A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm so lost right now.. And I'm headed to the worst place I've been in a while..Since I was about fourteen, I've struggled to honestly love myself. I've suffered from depression as well as multiple eating disorders, one of which lasted for seven years, up until about a year-and-a-half ago. Now, I've gained control over my eating habits, and food is very much of a non-issue.Since I was sixteen, I've been in-and-out of relationships; anywhere from meaningless ones to serious ones. From seventeen, I've had two serious relationships - one is the one I'm in now, with my husband.In that time, I've not once been single to try and figure out what it is about Me that I honestly like. I've never taken the time to get to know myself outside of a relationship. Whenever I'm in one, I beat myself up constantly because I don't feel good enough as a person to make another happy.In the start of our relationship, I suffered from severe restractive jealousy. I put my husband through Hell on a daily basis because he mentioned his ex so much in the beginning (all bad things, but it was constant). I always felt like I wasn't good enough to erase her memory for him. They were both young when they dated (in highschool), and it was a very tumultuous relationship - full of drama, cheating, break-ups, make-ups, etc. Nothing at all to be jealous of, but it consumed my entire existence.I questioned myself on a daily basis whether or not I was good enough for him, or for anyone - even life. He always assured me that I was, but the feelings never went away. I began going to therapy at his request, and also began taking medication for depression. It seemed to help somewhat, but the recurring thougths never lessened, I just got better at putting them out of my focus. I even switched medications because one worsened the thoughts I had.Things with our relationship were very good in the beginning minus all of that. It was a whirlwind romance. I felt as though I loved him unconditionally. We were he best of friends, and were very compatible. We said I Love You after a week, I lost my virginity to him after three weeks, we began living together after seven months, got engaged after a year and a half, and married a year after that. It seems like a gradual and natural progression, but given all the red flags we had waving at us, I feel now that things moved too quickly.The night before we got engaged, I had a breakdown and told him that I was waiting for him to leave me. He calmed me down and assured me that he wasn't going to (which he obviously didn't), and we moved on.Now here we are.. Not even a year into our marriage, and I've still questioned myself every step of the way. When he's left for an evening to hang out with friends and I've stayed home, I feel as though I'm the only person in the world. My thoughts start racing, and my emotions start to become unmanageable, and I'm left to hope that I can pull through.For the past three months, all we've done is argue over anything from stupid petty things to serious issues. It was exhausting. About a month-and-a-half ago, I asked my husband for a bit of a break. I mentioned that I had thought about staying with a friend anywhere from a week to a month to try and sort out for myself what exactly I was expecting from ME, not from me in a relationship. He immediately said that it was a terrible idea, and said that he didn't see any good coming from it. We both said from hurtful things to each other, but I stayed. Things got worse. I even asked for a divorce at that point, and he broke down sobbing saying that he would do anything and change anything to keep me. Unfortunately, he isn't the problem.We decided to give couple's counseling a go, although I didn't feel this was a couple's issue, so I went reluctantly. I was honest with her and told her that my feelings towards needing to take time for myself hadn't changed. She told us at the end of the session that we both had demons that we han't conquered prior to getting together, and that we got married too soon, and my husband didn't take kindly to that. After a day of thinking about it, he approached me with the idea to dial back our marriage, and to just go back to being friends before anything else, along with nurturing our own independence. I agreed. After a week of me simply doing my own thing around the house, he came to me and said that I was neglecting him. I didn't quite understand, as he said to focus on ourselves for a bit. We argued yet again.Now - today - I'm filing for divorce. My life doesn't feel worth anything in this marriage, and believe me, it's not his fault by any means. I know he wants (wanted) to help me through it, but it's honestly not something he can do for me. I want to focus on myself for once, and not feel like I have to be something for someone when I don't even know who I honestly am as a person. I've explained this to him numerous times, and all he does is accuse me of cheating and leaving him for someone else. Another relationship is honestly the last thing on my mind.. He's told me, "You're making the biggest mistake of your life. I know you're going to go out there, fuck maybe three or four guys, wind up getting pregnant in about eighteen months, and either have it and ruin your life, or get an abortion. You're going to need some serious therapy for the moves you're making."Since all of this began happening, my husband has said some very hurtful things to me, as I have to him. There's no going back at this point even if we wanted to. He's told me that I'm wrong in this, and that no one supports me. Over the past couple of nights, he's told me, "Doesn't it tell you something when the people you thought were your friends come to me and support me and not you? Doesn't that tell you what you're doing is wrong? I've even asked people to give you some support, and I'll bet not one of them has." He's right. Not one person has stood behind me in this, except for maybe my parents and brother. So not only do I hate myself in the context of my relationship, but I now feel more alone than ever, and I don't even feel worthy of this life. I feel as though every move I make is wrong, and that I'll never honestly be accepted.I know marriage is difficult, and I know I got married too soon. I shouldn't have promised my life to someone - my best to someone - when I didn't even know what that was. Now I'm hurting him, he's hurting me, and I'm the one losing regardless of what step I take.It just sucks that, as people, we weren't given a set of instructions on how live life, and yet when you try to live life the way you think is best for you, you're scolded and told that you're wrong. Would it have been right for me to stay being unhappy with someone, push though more therapy, take more medication, push more emotions aside..? No. Would that have been fair to either of us? No. But is it right to take this step for myself, let him find a person who can honestly love him because they love themselves, and allow myself to find the Me that I'M accepting of? I guess not.I feel so alone.. I just don't know what to do anymore, and I'm feeling I'm becoming numb to idea of ever loving again. Has anyone ever been through this? Where you think you're doing the right thing, even though you're terrified (yes, this very well could be the wrong decision, but it's a decision I'm making for ME), and even though you're being told you're wrong, you still do it, and come out okay and happier in the end? I was fine with my decision in the beginning, but his words have broken me down and made me feel absolutely worthless.. Like I'll be nothing without him. I want to be everything I can be for me first and foremost.. But right now it seems impossible..
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a break, abortion, divorce, engaged, his ex, I love you, jealous, lost my virginity Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (9 August 2012):
 You are feeling alone because once again you have allowed your insecurities about yourself to cloud your judgement and drive a wedge between the one person who has truly stood by you, in spite of how you have treated him. I think instead of going to couples counseling you should get a therapist for yourself so you can learn how to be happy and appreciate those around you, who truly love you. Because you have never learned how to love yourself, you are incapable of loving someone else, and that's why you have ripped your marriage apart. The outcome of your next relationship will be no different until you get help. This problem is not your husband's fault and in spite of everything he still wanted you to stay. Maybe you do need to be on your own for awhile, but while you are there, get some help. You have truly got some deep seated issues that will continue to drive people away from you for the rest of your life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2012): I am going through the same thing. And I am very sorry you are having to go through it, too, because there are few things more difficult to endure.
At the end of the day, you must find the strength you have within yourself and decide to live YOUR life, listen to YOUR own heart, and do what makes YOU happy.
It is not an easy road. But making tough decisions isn't easy. And sometimes the right decisions are the toughest to make. I sat on my decision to leave my unhappy marriage for years. Looking back, I wish I had the courage to make that decision and stand by it back then. I made it in January of this year. I pretty much alienated all of my family members, who to this day, do not agree with my decision. Everybody believes him to be this great guy, some saint. And they called me crazy for leaving him, telling me I will never find better...
I chose to silence their voices and those voices of doubt they were trying to instill in me. At the end of the day, when I listen to that voice inside me, my own inner voice, the one that guides me, and the one that I trust more than anything or anyone else in this world, it told me that I do not love my husband anymore and that this marriage was over. You can pretend, ignore, deny, make excuses. But in the end you must face the truth and have the courage to stand by your own truth, regardless of what anyone else says or thinks.
I am hoping that in time my family will get over it. I am hoping in time I will make new friends. Because I have lost so many of the friends I now have. If you want to really know who your friends are, go through a troubled time in your life. So many will not reach out to support you. They will simply disappear. You don't need them anyway. But if you do have even one good friend, lean on them. It is so important to be able to talk about and share your feelings. I am fortunate to have one good friend who stayed with me on the phone for four hours and listened to me unload when I was having a really difficult day. She actually listened. And she made me laugh. I hung up the phone feeling better and with a smile on my face. If there is anyone you can talk to, even if you find a separation support group on the internet, I think it would help you so much.
I have done this without a job or a place to stay. I did this without a safety net. It has been the most stressful time in my life and the scariest. Because your life as you know it has disappeared and you are entering the unknown all alone. And I have a child to think about. My soon to be ex was controlling and treated me like a possession and not an equal. He has been verbally abusive and has tried to run my life. One cannot deal with a life full of put downs and a person who does not value you enough to respect your independence and your right to that. Everyone else that knows him, does not KNOW him like I do. They do not live with him day to day or are in a marriage with him. It is easy to portray the person you want everyone to believe you are when in fact it is not the real person.
I don't know if I will ever find anyone else. From what I hear, the world is full of jerks and losers. But that is a chance I am taking. It is better to be alone than in a relationship you know is not working. Sadly, so many people stay in relationships because they are comfortable and familiar and most especially because they do not have the guts to get out of their unhappy situation.
You have guts and I admire you for that. It is not an easy time. Know that you are not alone. I understand that feeling. I have felt very alone since I made this decision. I have been shunned by so many and it hurt to especially be rejected by my own parents. But I have become strong and more resolved in my decision.
You cannot live your life for others or to please others. We have only one life and it is so, so short. The best advice I have been given is that you have to weather the storm to come out on the other side. It's going to be tough for awhile but like everything in life, this shall soon pass. And you will be left looking at the sunshine and be proud of yourself for taking a stand and living the life you deserve.
Hang in. Have faith. Be strong. If you know it is right in your heart, listen to your heart. Ignore everyone else. You will never be happy if you are living their life and not yours. What gets me through, too, is finding an outlet to relieve my stress such as exercise. This heals you incredibly. If you can find the time to do an activity just for you that nourishes your body and soul, this is going to go a long way to keeping you focused and strong. And never be afraid to laugh. Laughter is truly the best medicine and stress reliever. It has helped me get through some tough times.
But remember, you are not alone. Be your own best friend. Nobody will ever treat you better than you treat yourself. Stand firm in your decision. Believe in your heart.
Good luck. It is going to work out. Don't worry. : )
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