A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi! I lost my beloved mom 1.5 years ago and I still miss her like crazy. I have an estranged father and a loving fiancé with a loving family. I've been through therapy for a while and found it very helpful, the shrink herself said I was good to go and ready to face life again- which is actually true... Too bad, lately I've been waking up in the middle of the night after terrible dreams about my mom with her telling me she's about to die, with me at the hospital with her dying and suffering, with me crying in despair because I know she's about to die and asking her to take me with her- and I wake up with a thumping heart, screaming and crying. How can I get over this? I thought it'd take time but I'm still here, struggling really hard, after such a long time. I'm an atheist, so I don't have any kind of religious consolation. Have you ever experienced such a terrible loss? If so, how did you survive? Did you have nightmares and did you have the feeling like you were never going to get over it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): We all will die. Once you can calmly accept that and say that without fear or dread, you will be on your path to peace.
Your mother was happy to hear about all your everyday things. It made her day to see you bubbly and happy. She would regret it if you felt guilty for brightening her days.
There is more to your story than what you have divulged.
An estranged father is the elephant in the room.
If you make a space for your mother at your wedding, if open your heart to her, she is inside it. She will be there if you want her to be. I do not mean in ghost form, or anything like that. I mean in the sense that you are her legacy, she is part of you and that can never change.
Don't weep about what you have lost on that day. Smile and remember what you had.
Bereavement support is definitely indicated here for you.
A
male
reader, bini magna  +, writes (1 October 2012):
 let me start by this condolence word**''life is eternal and love is immortal and death is only a horizon and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.''** hey friend ofcourse i haven't had any experience of death of a parent but i imagine it would be heart breaking and deep sorrow.grieving the death of a parent is never easy, but with loving self care it becomes manageable. If u ask me how, well it is a bit wide to write down but has an important tips that u r gonna get 4m z internet.well go to 1.ginigrey.com/loveBug/self_care_tips.
2.www.essortment.com/coping_loss_parent
3.www.recover_from_grief.com/death_of_mother. Well by reading this u get atleast somethin and hope u'll be fine.good luck
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (1 October 2012):
 Ah but you do have remorse that you never really got to say goodbye ON YOUR TERMS so you’re ANGRY with your mom for not telling you the truth and giving you time to process it. And guess what, it’s OK to be angry with her for not treating you like an adult and giving you the right to grieve your loss ON YOUR TERMS. Was she controlling before she got sick?
I am getting Married Saturday and I am sad my mom will not know my fiancé. But I have great memories of her before she got sick… and the times we shared… I want to take my fiancé to the cemetery and “introduce him” to mom…
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, I don't feel guilty. She didn't even tell me she was terribly sick up until the end because that was how much she loved me and she didn't want me to worry. I kept visiting her on a daily basis talking about shallow stuff, giggling and telling her about my job, my shopping, my shoes.... totally clueless having no idea about her painful sleepless nights and terrible days. When I was around her, she just put on her brave face and smiled. To think about that still breaks my heart. I think I'll never get over that. I have no regerets, as I loved her to bits and I'll never ever love anyone again like I loved her. I would have talked to her her more, reassured her, cuddled her even more had I known, but she just did not want me to know she was sick, that was her will.But she's not around now and it's awful cos I'm getting married soon and she never got to know my fiancé, I'll never know what she thinks of him, she won't be at my wedding and...she'll be missing out on pretty much everything that's gonna happen to me. The mirror thing is so true, SoVeryConfused, when I look at myself in the mirror I see her own eyes which is both beautiful and heartbreaking. I wonder what the whole point of living is if we all end up in pain eventually die. The image of my dying mom in her hospital bed, suffering, moaning and crying is going to haunt me forever.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 October 2012):
My mom died when I was 35. She had cancer. I was with her for the last few weeks 24/7 and cared for her. She begged me to end her life…. Over and over… sometimes for hours on end. it was very traumatic. She was being very selfish then and I had to explain to her that even if I could manage to physically pull off the task she asked me to do, that legally I would go to jail and could not comply with her literally dying wish.
That was 1995. I still think of her almost daily. (Every time I look in the mirror to be honest) and miss her horribly. It’s 17 years, I still cry. I still miss her. It never stops when it’s your mom.
Did you have bereavement counseling? That’s a bit different than therapy… and very important to move on if you can’t get past your pain and loss. My dad had some from Hospice after my mom died and it helped him tremendously.
Do you feel guilty about something concerning your mom’s death?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): I'm 17 and lost my mom when I was 16.
It was so hard for me.
Personally, I don't think you ever get over things like this but time heals wounds.
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male
reader, StupidGuyOhyes  +, writes (1 October 2012):
Bro!
I know exactly what you are going through! It's coming up for 2 years since my Dad passed away. I watched cancer ravage his body over 3 years and take my hero away from me! But what I always remind myself is... He created me. He is me. He will always be part of me as he helped make me. And the same goes for you! Your mother made you! She is you! She is part of you! And no one can ever take that from you... Ever! I hope these words help?
Be strong!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): You haven't finished grieving. You will never not grieve. It will simply start to hurt less. One and a half years is not a long time. It is a blink of an eye.Keep going to counseling. You are experiencing panic attacks. You are normal.----Are you taking care of yourself? Are you making healthy choices? (Practicing good sleep hygiene, following healthy diet, exercising, for example.)Are you on medications that may cause side effects, such as nightmares? (Antidepressents may do this.) Have you changed your diet? (Alcohol, spicy food, food allergies lead to sleep disturbances.)Has another circumstance changed? (New job, job loss, relocation)----Reflect on your individual circumstances. Accept that pain is inevitable part of life. We all cycle through emotional highs and lows. It is through resistance to your reality that you get stuck. Could it be that your "shrink" releasing you from therapy has caused you to experience loss again? And that reveals itself through repeating the last horrific loss?Join a bereavement group, it will help you to know you are not alone. You are normal.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): Grief doesn't care what day it is or how many years have past. The heart wants what the heart wants. My mother died 11years ago and I still miss her daily, I still tear up and my heart aches.. The only thing is I have learned to be with my family, learned to fill my day with wonderful things and appreciate life is short.. And not just to let it go by without being init.. My mother, your mother wouldn't want that.My mother died a very painful death, with hospital staff who did not care at all. And I dream of her and what happened even yet..I wish I could change what happened I went from whipping myself with a branch to whipping myself with the tree. Guilt you see.Please go back and get counselling grief comes and goes but don't let it overwhelm your life. Your mother woulda wanted you to have your life, as mine would mine..I love and miss her and my dad daily.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): I wouldn't maybe rush back to counselling - although it really depends on how you feel and I take the other person's advice on board here, that counselling could work again for you.I've experienced many bereavements and also deeply unpleasant experiences and each time I've had a kind of 'backlash' after I've thought that the worst part was over. This has usually involved a spate of nightmares lasting for anything between a couple of weeks to several months. The way I think of nightmares is that it is kind of like putting a load of washing on a slow cycle in the machine whilst you go to bed - I see it as a final 'cleansing' of left over stuff that cannot be processed at a conscious level, and which may need several washes for your psyche to heal and renew. I read somewhere that in normal circumstances - ie. still very painful but not absolutely traumatic - it can take about two years to 'complete' the grieving process for a loved one and upto 7 years if it was extremely traumatic for all involved. I don't know the exact situation of your mother's death but 1.5 years is still maybe a bit early.The grieving process is a very delicate one - in my case I had 'suspended grieving- because the situation surrounding my mother's death and funeral was completely taken over by my sibling, who was absolutely nasty to me throughout and dominated and controlled everything - for example, after promising to let me know when my mother was near the end, she deliberately did not call me (I lived much further away than she) and from thereon took over. It meant that I could not grieve properly. However, there is a balance, I think, between perpetuating your grief and it just being 'suspended' - perpetuation can happen because you have not yet found ways to move on in your own life. One thing that helped me was to realise that my mother was and always will be part of me and that my life was, in many respects, an extension of hers...even though we did not get on at all, it helped me to see that I could turn around even her 'negative' qualities and turn them into positives in my own life. Not easy, and not something that any counsellor advised me to do, but it may be something that you could consider for your self.How long have you had the nightmares? I know they can be awful, but it can help if you see them as part of your healing process rather than as evidence that you are not coping .
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): I have suffered several losses including both parents and a siblings suicide.
The shock is what causes the nightmares,its like your brain is coping in your sleep.I did go through the dream phase after the suicide,plus other problems.It passed in time.I did not get help but made sure I let each phase go through what I needed with all the losses.
I would go back to counselling,explain the situation,its been 1.5 years now and you should be over this part.I can tell its distressing you and you need to talk.Even join a group for people who have lost someone,it will help to share your experience and know your not alone.
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