A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I was wondering, has anyone ever being in a relationship like this?I wonder because I was in a 2 year relationship, this was my first long term relationship, I was with an older men, I was 19 he was 35 and for the lack of understanding I didn’t know what to expect of a man. When we started dating he was generous and loving, sex wasn’t good, but the rest was fine.7 months in to the relationship and he’s attitude change completely… without going in to too much detail, I was just being use to satisfy his sexual needs, sex was cold and heartless. back then I was completely blinded to all of it, I just stuck to it because it became normal, I felt it was fine for him to neglect me needs, or that there was nothing he could do to please me, mainly because If I complain he will tell me it was me not him.I would often end up unsatisfied and wanting more sex, so he use to make me feel bad about that, by saying I was obsesses with sex and that I needed to get my head checked out, any mention of me feeling sexual, horny or anything related to sex would get shot down by him with a harsh comment about me being impossible to please or I would get my self esteem knocked down… he made comments like, the reason you are not enjoying sex is because sex is a man’s thing, you wouldn’t understand. Once he asked me if I ever played with myself and I said yes, to what he responded with a disgusted look, and he even said: that is so wrong!I have since then felt very ashamed of masturbating or feeling horny, subconsciously it has taken me a while to get over my first experience with sex in a relationship, and what expectations men would have of me. When I got with my last ex is when I realised the affect all of my first boyfriend comments had on me.For example my last ex would try and ask me if I was horny and even if I was I would deny it, and even feel a little bit offended about the question… he asked me in several occasions if I wanted any sexual toys for me so I could explore and I nearly fainted with the question… he would try to slide his hand in my underwear and if I felt I was wet I would push his hand away in shame!!!I was just mortified to let him know I was sexual in any way… no matter how loving carrying and interested hi was, subconsciously I felt he would radicalise me about it if he found out, just like my first boyfriend did, in the time we were together I changed in to a completely new person and I felt he allowed me to be me… so I do feel a lot more confident about sex now than I ever did, and not ashamed to feel excited or initiate sex.I was wondering has anyone one here has ever being in a situation like this? Most people are wise enough to go with in a 100 miles of someone like my first boyfriend, but I was naïve and stupid and at 19 I knew not better, I was practically a virgin when I got with him.Still, have you ever met anyone who tried to manipulate you like this, I know that there are men and women out that have experience this, and I was wondering what did you do to overcome it and in what kind of affect did it have on you?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (12 November 2012):
 There's no mistaking that this first - much older - man who you described has had a terrible .... and long-lasting ...impact upon you.. AND, you are wise to see just how it came to pass, and the negative impact it has had on all aspects of your life....
As for changing that... you may find that you will be helped if you can discuss this very-personal matter with a trained professional... who can help you to see WHAT has happened to you.... HOW it came to pass... and what you can do to erase - or at least mitigate - the effect(s) that it is having on your life now...
I hope that you can get such guidance soon... and that you will find beneficial results quickly....
Good luck....
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