A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend persuaded me to leave my hostel and move in with him (for a few months, since I'm leaving the city after that) so that we can spend more time together and he can "take care of me". I insisted on paying him for letting me stay so I'm not exploiting him financially. We've always had a turbulent relationship but we decided to try to make things work. But lately, I've been feeling weird about the whole relationship and here's why:1) I made the mistake of telling him about my sexual past (I suffered from severe depression and slept with 3-4 men during my university days...I used to be suicidal too. But I received treatment and recovered). He always refers to my past whenever we have a fight and says that I am capable of sleeping with just anyone, which isn't true. The only person I've ever had an orgasm with is him. I can't orgasm if I don't love the man I'm sleeping with because my mind shuts off. He slept with an equal number of women in his past but somehow he thinks that's "okay" and that he has a good character, while I do not. 2) He is overly affectionate in bed but outside bed, he seldom shows me much affection. On the other hand, he keeps asking me to marry him because he wants 'security'. He checks my phone obsessively, reads my emails and hacked my Facebook profile. We'd broken up for about 6 months once and during that time, I'd flirted with a few men (but did not have an affair or sex). He read those details from Facebook and keeps calling me a cheater.3) His house is a pigsty. The floor is covered with dirt, cigarette butts, match sticks, bits of paper etc. but he never cleans up. I have a severe dust allergy but I do try to clean as much as possible but he dirties it all over again. He eats in bed and leaves large greasy stains on the bedsheet. 4) We used to have an awesome sex life but now I am unable to have an orgasm since I moved in with him. I masturbate for relief, when he is not around. This upsets him and he thinks I don't love him because I can't come any more. 5) Whenever he is upset because of something at work, he takes it out on me. He becomes cold, distant and keeps texting his friends about it but never talks to me. What troubles me most is that we've stopped talking meaningfully to each other. 6) I can't leave his house atleast before one month because I've given him all the money I had because he was short of money and needed a loan. I cannot arrange funds atleast before a month and I have to stay. 7) I feel unloved, uncared for and neglected. But whenever I speak of breaking up, he begs me to stay and says he loves me very much. I know he's not cheating on me. What's happening? Have we fallen out of love with each other? Is this the end or is there hope? Don't ask me to discuss this with him because whenever I bring it up, he brings up my past and says that I am only trying to find an excuse to sleep with someone else.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (11 September 2012):
 If you can't have an adult, loving, compassionate discussion with him about the relationship, then there's no hope for it, sorry. If he is attempting to 'control' you or keep you in your place by describing your (identical to his) past as bad then he is a hypocrite and a budding abuser. In fact, it IS abuse to be verbally abused and labelled a cheater or described as not having a good character.
I'd cut my losses and get out of there as soon as possible so as not to sustain damage to my psyche and self-esteem.
He doesn't love you very much, he calls you a cheater and a person of bad character. He's trying to control you and keep you around because he has his own problems.
If he's not willing to come to the table and have a calm loving discussion and figure out a way to set the relationship on the right track, there's no point in prolonging your misery. Get rid of him and get on with your life.
You may wish to go back into counseling to figure out why you chose him as your lover. There are so many better men out there. Why him? Why do you stick around and tolerate the abuse? Those questions should be sorted with a professional.
Best wishes.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 September 2012):
 I really do not see how this relationship is going to work, the worst of it is you say don't tell me to speak to him about it because he brings up your past. I really don't think you need anyone's opinion in this it is clear that this relationship is not working. Am not sure if you have both drifted apart or if it is a case that you both just do not get on living together. It sounds like he is a very dirty person which off course is going to frustrate you, you probably feel like a slave. It might be a case of outside of the bedroom he simply is not an affectionate person, but it sounds to me like he is just settling with you. For him to bring up your past is just low of him and he should be ashamed of himself. You went through a rough time, it should not be brought back to you in an argument. It is clear you are unhappy. It is sad you need to stay there for a month, but the best thing you can do I am afraid is talk to him. I know you don't want him bringing it all back up again but you need to remain strong. You need to explain to him everything that is making you unhappy, and tell him the worst thing is that he keeps throwing your past in your face making you feel worthless. This could easily eat away at your self confidence. He is controlling and you need to escape this before you end up back in a depression again, it does not surprise me that you cannot orgasm with this man any more.
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