A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:After the fact and the wedding, my significant other told me that he helped his son pay for his daughter-in-law's engagement ring to the tune of $800.00.It was suppose to be secret and only between him and his son.My significant other is divorced.His son has a job and so does his daughter-in-law.I never interfere, because they are not my children.I guess I'm old school. In my first marriage, I am widowed, my husband got me an engagement ring he could afford and it wasn't fancy and I didn't need a fancy ring and I loved the ring. But, he bought it himself and was proud of that fact.If you can't afford an engagement ring, maybe you shouldn't buy one that is so expensive and not in your budget or wait and save up for one. Or not get married yet.What if his daughter-in-law finds out her now husband never paid for the ring.The son is not paying back my significant other for the engagement ring.I think a family member buying my engagement ring would take away from it.That is my thought. Maybe I got it all wrong and adult children are doing things differently these days.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2015): My concern is that this is a "secret."
Obviously, the son did not tell his new wife that his father paid for her engagement ring.
His son must want his new wife to think he bought the ring, when he didn't, when his father did.
Essentially, his son lied to his new wife.
I don't know if that is a good way to start out a marriage.
Otherwise, I would consider it a wonderful gift, if the new daughter-in-law knows how her engagement ring was bought.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 October 2015):
 I am 55 and my daddy helps me all the time. I have no issue with it. It makes my life easier. My current engagement ring wedding band set are custom made but use my mothers gold and diamonds from her rings. Hubby only paid for the work to be done. it was 1/3 of what the ring set is worth.
my son is 29 and married and I help him when I can. he and his wife did not want a diamond for her ring so he handled it.
just because our children are adults does not mean we don't help them. As long as they were raised right and don't expect or demand the help I see no problem with parents helping financially when they can.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 October 2015):
 A LOT of traditions are tied in with the engagement/wedding ring/sets. Some GIVE their son their OWN (the mother's ) engagement ring to give to their fiance - some save up (there are all kind of rules of HOW much you "should" spend, depending on what country you live in) - some let the fiance (the woman) PICK out which ring she wants, others don't.
I think like Cindy, that there are NO right or wrong here.
IF your SO can afford to give his son a gift like this, WHY not?
I would NOT be offended that my future SO had help from his dad buying a VERY special piece of jewelry. Your SO is not "buying" the ring (as in picking it out etc) he is PAYING for the ring (as in the financial aspect of it). I would take it as a "the in-laws" like me enough to help buy me this amazing ring.
When I got married my MOM paid for my wedding dress. She didn't tell me beforehand, she just surprised me. I would have worn her wedding dress (cutest Jackie Kennedy inspired outfit) but I'm almost a head taller than my mom was.
My parents have always believed that a monetary gift is BETTER given when NEEDED than later.
I think AS LONG as this gift doesn't affect your shared budget that it is ENTIRELY up to your SO if he wants to give this gift or not.
I don't think there are any rules set in stone on this subject.
NOW, I do understand where you are coming from. That if the groom can't afford the ring, then maybe.. marriage should wait. BUT in this day and age, the ring IS NOT longer a symbol of the groom ability to take care of his wife/family financially as it was in the past.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (8 October 2015):
 My daughter recently got married. I paid for [amongst other things] her wedding band and my son-in-law's wedding bands. Yes both of them are working and could easily have afforded it, however it gave me great pleasure to get them their wedding bands. For all of us, it was the pleasure of giving and had nothing to do with the monetary value of the rings.
I do think this is a very personal issue, and each person will feel differently about it. If your SO was happy to buy the ring, so be it, it was his money after all.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 October 2015):
 I think there is no right or wrong, it's simply a matter of different opinions, tastes and habits.
Personally, I don't see what's the big deal. So your SO gave a gift to his son, in the guise of pitching in for the engagement ring. If he can afford it without going through hardships, what's the problem if once in a while he wants to give something nice to his son ? Considering that the son is generally not a moocher , is self supporting and is not known ( hopefully ) for taking advantage . Rather than giving him, I don't know, golf clubs, or a new PC ot TV set, or 800 in cash- he chose to help out a bit in a very special moment of his son's life and to contribute making it making even more special and joyous.
Anybody over 18 is a grown up child and in theory able to fend for himself. And yet there are zillions of parents who willingly CHOOSE to help out not only with their kids ' tuition costs ( which is much more expensive than a ring )but by buying them their first car, or taking on themselves part, or all of the expenses for their wedding, or buying them the nursery's furniture when the first grandchild arrives.
Again, if the parents can comfortably afford it, and if the son/ daughter is not lazy/ irresponsible / a user, where's the problem ?. Family is not a commercial firm, where every dollar which goes out must be matched by a dollar coming in. There's also the great sheer PLEASURE of giving, and of seeing the persons you hold dearest and closest in the world smiling because , with your help, they got something nice they otherwise could not have quite afforded.
That's different from spoiling your children. The idea would be to make them independent, self supporting and conscious of the value of money. But if they actually ARE, and do not get into debts ,or blow their salary on gambling and drinks etc., on short if they act rational and responsible , what's wrong in being occasionally generous ?!
As for the symbolic value of the wedding ring, and the satisfaction for the future groom of having bought it all by himself... that's a matter of opinions too and personal feelings. I am sure that many future husbands would feel like your first husband- but other men would instead see the positive and be happy in having parents who back you all the way and delight in sharing , even at a practical financial level,the important moments of their life.
What happens if the girl knows that her engagement ring has been bought with the help or her father in law ?..
I don't know, but let me tell you, if it had been me, I would have been ELATED . Simply thrilled.
Unluckily, I got the kind of in-laws, instead, that , although being occasionally generous too ( for instance they helped their son pay for expensive dental treatment )
always made very sure that the gift was for their son only and NOT something I could partake or enjoy too- not even a green plant for the house !
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (8 October 2015):
 You have your opinions and they are valid. That's it. What can you achieve by interfering? Have you talked to your partner about this?
Do you have children? If so they too should have £800 each. What they spend it on is up to them.
I think betrothed couples should be given a lump sum that covers the wedding, the ring and the present. How they then divide up and allocate the money is then up to them. Spend a lot on a posh wedding and there isn't so much for the gift etc.
One final word to the wise - don't let this become a source of friction between you and your partner. He should have discussed this with you first but in the final analysis if it's his money he can do as he chooses.
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