using your head.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2009): It's normal to feel jealous about someone you like being with someone else. You just have to tell yourself that it was before they knew you, and look toward the future.
And FYI--you probably don't trust him 100% because you are not stupid. Always keep your eyes open when dealing with humans. They are a slippery bunch of mammals. :)
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